I have been shit for a blogger.
Now it's ten to midnight, I need to be up in three hours to finish my packing, grab an eat, and get to the airport.
I can't sleep. I'm going to miss my son. I already feel like a limb was cut off and I am not looking forward to hugging him goodbye at the airport tomorrow. I'm not used to leaving him. This is killing me. I feel so sick.
Then my head likes to fuck with me. Awesome imagination has me dying on the airplane, or my hubby and son dying while I'm gone. Where the fuck do I come up with this?! I'm not afraid of flying...I'm afraid of dying. And this always happens before I have a flight out. Just never this bad, and I think it has to do with not taking Tony with me.
Fuck'n fuck y'all.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
I have been shit for a blogger.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 10:51 PM
Thursday, January 28, 2010
To get it out of the way, no I have not worked out, in fact I doubt if I will at all this week. And right now, don't care. It sucks, and yes I know I'm setting myself back, I'll get back to it when I'm out of my funk.
Onto the pit!
Last night I went to see Airbourne, The Joe Perry Project, and Motley Crue. I loved both the Crue and Airbourne, I was very very unimpressed with JPP. But good lord ladies...oh the hair, and the leather, and the man hips just a movin...yum. Add to it that I only now discovered that Tommy Lee plays piano (yeah I know, I'm not all that observant), he's a new crush. I can't help myself. I adore piano players.
Because these tix to see the Crue were a very last minute Christmas present from the hub we got stuck with nosebleeds. Decent ones mind you, we could actually see the band...they were the height of my son's GI Joes...but still, we could see them. It was probably better that I wasn't down where I belong though, because oh yes, the pit IS where I belong. I'm pretty sure I've been sportin a slight fever the past couple days, which would explain my insane need for sleep, my throat's been raw and I know it's no longer because the amount of cigarettes I've smoked, I'm out of denial, I'm sick. Damn it.
Either way, while I sat up in my nosebleeds (because I felt faint so was lame and sat), I stared down over the standing floor area. That fenced off area right by the stage, close enough for the spit showers. I could close my eyes and feel it, experience it...and fuck me did I miss it. I can't even explain every feeling, imagine the scent of sex, sweat, booze, excitement, anger, love, fear...feeling the bass and drums thump through your body, nearly stopping and restarting your heart to its rhythm, the wet hard bodies surrounding you, pushing you, screaming with you, dancing, fighting, aching to get closer to those that we idolize and adore. Oh and fuck if you actually get to meet the band, lucky enough to follow them back to their hotel (yes I have...semi local ish bands...no one big unfortunately, but one day, oh one day, I will have my Sully).
As I was sitting in row 233 next to a camo wearin pot smokin lame-o tryin to be a badass...I realized how old I am. Fuck. I'm a mom now, I can't even afford the fucking tickets to hit the floor and elbow my way up to the fence. No more ogling band members and those sexy ass serious faced rent a cops. Some of them could have patted me down anyday.
One day though, I'm going to treat myself. And I will be right there. Making fuck me eyes to the vocalist, guitarist, bassist, drummer...because that's how you end up in the good places, and get the best pictures. Yeah I know, blah blah, I'm married. My hubby knew all this about me before we got together. He knows nothing actually happens...but that doesn't mean I won't play up my "assets" to get what I want. I'm a dirty girl.
And I say all this as I sit at my comp in a hoodie and jeans, hair tied up in a pony, kidlet playin with his GI Joe planes...yeah...dirty girl. Le fucking sigh.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 5:07 PM
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I wish I could explain this without feeling like a complete tool. I don't even have hormones to blame it on. The past few days have been tearful and exhausting, this morning started off with a grand fight. I just don't want to do anything. Not a fucking thing. I want to sit on the couch, that's all.
I know I should work out, I think I'll do the laundry instead.
I'm getting to a point where I kind of want to give up on this whole blogging thing. I'm turning into one of those people that I hate, and I do not like sharing that with the world.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 7:30 AM
Monday, January 25, 2010
I haven't read all of the blogs, I doubt I will, I've read some and commented where I felt the need to, but from here on out it's fresh with blogs. I just can't keep sitting here and going back.
The weekend was good! Mostly. Worked long days with my favorite ex manager, no really, I adore her, and even hit the bar Saturday night for a three hour, 9 ounce bender. Oh yeah, I was hammered. Good times! Had issues with the gal that was sent to "help" us out at the show. Colleen and I work best under pressure, shows are the biggest pressure, this girl kept stepping on our toes, Colleen and I are very much alike. We were ready to snap, and she was sent home early on the "it's pretty slow" basis both days she worked.
Had lots and lots of eye candy. Tattooed bald delish yummy bikers. I'm still drooling. Food was...well concession food. I honestly didn't eat much of anything while I was there, but what I did eat, with the exception of the nice little vendor lunch the agri centre laid out on Sunday, was shit. On Sunday I saw the salads and sandwiches and was never so happy to see a carrot stick in my life. It felt soooo good to eat some real food. Unfortunately the little amount of food I ate over the weekend already has me pegged back up to where I was, what the hell! Literally my days were breakfast: small blueberry muffin, lunch: smokie (sausagey type thing for all my 'merican's), dinner: smokie or slice of pizza.
I need to relax. Seriously so tired. I'd also told Ian to be there to pick Colleen and I up at 7 instead of 8 when we were scheduled to be done. Takedown went great and we ended up being finished at 6, when Ian decided to leave Edmonton. Which left Colleen and I sitting around until 8 pm. We were not happy girls.
Then this morning Ian tells me that the receipts I need to drop off, and the email I need to send to head office about my pay....well I have to bus it to the mall and back (2 hours each way), in the time Tony's at school. Ian also let me sleep until 7:30 am. So basically I woke up, threw on some clothes, started a pot of coffee, didn't get any coffee or breakfast, then had to hop on the bus to hit the mall. No coffee, no food, and 6 cigarettes later, I was vibrating and so angry.
Luckily my little Brett, a guy that worked with me at the shop, offered me a ride home. I bought him, and myself, a delish chicken caesar crepe. He made me smile again.
Now it's not even 8 pm. I'm sore, tired, my throat hurts from all the smoking...I'm ready for bed. I leave for Wisconsin in exactly a week. I'm excited, but already dreading the flight.
Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 6:41 PM
The past four days has been crazy. I'm tired, burnt out, and so ready to relax. I'm going to try to catch up on blogs soon, but I promise nothing. I might just start reading from today. I'll update y'all soon with how my weekend went!
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 2:57 PM
Friday, January 22, 2010
The scale's whorriness was stowed today as it gave me a 3 lbs loss. Haven't seen these numbers since before October people!
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 4:26 AM
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I'm going to be away y'all until Sunday night. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be three long, grueling, wonderful hours selling gear to (hopefully) some eye candy type bikers! I'm estimating at least 30 hours this weekend, it's going to be great! There's my spending money for my trip back to WI to see my sis!
As I'll be out of town there will be no access to my blog and e-mail. Those of you that can hit me up on facebook or text! Also, no scales at the hotel so I'll be weighing in tomorrow. Hopped on this morning for a cheat peek and saw I'm down 2.6 lbs! Let's home that stays, maybe I'll even drop more, these are numbers I haven't seen since before my last trip home in October!
Speaking of home, it still feels so surreal that I'm going, it's all happening so fast. The closer it gets (10 more days), the more excited I am. I know it's all bittersweet, it's not ideal reasons I'm going home, but I can't help but be excited I'm going to see everyone again. This last holiday was very very tough for me, being away from the fam. And then I guess it kind of hits me that my baby won't be with me. This will be the first time I've taken a trip away from him for more than a couple days. I'm going to miss him sooo much! It's got me teary eyed just thinking about it. I'm going to miss my husband too, of course, that first night alone in bed is always a killer. I'm excited at the aspect of having a solo trip, just me, no worries...but I already miss my son, and the bugger's layin on the couch behind me!
Anyway, this is more than I wanted to get into, just wanted to give a heads up, I'm not disappearing, I'm just disappearing for a few days. Know what I'm sayin? Update on Monday!
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 11:54 AM
Monday, January 18, 2010
Up 1 lbs this week. I know why, no it's not ALL food, but no my PMS eating didn't help. Moving on!
I got this sweet award from Miss Suzi:
And here are the are instructions that come along with this award:
1. Copy the image and display it on your blog.
2. List 10 things that make you happy.
3. Try to do at least one of them today.
4. Pass on the award to 10 bloggers who brighten your day.
My list of ten things:
1. My son. No explanation needed.
2. Family and Friends.
3. Happy toes!!!
8. Trips to the zoo or museums
9. Random presents from hubby, because it's so very very rare that he thinks of it.
10. Dancing the night away! And that's just what I did on Saturday!
Pass it on to ten people? Can't. You all make me happy.
Onto booty shaking!
Saturday night I went out for a high cal carb laden dinner at Olive Garden with a girlfriend of mine. The food was divine and we both ate until we were stuffed. Oh yes, I did! I wasn't worried about it. With only one cocktail and water the rest of the night I danced all those calories off. From 10 pm to 2 am my ass was moving! On the dance floor, on the speaker, even outside during smoke breaks! It's Monday morning and let me tell you, my thighs are still screaming! Today calls for a light workout of pilates, oh yes.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 7:41 AM
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Boston cream pie flavored. That's right sit in envy. I had a small piece. Yesterday though I also failed to work out, and snackied left right and center. I'm PMSing y'all. I'm going to try to not let it fail me this week, but yesterday was a gong show. Not everything I put into my mouth was bad, it was just more than I should have had. I know that, and I don't know how to explain it, but I was actually hungry. It wasn't just me eating out of boredom, emotion, etc. My stomach was actually growling and kicking my ass because I was hungry. So I fed it. I make no excuses. I didn't do well, and now I'm moving on.
For all of you that have a reply e-mail, I'm going to try and get back to you guys today but I have soooooooooo much to get done! Hope everyone has a wonderful hump day!
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 7:29 AM
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My girl Julia bestowed upon me this:
Apparently I'm suppposed to list seven random things about me then pass this puppy on to seven other bloggers. So here goes:
1. I have anger issues. I know I know most of you are just BAFFLED by this! (insert eye roll here) So far they have been kept pretty well at bay, but I'm really worried that one of these days I will hurt someone that really pisses me off. Like physically. I'm one of those women you have to be afraid of if they get silent. Generally I walk away but...one of these days y'all.
2. I love lists! I don't know why but just doing what needs done is never as satisfying as seeing a list with everything checked or crossed off of it.
3. I love spending my summers at zoos and museums. Especially big museum type things with actors in period clothing, etc.
4. Despite what my blog shows, I don't get along very well with other women. I grew up with the guys, actually just had a comment made to me via text about how many guy friends I have. I told him that these don't see me as a woman...just another one of the guys...with tits.
5. My body is 90% water 10% caffeine. I am a coffee addict. I can't function without the stuff. If you ever want me to do something for you, bribe me with coffee!
6. I love to say the word cunt. Why? Because it's a word that's universally offensive to women. I don't know why. I'm not calling anyone a cunt...mostly pool balls because the bastards haven't gone into the pockets I've directed them too. I don't know, maybe it's because I don't find it offensive, but I love the look of shock on womens' faces when I say it, and the outright amazement of men when they hear it. I should have been a shock jock.
7. Speaking of shock jock, I've got a diploma in Radio Broadcast Arts. And it's useless. The school is shut down and the former president is in prison in Georgia for fraud. Maybe one day I'll get my shot, but not anytime soon.
Okay some bloggy love:
4. Fat Daddy
There are soooooo many more I could hand this out to but today I'm choosing to follow the rules...which is totally rebelling for me!!!
Hope my seven randos have brought a little enlightenment.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 6:22 AM
Monday, January 11, 2010
I've got the music cranked and am currently bouncing in my computer chair.
I think this calls for a bra and capri dance night after I tuck the Tonester into bed!!!
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 5:34 PM
Saturday, January 9, 2010
My scale is a whore.
I second that!
I'll be completely honest though. If I'm maintaining at just over 200 lbs, and following plan and exercising (when I never used to) isn't helping drop that weight, does that mean I'm stuck here forever? Am I ok with that?
Please tell me what to do!
Also to clarify, my sis is a chosen sis. She's my absolute bestest friend in the whole world. God couldn't have handed me a blood sister better than her. So in all reality, she doesn't even have my mom to talk to. In fact her mom passed away a few years ago. She doesn't have her mom.
As for the way my mom is acting...I've talked to my cousin and aunt (my mom's sister...real sister) and they've both said this isn't like her. She's with this new guy right? The one she just married? And she's changed herself to cater to him. I didn't even want to tell her I was coming to WI. I shouldn't have. I knew she'd react in a not so positive way. Next time I go I probably won't say anything at all. She's alienating herself from her family. It's killing me. I miss the mom I always knew and loved, this isn't her.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 10:23 AM
Down only .4 this week. I've exercised 5 days and with my comp being fixed I've been able to track again...been on plan.
What the hell? I hate my body.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 7:52 AM
Friday, January 8, 2010
So some things have been worked out with my sis. For now there won't be a divorce, but each day will bring something new. I still feel, however, that I need to be there to support her. So with the help of my higher power, and Air Miles, I will be flying into Green Bay next month with mixed emotions.
My mom and I actually argued about it when I asked her for a ride from the airport, and offered to pay for her gas and food on the way home. She told me I can't fix anything, I said I know that and I'm not trying to, she asked how Jenn would feel after I left, I said hopefully that some of the weight of her problems would be going with me. She told me she didn't have money for me, I told her that I have my own thank you very much. She stomped on my heart today, and the longer I think about the way she treated me and the words she said, the angrier and more hurt I get. I need to stop thinking about it. Needless to say I told her to forget the ride, my cousin will get me.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 9:39 PM
Last night was so bipolar. I got to talk to a friend I hadn't spoken to since at least 1999, it was wonderful catching up with her! I'm looking forward to calling her again today.
However as sooon as I hung up the phone and hopped on facebook before heading to bed my sister popped up and asked if I was around still. She ended up calling me and telling me that things had gotten bad between her and her hubby, he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore and she gave him back her wedding rings. We both know that it's more than that though. He's giving up because of much more than her.
Of course this is one of those reasons I hate living so far away. My sister does not cry. She does not call, reach out, ask for help. So for her to do any of this...it's bad. I feel that she needs me and I can't be there for her.
Ian and I have been saving up Air Miles for a very long time now, waiting until we got enough packed away that we could go somewhere a little tropical. It seems this may be the only way I'm able to go home. The only problem is I won't be able to fly out until at least the 25th as I've got the next two weekends booked up with work, and Air Miles wants at least 7 day advance booking. So I'm waiting, very impatiently, to hear from my sis. If she doesn't want me there, then there's no point in going. If she needs me now, is 20 days too late?
I hate this waiting game.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 9:15 AM
Thursday, January 7, 2010
So I told her I'd post my measurements since the not nearly 30 day shred off...haven't yet, so here they are Tam!
Total inches lost: 3.5
As for weight? Only a loss of 0.8 lbs. Fucking gay.
I hope getting back on with my tracking and working out with the bootcamp 6 days a week will speed shit up. I'm sick of maintaining!
PS: Yes, my hips really are that big. I can't believe how fat I am. Fucking hips.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 12:11 PM
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
So I got a nudge from a fellow blogger that I hadn't posted in a while...here's a bit of an update.
Exercise: it's on like donkey kong!
Work: My husband fired me. Yeah. He says it's just cuz we can't work together, I think it's because he feels that I'm not moving fast enough for him, I feel he hasn't given me a real chance. But how could he when I don't work every day of the week...he fired me after working one day with him after nearly four weeks off. Go figure. So I'm a stay at home mom again. I'm still casual with the biker shop so I've got two weekends lined up that I'm working shows this month. I'm working only a few hours for the Edmonton show but the following weekend I'll be heading down for 30 hrs in 3 days in Red Deer. I'm pretty stoked! I've always loved working bike shows, love the atmosphere, love the people, and from what I've been told Red Deer is one of the biggest shows. Bring on the commission y'all!
Emotional Health: Meh
So far this week has been pretty fucking shitty. I'll deal with it though. I'll get through this.
On a positive note my comp is back up to a point where I am able to access WW Online without fearing my stored credit card info will be kifed. So I'm back to tracking!!! This means I should no longer be stuck in maintenance mode. Seriously, I think once I get to where I want to be...I'll be able to maintain no problem. I've been doing it for months!
I'm really loving this bootcamp DVD that Tammy got for me. I'm still in level one but have just started keeping constant with it on this past Monday so I'll stay there for a bit, however the 3 lbs weights I've been using have just felt way too light so I bumped up to the 5. I still feel like I'm getting a far better lower body workout than upper (my ass is killin me y'all!) but Tammy warned me about level two so I'm counting on my arms burnin like mad once I get there.
For now, that's all she wrote.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 8:45 AM
Friday, January 1, 2010
So with my last post and my excitement for 2010 will bring...I've decided it's time to clear out some of my blogroll. I've been following a shit ton of blogs since I started and probably only 15 people are still blogging.
However, I've come to this decision over one person who has just started, and blogs nearly every day. I came to this because he makes me very very angry. A girlfriend of mine told me last night that I have anger issues...well that may be, but when I want to throw my computer monitor out the window because some guy blah blahs about bullshit, it's time to stop reading.
The sad thing is I was led to his blog because I was told it was heartbreaking, so I started commenting, at first it was encouraging, I was trying to help, reaching out, etc. Then I started getting snarky, stopping just short of saying "QUIT BEING A FUCKING TOOL YOU D-BAG IDIOT" because I really really wanted to.
If you're curious...just e-mail, I'll tell ya.
Posted by ~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ at 2:21 PM