Saturday, April 25, 2009

Rollercoaster... I have RHCP's 'Rollercoaster of Love'...I'm so not diggin it.

Last night I melted down. Completely. Like body vibrating sobs. I've had enough. Of course I was s-m-r-t smart and stepped on the scale before crawling into bed. The number I saw made me so angry, so sad, so hateful...disgusted, scared, and damn it, I feel like a failure. A big, fat, disgusting blob of a failure.

As I sobbed to the hubby I told him that if I don't see a loss in at least inches today then I'm done. I'm tossing in the white flag and saying fine, fuck it, I CAN NOT DO IT! Is it really worth it if it takes me six fucking months to lose 10 lbs? Really? He said yes, I don't know if I agree with him but...whatever.

So this morning back on the scale for the official WI. Up 0.6lbs. Well, at least it wasn't the 3.5 I was fearing last night. Measurements showed a 2 inch loss in a month. I don't know, is that good? Is it worth it? Fuck man. I'm at a point, the first time I'm pretty sure since I started WW, that I'm really truly ready to throw in the towel and say fuck it. I can't fucking do this roller coaster anymore. Down one week up the next. One step forward, two steps back. I told Dina in an e-mail, I think I'm delving into virgin fat now. Does that make a difference? I don't know. But it sure as hell feels like I'm never going to see a number below 200, much less my goal. And I wonder now, is my goal even realistic? For me? I don't think my body wants to let go of the weight, no matter how much I do.

When I was talking to DH he got on me about tracking. I haven't been. What I've been doing is barely eating. Maybe I'm not eating enough? Fuck I don't know. I find the whole "not eating enough" thing hard to believe but....whatever. Back to tracking. Everything.

So how long do I give it? Another month? Six months? Year, two years? How long do I keep pushing myself before I give in? Emotionally...fuck I don't know how much more I can handle before I really lose it.

Hope your Saturday morning's better than mine.


M said...

Im sorry youre struggling, that blows. I am not gonna even tell you to quit weighing yourself but you should have an official weigh in day where you only count THAT days weight.

I have sooo much to say but I think I'll put it in an email. Keep up the good work anyways.

Dina said...

Is it worth it? Only you can really answer that. Am I ready to give the fuck up, and I am really sick of this shit? Yes. I am sick of it enough to be willing to gain weight back? Nope. I guess it all comes down to that. With that said though, you are losing inches. I'm betting your clothes feel better. You're getting stronger. Don't let the scale rule you (yes I am a big ass hypocrite, try to ignore that for five minutes).

Carlos said...

do it until it's done.

Natasha said...

2 inches in a month is great. Keep in mind that you've had a bit of a rough month. Stress can wreak havoc on your weight, so don't give up if this is something that you really want. I think it might be useful to re-evaluate why you are doing this in the first place. If it's for you, then keep going. If it's not, then don't. Ultimately, what's going to make you happy?

wildfluffysheep said...

The scale is not always our friend my lovely, I know that all too well but those inches show something is working *hugs* I know I've come late but I hope you're back on to tracking and feeling more positive :D It makes me sad to hear that you're feeling that way :(

Chin up, you can do it!

F. McButter Pants said...

I loved Carlos's comment...Till it's done! EAT for crying out loud! Maybe if you track you will eat more, and then maybe it won't seem so hard. Give yourself a break!