Saturday, November 28, 2009

The definition of insanity...

Is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Something's gotta change. So I lost a little this week, big deal, I'm still five pounds heavier than I was at one point in my journey and this is soooo not where I want to be right now. Thanks to a few fellow bloggers I've decided that my journey is no longer about weight loss, but also about learning to love myself.

It's so often that I look in the mirror, or look down at myself, and feel nothing but hatred and shame. The last time I remember looking at myself and being ok with who I was and what I looked like I was seventeen years old. That was a long ass time ago. After nearly ten years of falling back into the black hole of doom and spouting venom and toxicity at myself I find that mentally and emotionally I just can no longer take the self abuse. It's not right, so today is the day that I begin another life changing journey, the one that will hopefully take my self hate and turn it into...if not love then an appreciation of what and who I am.

The first step is blogging more often. It doesn't seem like much, but when I feel I have nothing to say, nothing positive, nothing negative, just...nothing, then I don't say anything at all. I don't know that I can promise any amount of blogs, but I know I need to do it far more often. It can be very therapeutic.

The next is posting pictures. Pictures of good things, of bad, of anything. I've seen some body love pics, and I sooo envy the women that have done that. Maybe I can get some courage up to do something similar myself. I'd like to post pictures of certain things on my body that I do love. But one at a time. Progress pictures are a must!

Another thing I need to do is go shopping. I know, haha, I'm a woman and women feel the need to shop. It isn't that. I'm still hiding in my clothing. When I was in Wisconsin my cousin told me that she feels like since I've lost weight I'm hiding my body more than ever. What's with that?! Shouldn't I be proud and happy to show myself off? I'm not though. I'm not done yet, I'm not ready to reveal. But I've also discovered that in hiding my body now, I don't appreciate how far I've come or the changes that should be quite visible. It's time to come out of my shell and stop dressing like I did at 285 lbs.

So with all that being said I'm going to make these changes. Whenever I have some quiet time I WILL blog. Whenever I see something that I like, I will post pictures. When I see something I don't like, I'll find something about it that is better than before, and then post a picture of that. I'm going to make these changes, I'm going to learn. It may take me a while...but I'll get there.


Fat Daddy said...

Good for you Amber! I look forward to hearing from you more. And the pics too.

And damn girl, a loss is a loss. No use thinking about ground given up. All you can do is build from where you are.

I like your new approach.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin Fit said...

I big-time heart this post, Amber. I sense determination and steel in your words.

Blogging more often has been one of my recipes for success. Even when I'm not talking about my weight-loss journey per se, it keeps what I'm doing bubbling on the front burner.

You can do this, and I look forward to being along for the ride.

Tricia said...

I'm loving the positive attitude!

Valerie Roberson said...

Love it-especially the self-love part. What a tough thing to change though *sigh*
I think you have an awesome plan chicky!!

Anonymous said...

It does take time to change our minds, but its WORTH it and you know it :)
I know what you mean about losing weight and showing less. I, too, have become more and more self conscious of some things - even though I feel better and feel I look better, I've become more paranoid of my upper arms and any sort of cleavage showing - the potential for attention frightens me.
Keep working at it and make it just as important as anything else in your life - if not more so because that positivity will trickle down and touch all other parts of your life and that's def a good thing :)

wildfluffysheep said...

you are so right.
yes. love yourself. that is what i am saying this week. <3 i love ya!

i don't remember ever being ok with myself.
yes yes yes more blogging. i went away for a week and it did not help one bit.

more pictures please!

<3 i like it.