doing what is not the norm

I need help. I'm seriously pleading for help here. I'm admitting it y'all, I can't do this alone. I saw 223.6 this morning. Every piece of disgusting unhealthy food I've shoved past my lips this past week has made me feel sick. Physically and emotionally.

This week we said goodbye to yet another family member. Ian's grandma's death has hit me much harder than I ever thought it would. I think part of it is just that she's the fifth beautiful family member to leave this earth since April. I can't say anymore goodbyes. I'm trying to keep myself together, but little by little I'm letting the overwhelming losses take over me and falling into old, bad habits. I'm isolating, internalizing, eating my way through.

The bright side of all this, I know what I'm doing. I've also come to a very quick realization that trying to do this alone just isn't working. So for those of you still reading my blathering....if you can find it in your heart, please. Someone help me.

disappointment

So, have you ever looked at someone that SHOULD be an inspiration, and known that they've worked incredibly hard for their success...but still said, well fuck. I'm a god damn loser. Have you?

I'm doing that now. I think maybe I need to seek some couselling or talk to a doctor about my energy levels. Is this normal? Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I've lost probably 3 lbs in the past three weeks. I'm still not at the weight I was maintaining. I'm sitting at a whopping 218.6.

Fuckity fuck.

Is there really truly a pot of skinny gold at the end of the rainbow, or are you all full of shit? It's gotta be me. I really can't be that paranoid that there's an entire community out there falsifying their weight loss successes....

or are you...
dun dun duuuuuuun

Why

Why am I all "Hey I'm working out, it's ok to eat a bit more"

then binge like I'll never see tomorrow?

Fuck'n fuck.

back to the basics

My pants are tight. Really tight. Time to get my ass out of its funk and get back on track. Truly.

Here are my goals for next week:

1: Track my food EVERY DAY!

Yup...back to good ol' WW. It works for me.

2: Earn some money!

I've decided that waiting for a reward or results isn't instant gratification-y enough for me. Hubby will be giving me a $2 coin for every day that I work out. I will be putting them into a clear jar so I can watch the money grow. Hey, it's an idea right?

Wish me luck!

Hope you are all doing well out there in bloggerland!

Best anniversary present ever

This Thursday marks mine and hubby's ninth anniversary. We had had plans to go to Valemount, BC and spend a relaxing four nights in the beautiful mountains.

Instead we're driving to Colorado so I can say goodbye to my uncle. I only found out last night that he's in hospice and is lucky if he lives out the month. I didn't expect the cancer to eat at him so quickly. He was only just diagnosed a few months ago.

As shitty as it is that our anniversary will not be relaxed and romantic, who could ask for a more cherished present than time you'll never be able to get again?

So hey, who's got two thumbs and the most amazing husband in the whole world? This girl.

Amber has a day off...what?!

Ok guys, so I've just been maintaining. Floating somewhere between 211 and 215. Not where I want to stay, but not really gaining any significant amount of weight either. Thank the gods I learned SOMETHING! I've decided before I move on from this stagnant stage, I need to learn how to be proud of what I've done so far. I need to learn to be proud of my ability to even stabilize. Because after...oh at least six months...of sitting at this weight, I could have gained so so so sooo much back.

My girl Jules is a photographer and has to do self nudes. I'm starting to think, fuck, you know it's crazy that I can look at a million different women, in a million different shapes and sizes, and find so many beautiful things about them. But I look in the mirror, and I see flaw, flaw, flaw. What makes me different? Don't I deserve to look at myself with the same consideration?

So anyway, I know there isn't much to this little update, but it is what it is. I've finally got placed so I have a "home" branch for work now. Wish me luck, I start there tomorrow!

Hope you all are well, and hey, for those that have stuck around...thanks :)

lame

Happy birthday to me, I gained nearly two pounds. I blame it on PMS.

early WI

Hey y'all, so I'm out of town this weekend camping, so I figured early WI would be better than late.

I'm very happy with my week's loss! I weighed in at 211.6, which means a sweet 3.8 lbs loss! Hells yes! Wish me luck for next week guys, I would like to see the underside of 200 in at least two months (but hopefully much sooner than that).

Good Morning Vietnam! ....and Canada and America, etc etc

Last night I stepped on the scale and saw a whopping 217.4. Dude! Yes Yes I know, I shouldn't be weighing myself morning and night but I do, always have. So as soon as hubby made it up the stairs I told him that he could forget about waiting til I get paid to rejoin WW. This morning it was happening, period. After the official WI this morning (a lame ass 215.4, 1 lbs GAIN) I did just that. But at 5 am, before click click clicking at the computer to get my ass back into the WW wagon, I started the coffee, got myself a big glass of ice water, and reaquainted myself with Bob and the BL gang via the bootcamp.

I'm officially 100% back my friends. I never gave up, trust me if I had I'd be up to at least 250 by now, but there's no more half assing it. No more watching what I eat, as it airplanes into my mouth. No more saying "I feel like I'm ALMOST ready to start working out again." This is it.

I think I needed the pseudo break though. I think I really needed to remember how frustrating a lack of weight loss is, how shitty I've felt looking in the mirror. Now, even a 1 lbs loss, which I'd better see next week y'all, will be so much more appreciated and celebrated.

This morning I raise my steamy hot delicious mug of coffee to you, all my blogger buddies, for not giving up on me. Here's to you, and to me, and to everyone out there that's struggling on this journey with us. Here's to yet another new beginning.

a whoppin -.04

Yup, that's it. So much for water retention. I guess I really did eat about five million calories a day for four days. Fuck me.

I know, I KNOW, the only way I'm getting out of this slump is to get off my ass. But really guys, the idea of crawling out of bed an hour earlier than normal just isn't very tempting. Especially when I'm still so freakin exhausted every morning and evening as it is. When am I going to stop being so tired?!

I'm starting to fall into a deeper depression when it comes to my weight. I don't think I've given up, but I sure as hell feel like I have. And that makes me feel stupid, pathetic. Maybe it's time I talk to hubby about getting back on WW now that I'm bringing in a steady paycheck. I know he's not too happy about me spending money that doesn't "need" to be spent...but I think my not being at goal yet, and completely controlling my mood, makes it a necessity. Because to be this much smaller than where I started, but to still look in the mirror and not only still hate what I see, but be EVEN MORE disgusted....it's not right.

I wish I could be proud of the previous losses I've had. In total I'm sure I've lost over 100 lbs (and gained a good portion back, love that roller coaster), I should be proud of myself, even if I've mostly just maintained within 10 lbs of my lowest, but I'm not. Not even a little. So this teeny loss has put me back to like 71 lbs lost, blech. It's nothing. And now I see other bloggers, one in particular, who's lost 100 lbs in 7 months. I'm so proud of her, and very very happy for her, but so very very jealous too. I KNOW she's worked her ass off, much harder than I have the past few months, but I remember working my ass off too, and definitely NOT looking as fabulous as she does.

I know this reads very much like a big ol' pity party. I don't want to be that person. But I guess this is what has needed to come out. Until this little pity post, I've really had nothing to say. I don't like being that blah pathetic blogger. Maybe I need to before I can be someone better again.

WI

Down a teeny 1.2 this week from the huge gain in WI. I huffed about it for a minute then realized why...it's also PMS week. AKA water retention week. Hence the very slight loss after eating waaaaaaaaaaay less than the week or two before.

Ya know guys? I misses yas. Hope you're all doing better than me :oP

official saturday WI

216, on the button.

Fuck me.

Anybody got a wand? Please?

Crap.

Is it time? I sure hope so!

Ok guys, I have gone on quite the bender. I've lost 3 people in 2 months. Two of them less than two weeks apart. I got to go home for my grandpa's funeral. And I let that emoitonal eating take over me. Only while I was doing it, I guarantee I didn't "know" I was doing it. I was aware...mostly. I paid attention....somewhat. My pants are tight and I saw a salty water retaining 217 on the scale the morning after I got back. And oh yes, I KNOW it is salt. Trust me, chinese, deep fried tasty deliciousness, nachos, cheese curds...oh yes, the good stuff. Even in moderation carries bucketloads of salt...and I ate it all then licked my fingers very un-lady like afterward.

Before I got the call about my grandpa and hopped a plane home, I had bought a new workout dvd, something to hopefully get me back in the game. DWTS Latin Cardio. I want to try that shit! I'm going to tonight. As soon as I hit the post button as a matter of fact. I've also loaded my fridge drawers with fruit, and the shelves with yogurt and other healthy goodness.

Wish me luck y'all. I'm gonna need it, because I want to beat this, and I can't do it alone.

around

I know I've been silent. I've gotten one msg from a gal that said she was wondering about me so...

I'm here. I'm still reading, though not really commenting. I haven't given up, but I'm not making a furtive effort either.

But...I'm here.

wagon? what wagon?

I have fallen, rolled, and was ran away from like the axe murderer in a horror flick. The biggest problem is that I'm disgusted at myself and feeling so much disappointment, hatred, and self loathing that I can't even manage to pull myself out of the hole to start searching for the tracks. I haven't exercised in a week. Talk about stupid move. No exercise, emotional eating...yeah I'm feelin it.

On a not so dark note I've started the new job, and as overwhelming as it is I really enjoy it. I think it's really helped me to ignore my cousin's death too. Which has led to my eating everything in sight. I don't know how to deal with this. I say to others all the time, when you're ready you'll find your way back. I'm scared that I'll never find my way back, even though I've been ready forever. I'm scared that in the next month I'll gain back every pound I've lost. And honestly by the way I've been eating I could see it happening...I mean I'd be dead because of the food overload, but I'd be a very fatter dead. Yes I said fatter. I don't think there'll ever be a day I don't consider myself fat.

I hate updating with this shit. I hate sounding like this. I know I've never been one for sunshine and happiness, but even I am too much for myself right now, so I certainly don't want to put it on y'all. However...somewhere down there I haven't given up really...I'm not done. I'm not where I want to be. I want to be better, healthier, stronger. I want to be proud of me. I just don't know how to get myself to where I need to be to start again.

gain

I was stupid and stepped on the scale. I was going to skip knowing what I've done to myself but I happen to be an obsessive scaler. I'm up 3.2 lbs this week. I wonder why that is? Oh wait! Maybe the three bags of turtle chex mix I've scarfed, or oh yeah, quite possibly the fact that I got good and shit faced last night then found myself at McDick's drive thru at midnight. Maybe that's why. I know I'm being stupid. Oh fucking well. I feel pathetic you guys. I really do. Like a big fat pathetic failure.

Day of rest?

Last night I still worked out. Tonight I think I'm going to pass. Not because I want to, but because I have an appt and don't know when I'm getting home.

I'm going to keep exercising. Even as I eat my way through the house. I know what I'm doing. I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. And I know why. Maybe if I had a friend up here it wouldn't be so bad. When you feel that you're utterly alone...it's easy to allow yourself to consciously eat your emotions.

I'm by no means giving up, just for now, I'm giving in. I'll get sick of it again, I always do.

Loss

This is not a loss I wanted, nor one I have looked forward to. My cousin overdosed yesterday. Tomorrow would have been her 42nd birthday. My mother is beside herself. Melody was one of my best friends growing up. Now she's gone, I'm here, my mother's there, Melody's daughter is at her uncle's...I miss her. I'm angry, but god do I miss her.

No news is good news?

Sometimes.

On Saturday I finally saw a change in my stagnant weight. Dun dun duuuuuuuuun...a drop of 2.2 lbs, what?! Hells yeah bitches! I've worked out so many days in a row now, I don't remember the last day that I didn't do something at all. Even if it's just a walk, or the lower intensity tae boxing, it's something!

And then, I had a rough day. Yeah today I got to go to the lady doctor. I know it's only once a year, blah blah blah suck it up buttercup, but these visits are always traumatic for me. It isn't just the uncomfortability and pain for me, it's the passing of the personal bubble. I've been sexually assaulted twice, raped once (and boy is that still hard for me to even admit or recognize), since I was 13. Since I need birth control I need to see the lady doctor, or she'd refuse and I'd be poppin out kidlets left right and center...no thanks! Either way, I nearly work myself into a right panic/anxiety attack once the clothes are shed and I'm sittin bare assed waiting for the doc to come in. I always make the procedure worse than it needs to be.

Anyway...because of this I immediately went to the store after the appt, because oh how convenient it happened right around lunch time. I got pizza (at 6 pieces...yeah), donuts (one of those thank you), and a very small cheesecake that I split with hubster. My stomach is still sticking out and hurting. I deserve the pain. Seriously...where's my helmet baby cuz there's windows need lickin'!

Let's hope this doesn't completely destroy my week. Dinner? Cottage cheese and toast. Super light. Oh yes.

Hey where'd that crazy bitch go?

I'm right here! Seriously I am. And I'm still workin on it. Eating hasn't been perfect but then neither am I. However, I've been working out. Jillian and I have been Shredding so I'm pretty happy with that. It feels good! I've been getting rather restless just sitting on my fat ass so when I say it feels good, I truly mean it. I'm a bit sore in some spots, but certainly not enough to keep me from working out the next day, which is a NEW feeling for me!

A few positively awesome things have happened in the past couple weeks. I won a $250 gift cert to an interior store (I never win cool shit like that!), I got a $25 gift cert to Addition-elle which came at the perfect time because I also FINALLY got myself a job!!! I will be working as a teller for CIBC, training starts on the 12th of April which is also lucky because my son's spring break is next week and I just can't find the money for daycare for that with this check. Oh, and the Addition-elle gc...the awesomeness is because I've worked at a biker store for so long, and then before that a saddlery and tack shop...I've got ZERO professional type clothing!!!! So, shopping with my dear SIL on the 10th!

Saturday's weigh in finally brought a change. A gain of 0.2 lbs. That's nothing as far as I'm concerned so I'm still considering it a maintenance. No I do not want to maintain, but hubby promised that as soon as the money starts coming in and we get some debt paid I can get back on WW. But I'm also hoping that I can keep myself on track and won't have to do it. I like knowing it's an option though. So far this week though I'm already down 2 lbs!!!! Let's hope I can and WILL keep my shit together so I keep seeing drops in the weight!!!

Static

For the third week straight I have weighed in at the same weight. Hey man, better than gaining!

Also I got a wicked sweet award from Kat, but I haven't gotten around to putting it up. I told her I'd make it a gooder so it's going to be a bit yet. Maybe while I'm baking my kidlet's school cupcakes for his birthday! But I had to throw a shout out. Figgered it was time lol.

Also, she kicks ass because she throws jelly beans at bad drivers. And is sending me salty chocolate sin in the form of chex mix. And she makes me giggle with her stories of "The Boy" and her daily life. I'm tellin ya, get over to her blog and laugh!

Phone interview

So I finally got a call!

It was a phone interview with Jenny Craig of all things.

Considering I have zero nutrition education I probably won't get the job, but boy would that be sweet! Seriously, discount on JC as well? I'd give it a go!

Wish me luck!

Figgered I should update...

My pants are getting tighter.

I wake up with good intentions. Small breakfast, small lunch. Then snacking, all day. I ate half a dozen triple chocolate cookies today. And nachos. I'm fucking stupid.

It would appear that I've given up. I haven't. Doesn't mean that I'm really trying my hardest though. Doesn't mean I'm not trying at all either.

On the plus side I've started working out again. On the negative, it's barely there intensity.

Why am I doing all the shit I know I shouldn't be? Why am I not doing the shit I know I should? I mean really, I looked at the cookies as I was putting them into my mouth and completely berated myself. Did it stop me? Nope.

What the hell.

I'M A FREAKIN AUNTIE AGAIN!!!

If you couldn't tell by this post's title, I'm slightly excited. Super bummed I'm not in the same country to be able to meet my little nephew but oi...I'm so proud of my baby brother!

Still swimming, sort of

I could use a couple life buoy thingies though.

Down 1 lbs.

Meh.

Rock bottom

For those of you that say god can't give you more than you can handle...you're wrong.

I've cancelled my WW online subscription. I'm on my own.

Wiscofest 2010

I didn't take a shit ton of pictures, only nearly 200, and in two weeks that's pretty little. I'd like to share my trip in pictures! Enjoy :)



This is my best bud Zack and his puppy Karma. Zack is beautiful and is a musician. Yum.



This is my brother in law, KC. Love him, but oh boy did I want to bitch slap him...many many times.



Zack after a few drinks. Self explanatory.



My nephew, Keaton. Isn't he beautimous?



Keaton was not happy.



Keaton unhappy again, with my beautiful sister Jenn!



A whole shitload of turkeys. I actually hit a turkey once, in my first car. My car tapped his ass. Yes I know how fucking dirty that sounds you gutter brains!



What do you think? Time for a haircut? I agree!!!



I love my cousin. And her hands. She works magic!



That's WHAT?!



That's the cousin, Jenny Mae, she does not look impressed.



Almost but not quite there, haven't finished the cut or colored yet.



Ignore my face, CHECK OUT MY HAIR!!! It has been years since I've chopped that much hair off. Feels pretty great!



Check it out! You can see the tatty. It's an angle cut, I heart it.



This is my mum and my baby bro. Yeah he's taller than me too. Even when I'm in heels.



My baby bro and his very beautiful, very prego wife. She should pop any freakin day now. I know it's not a great pic but my camera was being a cock that day.



Jenn hates pics when she's not all gussied. This is her gettin ready to FINALLY get our matching tatt...and our awesome artist, Brandon.



Outline? Check! Look familiar?



I love this beautiful type of art.



And after two and a half years, we finally match!



This is my friend Heather, we hadn't seen each other in twelve years before this night, and it was like we'd never stopped talking! PS: Always have to have a before picture...as in before I got so tanked I tried dancing on the bar but couldn't get myself higher than the chair.



Me and my girl Beanie. Yes I was well on the way to WOOHOO by this point!



My girl Krissy's bro Alex. Can you see the look in my eyes? It says "I'm drunk and sexy and you can't touch this, unless I say okay...okay."



Karissa. She's a homophobe. So I kissed her cheek. She cringed. It was funny as hell.



Krissy's rockin out! This was AFTER our little karaoke stint. Oh yeah didn't I mention that? We rocked some No Doubt and Aretha Franklin. We're cool like that.



Do you see it now? Do you see the drunken Amber?



The after picture...but before the chair dancing.



This was after the chair dancing. I'm pretty sure she's holding me up.



And the final jagerbomb of the night. Here's to a great group of ladies I say!

The End.

3.4

That's better than the 7 I was betting on I guess. Still put me back to a place I don't want to be. I've started working out again, not that two whole days in a row is cause for celebration, but it's a start. I'm screaming at myself to get back to tracking, but I don't want to be that accountable. That stops today, breakfast...string cheese. Just one.

This has been a shitty week. I wouldn't be so dramatic as to say the worst of my life, but it's pretty up there.

Minus 2

And no I do not mean pounds. It appears in my downside I've lost two followers. To that I say...fuck, whatever. I started this blog for me. I didn't search for others to follow and comment, I searched for others to inspire me, and for which I could comment and encourage them. I'll admit seeing the follower number drop it stings a bit, but only for a second, because this was never about anyone else.

I hope today finds you all well, and finds me less stuffing of face.

shame

Since Tuesday morning I have polished off 9 chocolate covered cherries, two bags of chocolate turtle chex mix, 1 bag of baked tostitos, a cinnamon roll...a big one, and this is just the snackies. Some of the snackies. I know there were more. Tons of string cheese.

I'm going to weigh in on Saturday and I'll be surprised if I don't see a 7 lbs gain since my last weigh in. I will be surprised, and damn lucky. I need to stop this shit. I don't know how I ended up back here. I DO NOT WANT TO BE 285 LBS AGAIN!!!

Can I get a refund?

So yesterday I was all, can't wait to get back to blogging, I've got goals again, got motivation, I'm ready to rock this shit.

And then I got sham wowed by a shit ton of bricks. And they weren't all amazing and cool like the actual sham wow.

I was up until midnight crying. I woke up nearly in tears. I've spent my day not wanting to eat and then having a bite and pretty well binging. I hate that I'm an emotional eater. I hate that I'm emotional. Can I just be dead inside? Will that work?

I want to eat everything, but I don't want to eat at all. I want to do some retail therapy but am so far in debt and so low on cash I wouldn't be able to do it at the dollar store.

Truly what I want to do is go back home. I miss being happy. I miss smiling and laughing. I need a hug. A real one. I need a hug that squeezes and comforts and pulls all the pain out.

I'll probably be back at some point, maybe even post some of those pics from the happy trip....however...I can't say when. It was hard enough for me to write this. I'm isolating again. Trust me, it's better for all of you.

Best of luck and hope your lives are going better than mine!

Hello?

Anybody out there still? Anyone remember who I am?

I'm back!!!! I've been a horrible holiday blogger, both reading and posting, but I'm here now, and ready to get back into the groove of things....mostly. I hate Canada.

Will post a good'n later!

Eventually I'll catch up

For now though I'm happy to say I finally made it into Wisconsin...at 11 pm. Yeah...that three hour layover in Minneapolis turned into two...then to eight. I didn't get to bed until 2 am when we finally drove up to the house in Merrill. Needless to say being awake for 40 some odd hours and gettin gut rot from espresso and red bull...but meeting some wicked people at the airport...it was a loooong fucking day yesterday.

Hope you're all well!

It's gonna be a long fucking day...

Finally tried to get to bed at midnight, not ten minutes later Tony's up and puking. Then puked about every 45 min- 1 hour there after. No sleep for me.

Fuckity.

Up in three hours

I have been shit for a blogger.

Now it's ten to midnight, I need to be up in three hours to finish my packing, grab an eat, and get to the airport.

I can't sleep. I'm going to miss my son. I already feel like a limb was cut off and I am not looking forward to hugging him goodbye at the airport tomorrow. I'm not used to leaving him. This is killing me. I feel so sick.

Then my head likes to fuck with me. Awesome imagination has me dying on the airplane, or my hubby and son dying while I'm gone. Where the fuck do I come up with this?! I'm not afraid of flying...I'm afraid of dying. And this always happens before I have a flight out. Just never this bad, and I think it has to do with not taking Tony with me.

Fuck'n fuck y'all.

Missing the pit...

To get it out of the way, no I have not worked out, in fact I doubt if I will at all this week. And right now, don't care. It sucks, and yes I know I'm setting myself back, I'll get back to it when I'm out of my funk.

Onto the pit!

Last night I went to see Airbourne, The Joe Perry Project, and Motley Crue. I loved both the Crue and Airbourne, I was very very unimpressed with JPP. But good lord ladies...oh the hair, and the leather, and the man hips just a movin...yum. Add to it that I only now discovered that Tommy Lee plays piano (yeah I know, I'm not all that observant), he's a new crush. I can't help myself. I adore piano players.

Because these tix to see the Crue were a very last minute Christmas present from the hub we got stuck with nosebleeds. Decent ones mind you, we could actually see the band...they were the height of my son's GI Joes...but still, we could see them. It was probably better that I wasn't down where I belong though, because oh yes, the pit IS where I belong. I'm pretty sure I've been sportin a slight fever the past couple days, which would explain my insane need for sleep, my throat's been raw and I know it's no longer because the amount of cigarettes I've smoked, I'm out of denial, I'm sick. Damn it.

Either way, while I sat up in my nosebleeds (because I felt faint so was lame and sat), I stared down over the standing floor area. That fenced off area right by the stage, close enough for the spit showers. I could close my eyes and feel it, experience it...and fuck me did I miss it. I can't even explain every feeling, imagine the scent of sex, sweat, booze, excitement, anger, love, fear...feeling the bass and drums thump through your body, nearly stopping and restarting your heart to its rhythm, the wet hard bodies surrounding you, pushing you, screaming with you, dancing, fighting, aching to get closer to those that we idolize and adore. Oh and fuck if you actually get to meet the band, lucky enough to follow them back to their hotel (yes I have...semi local ish bands...no one big unfortunately, but one day, oh one day, I will have my Sully).

As I was sitting in row 233 next to a camo wearin pot smokin lame-o tryin to be a badass...I realized how old I am. Fuck. I'm a mom now, I can't even afford the fucking tickets to hit the floor and elbow my way up to the fence. No more ogling band members and those sexy ass serious faced rent a cops. Some of them could have patted me down anyday.

One day though, I'm going to treat myself. And I will be right there. Making fuck me eyes to the vocalist, guitarist, bassist, drummer...because that's how you end up in the good places, and get the best pictures. Yeah I know, blah blah, I'm married. My hubby knew all this about me before we got together. He knows nothing actually happens...but that doesn't mean I won't play up my "assets" to get what I want. I'm a dirty girl.

And I say all this as I sit at my comp in a hoodie and jeans, hair tied up in a pony, kidlet playin with his GI Joe planes...yeah...dirty girl. Le fucking sigh.

Emotional

I wish I could explain this without feeling like a complete tool. I don't even have hormones to blame it on. The past few days have been tearful and exhausting, this morning started off with a grand fight. I just don't want to do anything. Not a fucking thing. I want to sit on the couch, that's all.

I know I should work out, I think I'll do the laundry instead.

I'm getting to a point where I kind of want to give up on this whole blogging thing. I'm turning into one of those people that I hate, and I do not like sharing that with the world.

Manic Monday

I...am....pooped.

I haven't read all of the blogs, I doubt I will, I've read some and commented where I felt the need to, but from here on out it's fresh with blogs. I just can't keep sitting here and going back.

The weekend was good! Mostly. Worked long days with my favorite ex manager, no really, I adore her, and even hit the bar Saturday night for a three hour, 9 ounce bender. Oh yeah, I was hammered. Good times! Had issues with the gal that was sent to "help" us out at the show. Colleen and I work best under pressure, shows are the biggest pressure, this girl kept stepping on our toes, Colleen and I are very much alike. We were ready to snap, and she was sent home early on the "it's pretty slow" basis both days she worked.

Had lots and lots of eye candy. Tattooed bald delish yummy bikers. I'm still drooling. Food was...well concession food. I honestly didn't eat much of anything while I was there, but what I did eat, with the exception of the nice little vendor lunch the agri centre laid out on Sunday, was shit. On Sunday I saw the salads and sandwiches and was never so happy to see a carrot stick in my life. It felt soooo good to eat some real food. Unfortunately the little amount of food I ate over the weekend already has me pegged back up to where I was, what the hell! Literally my days were breakfast: small blueberry muffin, lunch: smokie (sausagey type thing for all my 'merican's), dinner: smokie or slice of pizza.

I need to relax. Seriously so tired. I'd also told Ian to be there to pick Colleen and I up at 7 instead of 8 when we were scheduled to be done. Takedown went great and we ended up being finished at 6, when Ian decided to leave Edmonton. Which left Colleen and I sitting around until 8 pm. We were not happy girls.

Then this morning Ian tells me that the receipts I need to drop off, and the email I need to send to head office about my pay....well I have to bus it to the mall and back (2 hours each way), in the time Tony's at school. Ian also let me sleep until 7:30 am. So basically I woke up, threw on some clothes, started a pot of coffee, didn't get any coffee or breakfast, then had to hop on the bus to hit the mall. No coffee, no food, and 6 cigarettes later, I was vibrating and so angry.

Luckily my little Brett, a guy that worked with me at the shop, offered me a ride home. I bought him, and myself, a delish chicken caesar crepe. He made me smile again.

Now it's not even 8 pm. I'm sore, tired, my throat hurts from all the smoking...I'm ready for bed. I leave for Wisconsin in exactly a week. I'm excited, but already dreading the flight.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

oy

The past four days has been crazy. I'm tired, burnt out, and so ready to relax. I'm going to try to catch up on blogs soon, but I promise nothing. I might just start reading from today. I'll update y'all soon with how my weekend went!

Quick update before I go!

The scale's whorriness was stowed today as it gave me a 3 lbs loss. Haven't seen these numbers since before October people!

Away

I'm going to be away y'all until Sunday night. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be three long, grueling, wonderful hours selling gear to (hopefully) some eye candy type bikers! I'm estimating at least 30 hours this weekend, it's going to be great! There's my spending money for my trip back to WI to see my sis!

As I'll be out of town there will be no access to my blog and e-mail. Those of you that can hit me up on facebook or text! Also, no scales at the hotel so I'll be weighing in tomorrow. Hopped on this morning for a cheat peek and saw I'm down 2.6 lbs! Let's home that stays, maybe I'll even drop more, these are numbers I haven't seen since before my last trip home in October!

Speaking of home, it still feels so surreal that I'm going, it's all happening so fast. The closer it gets (10 more days), the more excited I am. I know it's all bittersweet, it's not ideal reasons I'm going home, but I can't help but be excited I'm going to see everyone again. This last holiday was very very tough for me, being away from the fam. And then I guess it kind of hits me that my baby won't be with me. This will be the first time I've taken a trip away from him for more than a couple days. I'm going to miss him sooo much! It's got me teary eyed just thinking about it. I'm going to miss my husband too, of course, that first night alone in bed is always a killer. I'm excited at the aspect of having a solo trip, just me, no worries...but I already miss my son, and the bugger's layin on the couch behind me!

Anyway, this is more than I wanted to get into, just wanted to give a heads up, I'm not disappearing, I'm just disappearing for a few days. Know what I'm sayin? Update on Monday!

Award, booty shakin, and gain

Up 1 lbs this week. I know why, no it's not ALL food, but no my PMS eating didn't help. Moving on!

I got this sweet award from Miss Suzi:



Thank you!

And here are the are instructions that come along with this award:

1. Copy the image and display it on your blog.

2. List 10 things that make you happy.

3. Try to do at least one of them today.

4. Pass on the award to 10 bloggers who brighten your day.

My list of ten things:

1. My son. No explanation needed.

2. Family and Friends.

3. Happy toes!!!

4. Music

5. Art

6. Travel

7. Reading

8. Trips to the zoo or museums

9. Random presents from hubby, because it's so very very rare that he thinks of it.

10. Dancing the night away! And that's just what I did on Saturday!

Pass it on to ten people? Can't. You all make me happy.

Onto booty shaking!

Saturday night I went out for a high cal carb laden dinner at Olive Garden with a girlfriend of mine. The food was divine and we both ate until we were stuffed. Oh yes, I did! I wasn't worried about it. With only one cocktail and water the rest of the night I danced all those calories off. From 10 pm to 2 am my ass was moving! On the dance floor, on the speaker, even outside during smoke breaks! It's Monday morning and let me tell you, my thighs are still screaming! Today calls for a light workout of pilates, oh yes.

I had cake.

Boston cream pie flavored. That's right sit in envy. I had a small piece. Yesterday though I also failed to work out, and snackied left right and center. I'm PMSing y'all. I'm going to try to not let it fail me this week, but yesterday was a gong show. Not everything I put into my mouth was bad, it was just more than I should have had. I know that, and I don't know how to explain it, but I was actually hungry. It wasn't just me eating out of boredom, emotion, etc. My stomach was actually growling and kicking my ass because I was hungry. So I fed it. I make no excuses. I didn't do well, and now I'm moving on.

For all of you that have a reply e-mail, I'm going to try and get back to you guys today but I have soooooooooo much to get done! Hope everyone has a wonderful hump day!

I want cake.

That is all.

Weiner weiner who's got the weiner?

My girl Julia bestowed upon me this:



Thanks Jules!!!

Apparently I'm suppposed to list seven random things about me then pass this puppy on to seven other bloggers. So here goes:

1. I have anger issues. I know I know most of you are just BAFFLED by this! (insert eye roll here) So far they have been kept pretty well at bay, but I'm really worried that one of these days I will hurt someone that really pisses me off. Like physically. I'm one of those women you have to be afraid of if they get silent. Generally I walk away but...one of these days y'all.

2. I love lists! I don't know why but just doing what needs done is never as satisfying as seeing a list with everything checked or crossed off of it.

3. I love spending my summers at zoos and museums. Especially big museum type things with actors in period clothing, etc.

4. Despite what my blog shows, I don't get along very well with other women. I grew up with the guys, actually just had a comment made to me via text about how many guy friends I have. I told him that these don't see me as a woman...just another one of the guys...with tits.

5. My body is 90% water 10% caffeine. I am a coffee addict. I can't function without the stuff. If you ever want me to do something for you, bribe me with coffee!

6. I love to say the word cunt. Why? Because it's a word that's universally offensive to women. I don't know why. I'm not calling anyone a cunt...mostly pool balls because the bastards haven't gone into the pockets I've directed them too. I don't know, maybe it's because I don't find it offensive, but I love the look of shock on womens' faces when I say it, and the outright amazement of men when they hear it. I should have been a shock jock.

7. Speaking of shock jock, I've got a diploma in Radio Broadcast Arts. And it's useless. The school is shut down and the former president is in prison in Georgia for fraud. Maybe one day I'll get my shot, but not anytime soon.

Okay some bloggy love:

1. Ben
2. Debby
3. Diana
4. Fat Daddy
5. Tammy
6. Carlos
7. Candice

There are soooooo many more I could hand this out to but today I'm choosing to follow the rules...which is totally rebelling for me!!!

Hope my seven randos have brought a little enlightenment.

Dancing!

I've got the music cranked and am currently bouncing in my computer chair.

I think this calls for a bra and capri dance night after I tuck the Tonester into bed!!!

As Jack said...

My scale is a whore.

I second that!

I'll be completely honest though. If I'm maintaining at just over 200 lbs, and following plan and exercising (when I never used to) isn't helping drop that weight, does that mean I'm stuck here forever? Am I ok with that?

Please tell me what to do!

Also to clarify, my sis is a chosen sis. She's my absolute bestest friend in the whole world. God couldn't have handed me a blood sister better than her. So in all reality, she doesn't even have my mom to talk to. In fact her mom passed away a few years ago. She doesn't have her mom.

As for the way my mom is acting...I've talked to my cousin and aunt (my mom's sister...real sister) and they've both said this isn't like her. She's with this new guy right? The one she just married? And she's changed herself to cater to him. I didn't even want to tell her I was coming to WI. I shouldn't have. I knew she'd react in a not so positive way. Next time I go I probably won't say anything at all. She's alienating herself from her family. It's killing me. I miss the mom I always knew and loved, this isn't her.

Frustrating

Down only .4 this week. I've exercised 5 days and with my comp being fixed I've been able to track again...been on plan.

What the hell? I hate my body.

Going home

So some things have been worked out with my sis. For now there won't be a divorce, but each day will bring something new. I still feel, however, that I need to be there to support her. So with the help of my higher power, and Air Miles, I will be flying into Green Bay next month with mixed emotions.

My mom and I actually argued about it when I asked her for a ride from the airport, and offered to pay for her gas and food on the way home. She told me I can't fix anything, I said I know that and I'm not trying to, she asked how Jenn would feel after I left, I said hopefully that some of the weight of her problems would be going with me. She told me she didn't have money for me, I told her that I have my own thank you very much. She stomped on my heart today, and the longer I think about the way she treated me and the words she said, the angrier and more hurt I get. I need to stop thinking about it. Needless to say I told her to forget the ride, my cousin will get me.

Helpless

Last night was so bipolar. I got to talk to a friend I hadn't spoken to since at least 1999, it was wonderful catching up with her! I'm looking forward to calling her again today.

However as sooon as I hung up the phone and hopped on facebook before heading to bed my sister popped up and asked if I was around still. She ended up calling me and telling me that things had gotten bad between her and her hubby, he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore and she gave him back her wedding rings. We both know that it's more than that though. He's giving up because of much more than her.

Of course this is one of those reasons I hate living so far away. My sister does not cry. She does not call, reach out, ask for help. So for her to do any of this...it's bad. I feel that she needs me and I can't be there for her.

Ian and I have been saving up Air Miles for a very long time now, waiting until we got enough packed away that we could go somewhere a little tropical. It seems this may be the only way I'm able to go home. The only problem is I won't be able to fly out until at least the 25th as I've got the next two weekends booked up with work, and Air Miles wants at least 7 day advance booking. So I'm waiting, very impatiently, to hear from my sis. If she doesn't want me there, then there's no point in going. If she needs me now, is 20 days too late?

I hate this waiting game.

For Tammy

So I told her I'd post my measurements since the not nearly 30 day shred off...haven't yet, so here they are Tam!

Nov 30/2009
Arm: 14.75
Chest: 42.25
Waist: 39.25
Hip: 52
Thigh: 26.50
Calf: 16

Jan 2/2010
Arm: 14
Chest: 42
Waist: 38.50
Hip: 50.75
Thigh: 26
Calf: 16

Inches lost
Arm: 0.75
Chest: 0.25
Waist: 0.75
Hip: 1.25
Thigh: 0.50
Calf: 0

Total inches lost: 3.5

As for weight? Only a loss of 0.8 lbs. Fucking gay.

I hope getting back on with my tracking and working out with the bootcamp 6 days a week will speed shit up. I'm sick of maintaining!

PS: Yes, my hips really are that big. I can't believe how fat I am. Fucking hips.

Stay at home mom

So I got a nudge from a fellow blogger that I hadn't posted in a while...here's a bit of an update.

Eating: ok
Exercise: it's on like donkey kong!
Work: My husband fired me. Yeah. He says it's just cuz we can't work together, I think it's because he feels that I'm not moving fast enough for him, I feel he hasn't given me a real chance. But how could he when I don't work every day of the week...he fired me after working one day with him after nearly four weeks off. Go figure. So I'm a stay at home mom again. I'm still casual with the biker shop so I've got two weekends lined up that I'm working shows this month. I'm working only a few hours for the Edmonton show but the following weekend I'll be heading down for 30 hrs in 3 days in Red Deer. I'm pretty stoked! I've always loved working bike shows, love the atmosphere, love the people, and from what I've been told Red Deer is one of the biggest shows. Bring on the commission y'all!
Emotional Health: Meh

So far this week has been pretty fucking shitty. I'll deal with it though. I'll get through this.

On a positive note my comp is back up to a point where I am able to access WW Online without fearing my stored credit card info will be kifed. So I'm back to tracking!!! This means I should no longer be stuck in maintenance mode. Seriously, I think once I get to where I want to be...I'll be able to maintain no problem. I've been doing it for months!

I'm really loving this bootcamp DVD that Tammy got for me. I'm still in level one but have just started keeping constant with it on this past Monday so I'll stay there for a bit, however the 3 lbs weights I've been using have just felt way too light so I bumped up to the 5. I still feel like I'm getting a far better lower body workout than upper (my ass is killin me y'all!) but Tammy warned me about level two so I'm counting on my arms burnin like mad once I get there.

For now, that's all she wrote.

2010, blogroll, etc

So with my last post and my excitement for 2010 will bring...I've decided it's time to clear out some of my blogroll. I've been following a shit ton of blogs since I started and probably only 15 people are still blogging.

However, I've come to this decision over one person who has just started, and blogs nearly every day. I came to this because he makes me very very angry. A girlfriend of mine told me last night that I have anger issues...well that may be, but when I want to throw my computer monitor out the window because some guy blah blahs about bullshit, it's time to stop reading.

The sad thing is I was led to his blog because I was told it was heartbreaking, so I started commenting, at first it was encouraging, I was trying to help, reaching out, etc. Then I started getting snarky, stopping just short of saying "QUIT BEING A FUCKING TOOL YOU D-BAG IDIOT" because I really really wanted to.

If you're curious...just e-mail, I'll tell ya.