Shred Eve

So I did some Shred this morning to prep for my next 30 days and Shredding with Tammy and Co.

After I was done getting the kidlet up and started putting some grapes into a bowl to wash for breakfast, I nearly hit the ground. Yup, everything turned a hazy black. So I had to sit down and felt really odd for the rest of the day, until I ate more substantial food. Maybe that's a hint?

Tonester lost another tooth yesterday, my baby's gettin so big!

I'd show you some lovey type pic, however my hubby's got necropsy pics on the camera and I just refuse to upload those. He needs to take care of it tonight though because I need to get a progress pic up tomorrow.

Oh and Tammy...in less than twelve hours IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

The definition of insanity...

Is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Something's gotta change. So I lost a little this week, big deal, I'm still five pounds heavier than I was at one point in my journey and this is soooo not where I want to be right now. Thanks to a few fellow bloggers I've decided that my journey is no longer about weight loss, but also about learning to love myself.

It's so often that I look in the mirror, or look down at myself, and feel nothing but hatred and shame. The last time I remember looking at myself and being ok with who I was and what I looked like I was seventeen years old. That was a long ass time ago. After nearly ten years of falling back into the black hole of doom and spouting venom and toxicity at myself I find that mentally and emotionally I just can no longer take the self abuse. It's not right, so today is the day that I begin another life changing journey, the one that will hopefully take my self hate and turn it into...if not love then an appreciation of what and who I am.

The first step is blogging more often. It doesn't seem like much, but when I feel I have nothing to say, nothing positive, nothing negative, just...nothing, then I don't say anything at all. I don't know that I can promise any amount of blogs, but I know I need to do it far more often. It can be very therapeutic.

The next is posting pictures. Pictures of good things, of bad, of anything. I've seen some body love pics, and I sooo envy the women that have done that. Maybe I can get some courage up to do something similar myself. I'd like to post pictures of certain things on my body that I do love. But one at a time. Progress pictures are a must!

Another thing I need to do is go shopping. I know, haha, I'm a woman and women feel the need to shop. It isn't that. I'm still hiding in my clothing. When I was in Wisconsin my cousin told me that she feels like since I've lost weight I'm hiding my body more than ever. What's with that?! Shouldn't I be proud and happy to show myself off? I'm not though. I'm not done yet, I'm not ready to reveal. But I've also discovered that in hiding my body now, I don't appreciate how far I've come or the changes that should be quite visible. It's time to come out of my shell and stop dressing like I did at 285 lbs.

So with all that being said I'm going to make these changes. Whenever I have some quiet time I WILL blog. Whenever I see something that I like, I will post pictures. When I see something I don't like, I'll find something about it that is better than before, and then post a picture of that. I'm going to make these changes, I'm going to learn. It may take me a while...but I'll get there.

Down

2.8, blog to come tonight as soon as I have some delish quiet time!!!

Funny isn't it?

How quickly something happens and as insignificant it may seem it can damage any pride and progress you may have made.

Last night hubby was especially cranky. He had a few rounds at me that normally I would have jumped at the chance to fight back, we all know my temper, but somehow had me so stumped and hurt that I just couldn't. You see I didn't know then, nor do I know now, what it was that caused his toddler sized fits.

Then this morning I woke up in a mound of pain and just utterly feeling like shite that I decided I needed a sick day. I felt that maybe it were better if I didn't go to work with Ian, even moreso when I discovered TOM had made an early appearance and decided to kill me with cramps. Oh yeah, TMI, I don't give no shit. I'm a woman, it's just the way it goes.

I tried to stay in bed and just keep resting while I could as I knew that hubby knew I was staying home, but he refused to get out of bed and get my kidlet fed and ready for school so, as there's no rest for the wicked, I was up and taking care of business as usual. It kept crossing my mind that I should really get my Shred in, but I couldn't find the motivation. I'd even thought, hey I know I feel like shit but I should clean the house. It was the perfect opportunity. I got the whole day to myself so why not take advantage right? Right. I stayed in my jammers until an hour before I had to pick Tony up from school.

Today I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I know 80 percent of this is hormone-ays talking...but just for today, I lost.

I know tomorrow is a new day, I know tomorrow I can start over, but if I'm this loser-ish now, what's going to happen in December when Tammy and I do our Shred off? Will I flake all losery then too?

Fuckin fuck.

'Merican Thanksgiving!

Hey all, down 0.8 this week. Not great, but definitely not the slap in the face of the 1 lb gain and the 0.2 loss of the past couple weeks.

Tonight my in laws are holding an American Thanksgiving dinner for me, how sweet is that?! Generally I find myself missing both so a few years ago I started having one for American Thanksgiving. I only indulged in Turkey once a year, and I love turkey. I made sure I had my damn Turkey! Ha!

I'm looking forward to tonight's dinner, although it'd never compare to my mom's or even my own. Canadians cook so differently!

Hope this finds everyone well :)

Not so happy hump day

It's a new record my friends. I think I was all happy go lucky for two freakin days.

Last night, yeah yeah I'm one of those, I stepped on the scale and saw 217. I seriously almost started crying. Stepped on this morning and saw 215, and then I got angry. Big surprise right. I swear if that fucking scale had a face I'd punch it right in its nose.

I'm finally getting more work in as Ian's caught up, and I've been working my ass off with my workouts. Shredding every morning then pilates at night, with the exception of Tuesdays. It's shit like the stupid vaginaface scale that keeps me from enjoying working out. How the fuck are those numbers going up? How is it that I can barely move my ass from the fucking couch and drop 1-2 lbs a week? Before I left for WI I was down to 205. What the fucking fuck?!

Today is a bad bad day....bad day.

Monday

Good morning lovelies!

This morning I hit the snooze on my phone for an hour, crawled out at 6 am, ran downstairs and hit up Jillian for some early morning lovin, then got the kidlet out of bed and fed while I showered. Had him to school for twenty after seven.

It's quarter after eight and now I have to get my ass in gear to eat. Seriously.

Today marks a new day my friends. Today begins the Monday-Friday Shred. Wish me luck!

meh

down 0.2.

I guess it's a start. And at least it isn't a gain.

Kind of a slap in the face though.

Fucking scale.

It was better

Tammy advised I have hubby take the evil bag of bite size butterfingers and put them out of sight. And then move on. Done and done.

Now my problem is that I'm a daily scale peeker. And I know my bit o' binge would not have fucked me that much this week. However my numbers on the scale are still up. If not higher. I am not looking forward to WI tomorrow.

People keep telling me to take a breath, when you first start exercising blah blah blah. Here's the deal, I'm taking measurements tomorrow soon. If I don't see a drop in the scale in the next couple weeks I'm going to go spastic.

Today sucks

I'm a bad partner in crime.

My body is rejecting me.

Tomorrow I shred. And stay away from the butterfingers. And drink water and sleep properly.

Tomorrow will be better.

Arachno-fucker!

First off I must say I think I was a bit zealous, and not totally clear, about my exercise intentions. I discovered yesterday that there's no way in hell I'd be able to do a workout Tuesday nights and be up for 5 am on Wednesday. Reason being I have meetings that run until usually 9:30-10 ish pm. Now I know some of you are hardcore like that and will still do it, I however need wind down time after a work out to be able to sleep, and only after a low intensity workout. So there's all that, also Saturday and Sunday are my days off. I need days off. Next month when Tammy and I do our Shred off (ps if any of you would like to join just drop me an e-mail!!!) I will be working out the Shred only on the weekends, but this normally no way. My body needs to repair, those are my days.

On to the arachno-fucker!

Yesterday at work I encountered many of the evil bastards. The first one was easily destroyed, the second was the size of a hippo and had fangs bigger than Texas. I swear the fucker hissed at me! So I grabbed the broom and ninja swept his ginormous ass into a hole in the floor! Yeah! I was feelin pretty good until his rhino sized partner in crime crept up on me. Eyes glowing bright red, legs dancing and ready to spear me in the heart. I screamed and my wonderful hubby told me to suck it up. Which immediately earned him a death glare. My death rays must not be working because he completely ignored me, the bastard. So with the aid of the same spidey killing broom I swept his ass out from the corner and stomped him. I saw blood squirt everywhere but still felt the fucker crawling on me...which called for a well deserved cigarette!

Another of the fuckers came running toward me, front legs raised, ready to attack, so I stomped his ass too. One smaller one, I'd say the size of a gator, I was able to work around...very very carefully...but we laid out boundaries. I told him he was to stay in his corner and I'd stay in mine...and then he disappeared and I got the heebie jeebies.

Then I hear my husband. My sweet, wonderful, loving, dear husband. He yelled out something to me that I was unable to hear as the radio was nicely cranked. I said what? He yelled again...huh? Then he's behind me and he says, very loudly, "You should see the size of this spider!" I turn around and in his hands are 40 flying legs and giant bulgy eyes and fangs and disgustingness. I screamed, nearly threw my tape measure at hime (I regret not doing it) and ran. The ass hat laughed. A lot. The spider was a tree seed. Like poplar fuzz type shit.

I think I'll file this for reasons to divorce! Ha!

I promise that I'll leave you satisfied!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoqtbEhYIV0

And I will! I've been diggin on this Social Code song since it was released. LOVE IT! And I sure hope the embed code works....

So I've been gettin my ass back on track for the past few days. Last week was a hard one. It usually is after getting back from home, every year it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to the ones that I love so much. The past few days though I've gotten myself a wicked awesome WL partner in crime (http://tammys-tale.blogspot.com/), she's already giving me what for and keeping me straight. Just knowing she's there and working toward the same goal is enough. Almost nightly chats about anything and everything...yup...I'm so glad I asked for her help!

I went and did a grocery run on Saturday and LOADED up on fruits, veggies, and all things healthy. Finally some good food in the house! Bye bye poor girl hamburger helper! Last night was some spaghetti, I don't know how to make a good sauce base so I just grabbed a jar of healthy choice then cut up a red pepper, green pepper, yellow pepper, orange pepper, mushrooms, carrots, and zuchinni. Yum! I think all the crap has finally left my body because good lord am I craving the good for you stuff!

Yesterday's breakfast was a fresh fruit salad; 1/2 pear, 1/2 apple, 1/2 banana, and a 1/2 cup of grapes with some light whip...and a whole wheat english muffin. Gotta have my carbs in the morning, I can't help myself! This breakfast is sooooo much better than the coco puffs in WI! Or healthier and more filling anyway lol.

Saturday's WI brought me a 1 lb gain. I worked my ass off last week, granted only for three out of five days, but it was far more physical activity than I've done in a month! My body was tight, sore, aching, and my poor skin was stretched to pain because of water retention. My hands always tell me when I'm retaining water and last week it was mad crazy. Also, hubby said maybe that pound was residual from my time in Wisconsin. Could be! Oh well, over it, and going to kick some more ass this week and I WILL see a drop on the scale next Saturday! Oi...at like 4 am dude!

I have some goals now, after talking with Tammy, that I'd like to accomplish. The biggest being getting more physical activity in, regardless of my physical job. Because one day I will be a runner like Syl (http://www.livesmilerun.com/). I know you're looking at me like my pants are smokin...but really, I'll get there!

So to start I'm going to be doing level one of the Shred on the days I'm not working. I'm thinking of nudging Tammy into finding the vid so maybe during December we can have a Shred off! Every evening, well Monday through Friday anyway, I'd like to get in half an hour of pilates and half an hour of yoga. Last week when I was working I was quickly reminded of how much I need to stay limber. I could barely move, my muscles were sooooo tight in my legs!

This morning Jillian and I had a round, and it felt great to be back!

Not self conscious...til now...

The party was great last night. More like a little get together really, the party at Jess's place last year was a drunkfest with tons of people, this year not so much of either at her brother's place.

Tonester made out like a bandit, of course, as the little Iron Man. We still have candy left over. Crap. Tony and Hub are getting lots with their lunches!!!

I didn't drink a shit ton last night. The booze tasted different from my good ol' American booze. Had 1 3/4 of those creamsicle seagram's thingies. And a crusty jello shot lol. Seriously, it was in jello jiggler form so it had a creepy sort of texture.

Damn...why do I always burp up booze taste the next morning? Ew.

Well, promised some pics...deep breath...here they are...with only one body shot.