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Thursday, April 15, 2010

wagon? what wagon?

I have fallen, rolled, and was ran away from like the axe murderer in a horror flick. The biggest problem is that I'm disgusted at myself and feeling so much disappointment, hatred, and self loathing that I can't even manage to pull myself out of the hole to start searching for the tracks. I haven't exercised in a week. Talk about stupid move. No exercise, emotional eating...yeah I'm feelin it.

On a not so dark note I've started the new job, and as overwhelming as it is I really enjoy it. I think it's really helped me to ignore my cousin's death too. Which has led to my eating everything in sight. I don't know how to deal with this. I say to others all the time, when you're ready you'll find your way back. I'm scared that I'll never find my way back, even though I've been ready forever. I'm scared that in the next month I'll gain back every pound I've lost. And honestly by the way I've been eating I could see it happening...I mean I'd be dead because of the food overload, but I'd be a very fatter dead. Yes I said fatter. I don't think there'll ever be a day I don't consider myself fat.

I hate updating with this shit. I hate sounding like this. I know I've never been one for sunshine and happiness, but even I am too much for myself right now, so I certainly don't want to put it on y'all. However...somewhere down there I haven't given up really...I'm not done. I'm not where I want to be. I want to be better, healthier, stronger. I want to be proud of me. I just don't know how to get myself to where I need to be to start again.

10 comments:

Diana said...

Amber, you will find your way.

First step is forgiving yourself for screwing up. Stop being mean to yourself. I do the same thing, beat myself up endlessly over the dumbest shit.

You're smart and beautiful. You deserve much happiness in life. Start by being your own best friend. Be gentler with yourself.

Now get back on that damn wagon! No excuses young lady. You have to do this. Not doing it is not an option.

TC said...

Aww sweetness...I am sorry to hear your awesome streak came to an end! You know what I have to say! GET THE F*CK back atter! Jebus woman you did so great working out every day! You can do that shit again, no problem. Back away from the crap food and just DO IT. Put in friggin Jillian, or Bob, or whatever. I have to get my ass out there and RUN tomorrow, so you can do some boot camp shit!

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!!

(oh, and HUGS!)

F. McButter Pants said...

Babes...

I like what the other 2 people said. You will find your way back. You will! Put the bat down and step away from the bat...STOP beating yourself up. That is the first thing.

You can do this!

SlenderSwan2B said...

If you find your way back I will too? Ok? I think the axe murderer is dead. Will you walk up and check his pulse??

Jaframity said...

As long as you hold on to that belief that you haven't given up, then you really haven't, and you will get back into it. Sometimes you find that strength comes back at you in a great whoosh of motivation, sometimes you have to drag it back little by little, but it does come back.
I hate it when I feel all negative too in a post, but it does help to let it out, and the very act of posting means we're dealing with instead of wallowing in it.
There was meant to be a point in this comment, but I've gotten myself tied up en route. Essentially I just wanted to offer you encouragement. I know how much I've appreciated it when I've been having a shit time.
Take care. :o)

Kat said...

You will get back to where you want to be...don't worry. Just don't be mean to yourself in the meantime. You are undergoing grief, which follows certain stages, and until you are done with that, it might be hard. But you will get there.

Katie J said...

Hi Amber! Just wondering if you got the bowls I sent.

Candice said...

I know it seems as though you are in such a deep hole that you can't get out, but you've got to start with baby steps.

I find that when I'm eating everything in sight, that I typically do that when I'm not exercising. Shit just goes downhill at that point.

Once I get my exercising back on track, my eating habits change for the better.

Stop focusing on how you've eaten up to this point, and change things going forward.

You can do it!

outdoor.mom said...

start with forgiving yourself :-) looks like you've lost a lot of weight already. i bet you've been busy with that new job. Congratulations!!!

Syl said...

Just thinking of you, hope you are doing ok. Miss you!