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Sunday, April 12, 2009

discouraged

I went through some old pics today. Really old pics. I remember the days they were taken, I remember telling myself that I was a big girl but I was still beautiful. I look at them now, so many pounds later, and ask myself what the hell was I thinking? How could I ever have led myself to believe that shit? And that's what it is...total bullshit.

My biggest fear is that I look at those pictures and I look at me now, and I don't see a difference. I don't! In my eyes nothing has changed. I'm still that morbidly obese girl. I'm terrified that once I hit my goal weight I'm still not going to see a change. What then? In junior high and high school I dabbled with anorexia, the whole point of me joining WW is that I didn't want to get unhealthy in my journey. What happens when I'm at a healthy weight and still see this roly poly fat girl in the mirror? Is that the point that I find myself no longer dabbling with anorexia but fall fully into the black hole? How do I get out of this mindset?

I'll admit, this attempt at weight loss isn't purely health revolved. There's a touch of vanity to it as well. I would like to be able to look in the mirror one day and smile, truly smile, because I'm beautiful. I'd like to go back to those small towns that tortured me when I was a kid, as a person nearly half the weight of what I was, and tell those fuckers to go to hell.

It's been a little over a year since I started WW. Since I started I've lost 61 lbs, and a total of 28 inches. I've rediscovered a love of movement and have ventured outside for pleasure again, rather than necessity. However, I feel it isn't enough. I feel like I'm a big fat failure. I see all these other people, absolute inspirations, that have lost 100+ lbs in the same amount of time, and I feel lost. Why can't I be that dedicated and strict? Does it mean that I'm not dedicated at all because this is all I've lost?

My screen name on MSN for the time being is Bipolar Betty...this week I'm truly feelin it.

I hope this post finds you all well, happy, healthy, and secure in everything you do.

9 comments:

Tony said...

Weight loss isn't some sort of competition, it's about changing the quality of your own life. 60 pounds is a lot of weight to lose, and you should be proud of your accomplishment.

Carlos said...

hang in there this mental shit is the toughest part. you've done such good work.

Monica said...

You havent had an easy couple of weeks, thats for sure. I say this week you go and you pamper yourself! And then send me a pic when youre done so I can use it as motivation :)~

Ida said...

It sounds to me like your problems are much greater than just weight. You need to learn to love yourself before any weight loss or other change you make will be long term. Perhaps you need some professional help to get to where you need to be. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Dina said...

Yeah, hang in there, and you're doing great! Lol about your screenname :)

wildfluffysheep said...

Well hello bipolar Betty! :D

*hugs* I have totally been there. That is a hard mindset to break from. I think everyone losing weight has little bit of vainess in doing it as well as to be healthy. I know I do.

61 pounds is an awesome figure.Don't lose sight of that missus.

Natasha said...

I am excited that you ordered the DVD. Let me know what you think!

Carleen said...

dealing with perception issues is tough....hang in there- stay positive and keep lots of re-inforcements around (old pants, pictures etc) you can do this and we are all rootin for ya!!!

On the running note- it was tough- I used to just take my dog to the park and let her run, then I started walking her around the theblock and then finally started running between driveways or streetlight posts...then downloaded the sun run training program --- http://www2.canada.com/vancouversun/sunrun/pdf/learntorun10k%20program.pdf

drop me a e-mail for more info if you like
carleen.mc@gmail.com

*hugs*

syl said...

I stumbled across your blog and your words brought me great pain, it was like I was writing them. I too am struggling through the same thing. I have lost, I am trying on stuff I never thought I would wear and all I see is the fat girl in the mirror.

I am slowly starting to work through this, I find it easier to look at pictures that in the mirror.

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone and that some days are bad and some days are good but the weight loss journey has to be the hardest one out there!

You have done fantasic and I wish you continued success. 60 pounds is something to be REALLY proud of, keep up the great work!