For a special girl I know...

There's this girl I know, that told me not so very long ago that she was giving up. That she HAD given up. I can't let that be ok. Why? Because I'm there hon. I've walked that line. My stats seem pretty great. Sort of. I just took a look at a bit of my past on this blogger thing.

My first post was on June 12/2008. I was ten weeks into my journey, not very long at all. I had lost 20 lbs by that point. Not too shabby eh? January 10/2009 I weighed in at 237. My most recent WI has me at 209. Giving me a loss of only 28 lbs. For a whole year! That's all I've done?! If that isn't enough to get me to give up, I sure don't know what is. Let's take a look at some pictoral progress...

This was taken sometime in the summer of 2007. And stupid me, I thought I was kinda cute.



This was Jan. of 2008, a couple months before I decided it was time. I'll let you know now, I don't take full body pictures. If I manage to find any for this post...you'll be lucky.



This was taken at my little brother's wedding, July 26/2008.



This was taken October of 2008. I don't remember the occasion, but I thought I was cute.




Feb 2009, look at my fat face




March of 2009...real attractive.



June 28/2009...this is why I don't take pictures unless hair and makeup is done. Seriously.



August of 2009, first time I ever saw a picture of me taken by someone else where I didn't have three chins!



Oct 2009



Halloween 2009, also the first time I ever left the house (ever in my life) in a dress this short...



And finally my most recent...this was taken on Christmas eve...



And that's it my friends. Does it look like anything special? Hell no. Nearly two fucking years and I've lost a whopping 75 lbs. And gained god knows how much because I'm not a nazi. I'm on a roller coaster. Insert a big le sigh here.

Now I knew then that it was going to take time. I figured 18 months tops to be at goal. If I knew then that nearly two years down I wouldn't even have seen the underside of 200 would I have kept going? Would I even have started?

Yeah...I think I would. It would have been a lot harder to handle. But 2010 finds me a much healthier, far more active girl. It's a long road, but it's worth every hurdle, every back slide and every fucking struggle to get back on the right path. Because now it doesn't kill me to run with my kid..well mostly. But I can walk straighter, keep my head a bit higher, I can actually feel like I've accomplished something. I can breathe better, sleep better, sit better...everything.

It's worth it girl. Never give up. We're in this for the long haul. I hope not so long for you as it has been for me...but even if it is, it'll be worth it, and I'll be right here with you.

Tagged!

And I'm not talking about that beautiful grafiti on the side of a train, I mean this chick Julia decided she wanted to know the top ten things that make me happy. Funny enough, a lot of them coincide with hers!

1. My son. Come on now, y'all had to see that coming. Without him my life would have no meaning.

2. Singing. No lie. I used to sing really well, in choir, did solo ensemble, all that shit. I can't sing for shit now but I don't care. I loooooove to sing. And I generally sing to either match or alter my mood. Music is hugely influential in my life, especially emotionally.

3. Being home and smelling the rain. This may sound weird to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I was born in Texas, raised in Wisconsin, and spent every summer until my 17th in Texas with my grandparents. I've smelled the rain in both of these states and as alike as rain should smell, somehow the scent of it on concrete always brings me back to Texas. The scent of a wet grass and tress and I'm right back in Wisconsin. It's peace and beauty to me.

4. Spending time with my "sister". Yeah yeah quotes, blah. She's not blood. She's chosen. And she represents everything that defines a sister to me. We can sit and not speak a word to each other, and be ok with it. We can get into a heated debate and argue for hours, smoking and drinking coffee, and end the argument laughing. She's my best friend. I love her.

5. Hitting concerts. Self explanatory really. If you haven't experienced, or haven't paid attention, to the atmosphere of an amazing show, I dare you to. Stand at a show and FEEL it. Don't just listen, don't just be part of the herd, FEEL it. It will change your life. I promise.

6. Watching tornado movies with my son. He's just as into them as I am now, only he hasn't experienced one yet. This summer we'll be heading to Texas for a week, either it's going to scare the shit out of him or he'll want to move to Tornado Alley and chase storms when he grows up!

7. Listening to my son sing. I pray that he has my (or what I had anyway) talent, and that he uses it to his full ability. He is only five and has a wonderful appreciation of music. Let's hope it sticks!

8. Like Julia, I love the sun! People give me shit for moving to Canada and now I give my hubby shit for not moving us to Texas. I'm telling you, I have setbacks every winter because of a lack of sunlight. With the cold and snow and gloom...I just want to curl up and hibernate. I was probably a bear in a past life.

9. I love to laugh. I haven't laughed enough lately. I miss home. I laugh so much when I'm back with my family and friends in Wisconsin.

10. Love. And it doesn't have to be a romantic love. This is one of the reason bitches hate me and men misunderstand me. I can love you, and tell you I love you, without wanting to fuck you. Get it? But yeah, I love love. I love caring for someone and knowing they care about me. I love giving all of myself, the only thing I fear is getting burned. But...it only makes you stronger right?

Anyway. Here's my list. Now apparently I'm supposed to tag 10 more people or some shit, but I won't. Yeah I'ma cop out. Think about how happy it might make you to post and think about what MAKES you happy though...sometimes that's all it takes to put a smile on your grouch ass face.

<3

Wow!

Just finished my first bootcamp workout. Let me tell you, during the workout it didn't seem so bad, during cooldown it all hit me. I'm hot, sweaty, and ready to shower then die, it was FREAKING AWESOME!

I love you Tammy! haha

down

So WI was okay today, down 1.6, dropping the water weight and taking me back to the previous week plus an extra .2 down. Not bad considering the amount of boozeage and lack of exercise this week.

I'm back on track today though, woke up and did a boxing day workout. I think I'm going to try the bootcamp, mix it up a bit. Pretty safe to say I failed the Shred off. December was a stupid month to try. Tammy agrees!

There is another blogger out there who's struggling, A LOT! She says she's given up, but I'm hoping I can help her. I'll be posting a blog up here pretty soon for her, but no, I'm not going to out her so you'll just have to deal with that. :P

I hope everyone had a wicked Christmas! Santa brought me tix to see the Crue, I must have been a good girl!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

So food? Bad. Shred? Ok. Current WI. Up 1.4 from the 3 lbs loss from last week. So I'm less than half a pound from 75 lost...yet again. Oh yes I do love that roller coaster. However I'm chalking 3/4 of the gain to bad eating, 1/4 to PMS and water retention doom. Oh well.

Today I skipped a second day of Shredding. I was busy aaaaaall day, finally got home at 9 pm after hours of shopping, and hubby and kidlet took over the telly to watch the hockey game. It's now 20 after 11 and there's no way I'm gonna try it y'all. I'm sorry, call me a failure, I don't give no fuck. I'm too tired and sore to push myself tonight.

Also, I'm bored. Like so very very bored with the Shred. I don't think that physically I should be moving up to level three tomorrow morning, but I think I just may have to, otherwise I'm going to give up on the Shred and move on to other things. Like the wicked awesome bootcamp that I've yet to try (that the totally wicked awesome Tammy sent me for Christmas--what a doll!!!). So yesterday I skipped the Shred as well, however, I replaced it with 45 minutes of bellydancing, and at least 40 minutes of some Carmen Electra cardio strip love. Funny enough both of these would have had me huffing and puffing and dripping sweat months ago, last night I just got a nice toasty warm feeling. They're not even close to the intensity of the Shred which makes me like the Shred even more because I know my body needs it...but now I'm going to be on the hunt for more Jillian vids and Biggest Loser type vids. As much as I love Miss Carmen...she just ain't doin me the way she used to.

Christmas shopping is nearly done. Of course we've already gone over budget, finances would give me a heart attack and make sure I didn't gain a pound as I'd be too scared to eat due to massive amounts of nausea, if I let it of course. This year the holidays have hit me harder than I can remember. I'm aching for my family back in the States. I love my hubby's family, but it's never the same, and they don't fill my soul the way my family does.

I'm looking forward to January! On the weekend of the fifteenth I'll be working a few hours for a couple days at the Edmonton Bike Show. I told hubby that if it were possible I'd work only shows and I'd love it, but there's an atmosphere at a show that could never ever compare to standing behind a till, and in order to work these shows as I know them I'd have to be standing behind that till fairly regularly. So nope. He was great though, he said if I wanted to travel all over Canada and the US and be a major rep for a bike he'd totally support me, but I can't do that either. I have a little boy, he needs his mum, and I need him. But it really did make me feel wonderful to hear that.

I don't know if I'll be posting again before Christmas, if I don't, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and an amazing New Year!

Update

Since I've been away from the comp I've missed exactly one day of my shred so today marks day 15 for me. I missed because I've developed an ear infection that has left me half deaf in one ear (but may or may not recover hearing) and the day after I saw the doc I didn't get off the couch other than to pee or go to bed.

I fought myself to shred today.

I have been riding a low for sometime now, tried to pull out of it but it never lasts, today I feel like I've nearly hit bottom.

I won't bore you all with the details. Just know that I miss the positivity of the blogger community.

Day 7 level 2

Oi. Good times I tell ya! Level two was definitely more challenging but I soooo need it after the extra easy time of level one. I'm now dripping sweat again and it feels great!

I've got a week off of work so blah...e-mail me people and keep me company!

Self love:



Yes I did just post a pic of my ass.

Look at that curve baby!

Days 5 and 6

Shred completed for both days (woot) tomorrow I start level 2! Wish me luck y'all!

Yesterday was a very very slow day at work. Then when the munchkin got home he was crying and running a very obvious fever, coughed like a 4 pack a day smoker, and was so unbelievably lethargic. Off to the doc we went. 2 1/2 hours and a missed nail appt later and we were handed some antibiotics to treat a viral infection. I know I know, they won't do dick all for what's ailing him, but apparently it may keep any bacterial infection from forming while his immune system is compromised. Let's just say I was not impressed with this foreign doctor. And that's me saying it nicely.

Today I was supposed to head to Shopper's and get pics copied and stamps for Christmas cards etc etc...well with Tony sick it didn't happen. So I have to attempt again tomorrow. And do laundry because I bailed on that today and instead made scrumptious choco chip cookies. Don't worry, I didn't eat them all.

This morning's WI brought 2 lbs back onto my fatty mcfatterson body. Not impressed. The only reason I'm not giving Jillian a big fat fuck you and tossing the vid into the trash is because I'm in this with Tammy. Seriously. Jillian you're lucky you've got Tammy to back you up otherwise I'd break your skinny ass like a twig. For real.

Fuck it, it's day 4

Shredded a bit late today. The kidlet had only a half day so I let myself sleep a bit more and got the Shred in after he'd left for school. I want to clarify for y'all, I DO eat breakfast! Just not before I workout.

I'm getting very annoyed with my body. Thus far my daily WI is showing a 1.3 lb gain. Not happy.

Level one is getting too easy, I'll be bumping up to level two by Monday at the latest.

Self love...well hubster still didn't upload pics so I'll share an old one:



Yes I love my shoes. They are sexy shoes, but that's not what I'm lovin at the moment. Check out my ankles. I know that's a wierd thing to say...ankles...but really. I've always been big, but my ankles never have been. The only time I experienced the pain of cankles was when I was pregnant. Otherwise I've always had strong but slender, sexy beautiful ankles. I heart them.

Shred day 2

Does anyone else know how awkward working out while wearing a thong is?

Next time I vote commando.

Also, I hate making breakfast. That's right. The fat girl doesn't want to eat in the morning.

Shred off Day 1 (or 2?)

Alright dudes and dudettes, I completed today's Shred without feeling like I was going to go to the dark side, woohoo! I actually felt pretty good after today's shred, and had a nice bowl of oatmeal after my workout. Cam you asked if I eat before my workout, I do not. I can't eat before a workout. I know I know it's not the best idea in the world but I know if I don't get up and get my workout done...it WILL NOT get done at all. So I just do it yo. Then I eat.

I've been setting the alarm for 4:30 am hoping that I can snooze my way to getting up at 5 am. I'm still averaging about 5:15 that I start my workout and that's just too damn late. I hate rushing to get lunches made and get my shower in and get ready for work and all that shit, and it seems like I get frantic doing that after my workout.

So, no body love pics as of yet, although maybe through my most recent progress pics taken this morning I can just pick something out of them. I need to get on it yo! And my hubby dearest needs to get the damn necropsy pictures off my camera. I'd have been more apt to take tons of self love pics and pic from any one of them but with the necro pics there's no way dude. I don't want to see froggy innards. The only reason I took the damn progress pics was because I told Tammy it's the easiest way to SEE the results...and it's true!

So to reveal my horrible disgusting befores:





Ok...nope. There's nothin I can do to pull some positive out of those pics. And I swear if you judge me I will find you and break your damn nose.

Now for more ugliness...my measurements:

Arm: 14 3/4
Chest: 42 1/4
Waist: 39 1/4
Hip: 52 (I think I'm going to puke)
Thigh: 26 1/2
Calf: 16

There it is, all my shame in all its fatty glory. Jillian better kick my ass this month.

Until next time...

Shred Eve

So I did some Shred this morning to prep for my next 30 days and Shredding with Tammy and Co.

After I was done getting the kidlet up and started putting some grapes into a bowl to wash for breakfast, I nearly hit the ground. Yup, everything turned a hazy black. So I had to sit down and felt really odd for the rest of the day, until I ate more substantial food. Maybe that's a hint?

Tonester lost another tooth yesterday, my baby's gettin so big!

I'd show you some lovey type pic, however my hubby's got necropsy pics on the camera and I just refuse to upload those. He needs to take care of it tonight though because I need to get a progress pic up tomorrow.

Oh and Tammy...in less than twelve hours IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

The definition of insanity...

Is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Something's gotta change. So I lost a little this week, big deal, I'm still five pounds heavier than I was at one point in my journey and this is soooo not where I want to be right now. Thanks to a few fellow bloggers I've decided that my journey is no longer about weight loss, but also about learning to love myself.

It's so often that I look in the mirror, or look down at myself, and feel nothing but hatred and shame. The last time I remember looking at myself and being ok with who I was and what I looked like I was seventeen years old. That was a long ass time ago. After nearly ten years of falling back into the black hole of doom and spouting venom and toxicity at myself I find that mentally and emotionally I just can no longer take the self abuse. It's not right, so today is the day that I begin another life changing journey, the one that will hopefully take my self hate and turn it into...if not love then an appreciation of what and who I am.

The first step is blogging more often. It doesn't seem like much, but when I feel I have nothing to say, nothing positive, nothing negative, just...nothing, then I don't say anything at all. I don't know that I can promise any amount of blogs, but I know I need to do it far more often. It can be very therapeutic.

The next is posting pictures. Pictures of good things, of bad, of anything. I've seen some body love pics, and I sooo envy the women that have done that. Maybe I can get some courage up to do something similar myself. I'd like to post pictures of certain things on my body that I do love. But one at a time. Progress pictures are a must!

Another thing I need to do is go shopping. I know, haha, I'm a woman and women feel the need to shop. It isn't that. I'm still hiding in my clothing. When I was in Wisconsin my cousin told me that she feels like since I've lost weight I'm hiding my body more than ever. What's with that?! Shouldn't I be proud and happy to show myself off? I'm not though. I'm not done yet, I'm not ready to reveal. But I've also discovered that in hiding my body now, I don't appreciate how far I've come or the changes that should be quite visible. It's time to come out of my shell and stop dressing like I did at 285 lbs.

So with all that being said I'm going to make these changes. Whenever I have some quiet time I WILL blog. Whenever I see something that I like, I will post pictures. When I see something I don't like, I'll find something about it that is better than before, and then post a picture of that. I'm going to make these changes, I'm going to learn. It may take me a while...but I'll get there.

Down

2.8, blog to come tonight as soon as I have some delish quiet time!!!

Funny isn't it?

How quickly something happens and as insignificant it may seem it can damage any pride and progress you may have made.

Last night hubby was especially cranky. He had a few rounds at me that normally I would have jumped at the chance to fight back, we all know my temper, but somehow had me so stumped and hurt that I just couldn't. You see I didn't know then, nor do I know now, what it was that caused his toddler sized fits.

Then this morning I woke up in a mound of pain and just utterly feeling like shite that I decided I needed a sick day. I felt that maybe it were better if I didn't go to work with Ian, even moreso when I discovered TOM had made an early appearance and decided to kill me with cramps. Oh yeah, TMI, I don't give no shit. I'm a woman, it's just the way it goes.

I tried to stay in bed and just keep resting while I could as I knew that hubby knew I was staying home, but he refused to get out of bed and get my kidlet fed and ready for school so, as there's no rest for the wicked, I was up and taking care of business as usual. It kept crossing my mind that I should really get my Shred in, but I couldn't find the motivation. I'd even thought, hey I know I feel like shit but I should clean the house. It was the perfect opportunity. I got the whole day to myself so why not take advantage right? Right. I stayed in my jammers until an hour before I had to pick Tony up from school.

Today I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I know 80 percent of this is hormone-ays talking...but just for today, I lost.

I know tomorrow is a new day, I know tomorrow I can start over, but if I'm this loser-ish now, what's going to happen in December when Tammy and I do our Shred off? Will I flake all losery then too?

Fuckin fuck.

'Merican Thanksgiving!

Hey all, down 0.8 this week. Not great, but definitely not the slap in the face of the 1 lb gain and the 0.2 loss of the past couple weeks.

Tonight my in laws are holding an American Thanksgiving dinner for me, how sweet is that?! Generally I find myself missing both so a few years ago I started having one for American Thanksgiving. I only indulged in Turkey once a year, and I love turkey. I made sure I had my damn Turkey! Ha!

I'm looking forward to tonight's dinner, although it'd never compare to my mom's or even my own. Canadians cook so differently!

Hope this finds everyone well :)

Not so happy hump day

It's a new record my friends. I think I was all happy go lucky for two freakin days.

Last night, yeah yeah I'm one of those, I stepped on the scale and saw 217. I seriously almost started crying. Stepped on this morning and saw 215, and then I got angry. Big surprise right. I swear if that fucking scale had a face I'd punch it right in its nose.

I'm finally getting more work in as Ian's caught up, and I've been working my ass off with my workouts. Shredding every morning then pilates at night, with the exception of Tuesdays. It's shit like the stupid vaginaface scale that keeps me from enjoying working out. How the fuck are those numbers going up? How is it that I can barely move my ass from the fucking couch and drop 1-2 lbs a week? Before I left for WI I was down to 205. What the fucking fuck?!

Today is a bad bad day....bad day.

Monday

Good morning lovelies!

This morning I hit the snooze on my phone for an hour, crawled out at 6 am, ran downstairs and hit up Jillian for some early morning lovin, then got the kidlet out of bed and fed while I showered. Had him to school for twenty after seven.

It's quarter after eight and now I have to get my ass in gear to eat. Seriously.

Today marks a new day my friends. Today begins the Monday-Friday Shred. Wish me luck!

meh

down 0.2.

I guess it's a start. And at least it isn't a gain.

Kind of a slap in the face though.

Fucking scale.

It was better

Tammy advised I have hubby take the evil bag of bite size butterfingers and put them out of sight. And then move on. Done and done.

Now my problem is that I'm a daily scale peeker. And I know my bit o' binge would not have fucked me that much this week. However my numbers on the scale are still up. If not higher. I am not looking forward to WI tomorrow.

People keep telling me to take a breath, when you first start exercising blah blah blah. Here's the deal, I'm taking measurements tomorrow soon. If I don't see a drop in the scale in the next couple weeks I'm going to go spastic.

Today sucks

I'm a bad partner in crime.

My body is rejecting me.

Tomorrow I shred. And stay away from the butterfingers. And drink water and sleep properly.

Tomorrow will be better.

Arachno-fucker!

First off I must say I think I was a bit zealous, and not totally clear, about my exercise intentions. I discovered yesterday that there's no way in hell I'd be able to do a workout Tuesday nights and be up for 5 am on Wednesday. Reason being I have meetings that run until usually 9:30-10 ish pm. Now I know some of you are hardcore like that and will still do it, I however need wind down time after a work out to be able to sleep, and only after a low intensity workout. So there's all that, also Saturday and Sunday are my days off. I need days off. Next month when Tammy and I do our Shred off (ps if any of you would like to join just drop me an e-mail!!!) I will be working out the Shred only on the weekends, but this normally no way. My body needs to repair, those are my days.

On to the arachno-fucker!

Yesterday at work I encountered many of the evil bastards. The first one was easily destroyed, the second was the size of a hippo and had fangs bigger than Texas. I swear the fucker hissed at me! So I grabbed the broom and ninja swept his ginormous ass into a hole in the floor! Yeah! I was feelin pretty good until his rhino sized partner in crime crept up on me. Eyes glowing bright red, legs dancing and ready to spear me in the heart. I screamed and my wonderful hubby told me to suck it up. Which immediately earned him a death glare. My death rays must not be working because he completely ignored me, the bastard. So with the aid of the same spidey killing broom I swept his ass out from the corner and stomped him. I saw blood squirt everywhere but still felt the fucker crawling on me...which called for a well deserved cigarette!

Another of the fuckers came running toward me, front legs raised, ready to attack, so I stomped his ass too. One smaller one, I'd say the size of a gator, I was able to work around...very very carefully...but we laid out boundaries. I told him he was to stay in his corner and I'd stay in mine...and then he disappeared and I got the heebie jeebies.

Then I hear my husband. My sweet, wonderful, loving, dear husband. He yelled out something to me that I was unable to hear as the radio was nicely cranked. I said what? He yelled again...huh? Then he's behind me and he says, very loudly, "You should see the size of this spider!" I turn around and in his hands are 40 flying legs and giant bulgy eyes and fangs and disgustingness. I screamed, nearly threw my tape measure at hime (I regret not doing it) and ran. The ass hat laughed. A lot. The spider was a tree seed. Like poplar fuzz type shit.

I think I'll file this for reasons to divorce! Ha!

I promise that I'll leave you satisfied!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoqtbEhYIV0

And I will! I've been diggin on this Social Code song since it was released. LOVE IT! And I sure hope the embed code works....

So I've been gettin my ass back on track for the past few days. Last week was a hard one. It usually is after getting back from home, every year it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to the ones that I love so much. The past few days though I've gotten myself a wicked awesome WL partner in crime (http://tammys-tale.blogspot.com/), she's already giving me what for and keeping me straight. Just knowing she's there and working toward the same goal is enough. Almost nightly chats about anything and everything...yup...I'm so glad I asked for her help!

I went and did a grocery run on Saturday and LOADED up on fruits, veggies, and all things healthy. Finally some good food in the house! Bye bye poor girl hamburger helper! Last night was some spaghetti, I don't know how to make a good sauce base so I just grabbed a jar of healthy choice then cut up a red pepper, green pepper, yellow pepper, orange pepper, mushrooms, carrots, and zuchinni. Yum! I think all the crap has finally left my body because good lord am I craving the good for you stuff!

Yesterday's breakfast was a fresh fruit salad; 1/2 pear, 1/2 apple, 1/2 banana, and a 1/2 cup of grapes with some light whip...and a whole wheat english muffin. Gotta have my carbs in the morning, I can't help myself! This breakfast is sooooo much better than the coco puffs in WI! Or healthier and more filling anyway lol.

Saturday's WI brought me a 1 lb gain. I worked my ass off last week, granted only for three out of five days, but it was far more physical activity than I've done in a month! My body was tight, sore, aching, and my poor skin was stretched to pain because of water retention. My hands always tell me when I'm retaining water and last week it was mad crazy. Also, hubby said maybe that pound was residual from my time in Wisconsin. Could be! Oh well, over it, and going to kick some more ass this week and I WILL see a drop on the scale next Saturday! Oi...at like 4 am dude!

I have some goals now, after talking with Tammy, that I'd like to accomplish. The biggest being getting more physical activity in, regardless of my physical job. Because one day I will be a runner like Syl (http://www.livesmilerun.com/). I know you're looking at me like my pants are smokin...but really, I'll get there!

So to start I'm going to be doing level one of the Shred on the days I'm not working. I'm thinking of nudging Tammy into finding the vid so maybe during December we can have a Shred off! Every evening, well Monday through Friday anyway, I'd like to get in half an hour of pilates and half an hour of yoga. Last week when I was working I was quickly reminded of how much I need to stay limber. I could barely move, my muscles were sooooo tight in my legs!

This morning Jillian and I had a round, and it felt great to be back!

Not self conscious...til now...

The party was great last night. More like a little get together really, the party at Jess's place last year was a drunkfest with tons of people, this year not so much of either at her brother's place.

Tonester made out like a bandit, of course, as the little Iron Man. We still have candy left over. Crap. Tony and Hub are getting lots with their lunches!!!

I didn't drink a shit ton last night. The booze tasted different from my good ol' American booze. Had 1 3/4 of those creamsicle seagram's thingies. And a crusty jello shot lol. Seriously, it was in jello jiggler form so it had a creepy sort of texture.

Damn...why do I always burp up booze taste the next morning? Ew.

Well, promised some pics...deep breath...here they are...with only one body shot.

Doooooooooooooom!

Okay not so doomed. Here I was thinking...seriously...that I'd end up coming home 20-30 lbs heavier. The scale was nice to me. I only gained 5.2 lbs over the last three weeks. Don't ask me how, because I really don't deserve such a pretty number! Maybe it was all the alcohol that ate the food in my system to keep me from gaining it all back?

Here's a couple pics of good times!

Other than mama drama I had a great trip! I really did not want to leave at all. I missed Hubby....but home is home. He needs to move back home with me. I miss everyone already, and I hate tearful goodbyes. Of course I just couldn't avoid some of them. I always feel like a piece of me is missing when I leave. Ugh. I hate it.

Tonight we celebrate, Tony's trick or treating with Hubby, the little man is going as Iron Man. I have a party with girlfriend, of course we have to dress up. I found this cute little referee dress with knee socks and whistle to book. Pictures to come! If I don't look like a cow, of course. :P

Back to concrete not so heaven

Hey all! I've survived (though barely), these goodbyes are becoming harder and harder to withstand.

I've got oooodles of pics to upload to my facebook still (FB is being a cocksucker), and I plan on posting a few for y'all to enjoy as well! Tomorrow is my first WI since getting home...dun dun duuuuuuuuun. Yup. We'll see how that shit goes. I'll do up a blog with some pics and the doom that is my weight.

I'll also start reading and commenting again. I did peruse while gone, a bit when I had the time, but didn't comment too much. It's time to get myself back to the grind and I need each and every one of you to support as well has receive support from. I've found this whole blogging thing doesn't work for me if I don't give as much or more than I get.

Hope this finds everyone well!

Sabotage!

Ok now don't get me wrong, I've been eating like a pig in perpetual PMS mode, however, I knew that was coming.

Here's my thing...

My cousin is trying to lose weight. Or says she is trying. That she wants to. She wants a baby and thinks she needs to lose at minimum 40 lbs before her body becomes a less hostile environment. She has PCOS, her hubby had a reversal vasectomy, all kinds of fertility issues. Add being obese on her end, thyroid problems on his...it isn't a pretty picture.

Since I've gotten here I've almost felt like Jim gets defensive of Jenny because I've lost "so much" weight. He said they've tried EVERYTHING and nothing works. I said that maybe they didn't give it long enough...he said no, it's just that nothing works. Period.

Now, I've lived with these guys before. I know how they eat, what they eat, I get it. I was just like them once. They do not have good eating habits at all. Jim doesn't eat breakfast or lunch then pounds it back at dinner and through the night. Jenny swears Jim sabotages her, and you know what? He does. I've seen it. Now I know he just wants to make sure she's fed and happy, but she's thinking he's scared that if she gets all skinny she's going to leave him, because he doesn't think he deserves to be loved.

Either way, here are a few examples of sabotage.

Halloween's coming....I got here on the 8th...they've got three giant size bags of candy and a huge cauldron full as well already. Tell ya what, they'll have to get more before Halloween.

Jenny wanted a corndog for lunch, I wanted a couple tater tots, so Jim headed to the store to get the supplies and came back with that and tons more. Including two containers of donut holes....for breakfast. One is nearly gone.

He asked how many corn dogs we wanted...I said one, he brought me two. So of course I ate them. Then he brings out the tater tots and scooped me some, asked if I wanted more, I said no he'd given me way more than enough, so he tossed another scoop on. Yup. Cuz that's what I wanted right. I didn't finish them to say the least.

I'm sure I'm going home 30 lbs heavier. No really, cuz that's how Wisconsonites roll. Tell ya what, this won't be happening again.

I went to the gym yesterday with a girlfriend, after our hour workout we walked across the street to the bar. Yup. We're going to the gym tomorrow too.

Oi...I'm in trouble y'all. I'm going to need some major support when I get home because as easy as I KNOW it will be to get back to normal eating (I'm already greased out), I'm going to be way more hungry than normal.

Week One

Today marks one week back home in Wisconsin. I'm almost positive I've gained 10 lbs already. I have two more weeks here! The biggest problem I have is the food here is so good, no really, Wisconsin cheese, Funyuns, Coco Puffs, Easy Cheese and crackers. Deep fried tasty deliciousness. You have no idea. It's not even just the food, it's the fact that it's there man. Just there, so accessible. I'm not eating because I'm hungry, I'm eating because it's there. How sick is that shit? I keep telling myself that I need to get my shit together and calm my eating down or I really will destroy everything I've done.

Honestly though, I don't really feel that bad. I know that the minute I land in Edmonton it's going to be over. I know the way I eat at home isn't going to change so all this crap I'm gaining here is going to melt off, but it's still a very very bad step back. I should feel guilty, I should feel stupid and horrible. I don't. How wrong does that make me?

I haven't taken a picture yet. Not one! I want to get my son and nephew together at a couple parks and the pumpkin patch for pics. I think I'll be taking some of my crew at the bar this weekend. Maybe I'll get a nice pic of my sexy Harley boots for Tammy!

Hope you're all well

If I seem like I disappeared...

For those of you that care, I truly do apologize. I don't even really know where my head is at the moment. Currently I'm trying to remember everything I need to have packed for my trip to WI on Thursday. Damn just remembered my birth control!

So I'm going to be pretty invisible until I settle in at the house in WI. I'm figuring earliest would be Friday. I'll attempt to get on here before then and try and read and comment, but I'm tellin ya now, chances are I will be missing TONS of blogs out there, sorry guys!

Until then, I'll leave you with a few of my favorite pics from the awesomeness that was my weekend in the mountains!

You can't see one, and these than you can are uber blurry, but it's hard to catch elk on the cam at 6 am when it's still dark! These ladies were sitting right outside our room!

I may be layered in long johns, a waffle shirt, hoodie, jeans, etc...but yup, still fat. Le sigh.