Monday, June 16, 2008

Bad Day

As of this moment Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" is lyrically running through my mind. I can't quite explain this bad day. Okay maybe I can. What I can't explain is why I'm letting it get me down as much as it is. Part of it is WW, part is financial issues.

As for WW, I don't mean I'm not happy with WW, but I'm not happy with myself right now as far as following plan. It's not like I'm completely overdoing it, but especially lately I've found myself going "oh it's just two points into my FP it'll be fine". But it isn't fine. I can't manage to stay completely OP and not go over my allotted daily points. I know the FP are there for a reason but that doesn't make me feel any better. Add to the fact that I haven't been able to motivate myself enough to actually exercise and get those happy endorphins flowing....and now I feel like a complete failure. The whole idea of not making my goal for the 19th of July is really throwing me off and completely screwing with my head. I'm not giving up, I'm still tracking everything and trying (for the most part) to stay at my daily points. I'm just not wanting to do any more than I have to. And THAT my friends is bullshit. It makes me angry with myself. But I don't know how to take that anger and use it to light a fire under my ass to move.

On to our financial woes. We have decided we want to save up $3000 for our trip. To cover gas, hotel, food, etc. So far we have....a couple hundred. My last cheque I said that's enough. From here on out I'm taking my full pay and putting it aside for this trip. Well my husband has been left without houses to work on (he's a subcontractor, puts up frostwalls in basements) and no houses = no monies. No monies = sad Amber. I can't use this coming cheque for the trip because I need to make sure we have food on the table and gas in the vehicles for the next two weeks. This also means that being the responsible one I've pushed my eye appt back again, for the fourth time now I'm sure and I also had to push my nail appt back. People look at me like I'm selfish and stupid for even keeping a nail appt when we're this broke....but in five weeks I will have the money for it. And it's the only thing I do for myself on a regular basis. I give my hubby whatever he wants that I can give him, and our son is unbelievably spoiled. I put off giving myself clothes when I need them because my son and husband need them more. I get my hair cut once every 8 months or more. Hair dye? Probably once a year professionally and only when I get down to my cousin's in Wisconsin because she'll only charge me cost. After that I'm on my own with bottle dye. My nails are thus the only thing I feel good about when it comes to my 'self'. My 'self' being all of me. Call it selfish or eccentric. I don't care. I'm not giving it up. I don't even like putting it off for an extra month.

If any of you have any advice...please please please help me. I can't do any better on my own. All I can do is keep going as I am. For now, I'm taking this bad day as a grain of salt and taking my son to the park.