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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Arachno-fucker!

First off I must say I think I was a bit zealous, and not totally clear, about my exercise intentions. I discovered yesterday that there's no way in hell I'd be able to do a workout Tuesday nights and be up for 5 am on Wednesday. Reason being I have meetings that run until usually 9:30-10 ish pm. Now I know some of you are hardcore like that and will still do it, I however need wind down time after a work out to be able to sleep, and only after a low intensity workout. So there's all that, also Saturday and Sunday are my days off. I need days off. Next month when Tammy and I do our Shred off (ps if any of you would like to join just drop me an e-mail!!!) I will be working out the Shred only on the weekends, but this normally no way. My body needs to repair, those are my days.

On to the arachno-fucker!

Yesterday at work I encountered many of the evil bastards. The first one was easily destroyed, the second was the size of a hippo and had fangs bigger than Texas. I swear the fucker hissed at me! So I grabbed the broom and ninja swept his ginormous ass into a hole in the floor! Yeah! I was feelin pretty good until his rhino sized partner in crime crept up on me. Eyes glowing bright red, legs dancing and ready to spear me in the heart. I screamed and my wonderful hubby told me to suck it up. Which immediately earned him a death glare. My death rays must not be working because he completely ignored me, the bastard. So with the aid of the same spidey killing broom I swept his ass out from the corner and stomped him. I saw blood squirt everywhere but still felt the fucker crawling on me...which called for a well deserved cigarette!

Another of the fuckers came running toward me, front legs raised, ready to attack, so I stomped his ass too. One smaller one, I'd say the size of a gator, I was able to work around...very very carefully...but we laid out boundaries. I told him he was to stay in his corner and I'd stay in mine...and then he disappeared and I got the heebie jeebies.

Then I hear my husband. My sweet, wonderful, loving, dear husband. He yelled out something to me that I was unable to hear as the radio was nicely cranked. I said what? He yelled again...huh? Then he's behind me and he says, very loudly, "You should see the size of this spider!" I turn around and in his hands are 40 flying legs and giant bulgy eyes and fangs and disgustingness. I screamed, nearly threw my tape measure at hime (I regret not doing it) and ran. The ass hat laughed. A lot. The spider was a tree seed. Like poplar fuzz type shit.

I think I'll file this for reasons to divorce! Ha!

10 comments:

Carlos said...

lol too funny

big_mummy said...

with all those creepy pets your scared of spiders????

Candice said...

I'd say it's time to buy a new house. Seriously, that would have taken a whole case of raid around my house, and it would require one hefty ass hotel bill because I wouldn't return home until the were taken care of.

spunkysuzi said...

You've given me enough visuals for one day :)

Syl said...

OMG, thank you for the laugh, I didn't mean to laugh, it just happened!

TC said...

Ha ha! Loved the spider story...even better the second time around! :) I think Ian should definitely be on notice for shit like that. Smartypants or no. :P

F. McButter Pants said...

ok that is seriously FUNNY!

I needed a good laugh......thanks

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Divorce? Try murder.

No court would convict you...

Camevil said...

I would laugh. Except spiders are really effin scary. *shudders*

wildfluffysheep said...

ok. you seriously just made me snort out loud. HILARIOUS. but snorting is not sexy. glad i am alone!

spiders are fucking scary. i think that is grounds for divorce! how wicked...

lmao @ jack sh*ts comment.