Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Givin him something he can feel....

Ok not at the moment, but I like the song! I feel rather sexy when I sing it, then I pass a mirror and am do that in public. Ever. Even for a million dollars. I'd make a total fool of myself lol. But it sure is fun to do it when no one's watching.

So the other day I had a go with Carmen Electra. We did some aerobics with this really buff dude. He was cute, in a charming, I question your sexuality and wonder if you were a scrawny kid that got bullied in high school kind of way. Nothing wrong with that, just saying. So anyway we were givin 'er, Carmen and I. After round one I said, okay Carmen, I give, no more for today. She won that round, but that's alright. Yesterday my left leg started yelling at me, you see I'd failed to stretch after my battle with Carmen, stupid I know, noob mistake, but I made it anyway. By the time I got to work, just in time for a massive inventory check, from my left ass cheek to about my knee I was strung tighter than Tiny Tim's ukelele (I totally stole that analogy, it's awesome!). This did not bode well for me, as our inventory check consists of tiny little sheets that fall to the floor if someone breathes ten feet away. So there I was, trying to bend down like a crippled old woman, muttering "ow...ow...ow....son of a bitch!". I'd decided that Carmen hated me, and I didn't care, as a matter of fact I said "Fuck you Carmen, and your damned aerobicized ass!"

This morning I thought I'd have another go with Carmen, and it wasn't so bad. I figured if I did some yoga after it'd be ok, we'll know for sure when I wake up to workout tomorrow morning. My stomach muscles are a bit tight today, I wonder if I'm going to have a chat with one Rod Stryker, creepy yoga dude.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

I did it!!!!!!!!!!

Finally finally finally!

Today I stepped on the scale and was rewarded...I've officially lost 51.6 lbs. I've finally crossed the 50 lbs threshold and I refuse to look back! I want to dance and sing (horribly and totally off key but I just lost 50 lbs so who gives a shit?!), I want to laugh and shop, but really, I kind of just want to cry too.

I have to keep saying it...I lost 50 lbs. I can hear people saying why the hell would you want to cry, it's great! Yeah but I lost 50 lbs. I'm more than a third of the way to my goal...but I still have a lot of work ahead of me...and I lost 50 lbs. I'm ecstatic, but fuck am I sad too. How did I get to a point where I needed to lose that much weight? Why on earth would I let me do that to myself? What the hell is wrong with me?!

And that darkness in my head takes over it all and turns something that should be wonderful and joyous into something where I find myself hanging my head in shame and choking back tears anyway. I end up hating myself more and I can't be proud of myself for what I've done but look in the mirror and yell at me to get to work and lose more because it's never going to be enough.

How do you stop it? The self abuse, the poisonous words, how do you stop it? I hope that one day I can figure that out, because I fear what I could become if I don't.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Up down up down....

What am I doing to myself? Well I've finally said goodbye to the 240s for good...but if I don't watch myself I'm never going to lose the last two lbs to reach my 50lbs loss and I'll never say goodbye to the giant ass that is mine. I had finally started moving from that plateau and I totally and completely blew it. Big time. I had a 2 lbs gain last week. Ouch, eh?

So here I am shaking my head at myself yet again.

But tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will wake up and kick some Tae Boxing ass. I will get my ass in gear and I will stop eating garbage. And the only reason it's tomorrow and not because today's already gone.

Wish me luck...