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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Not weight loss related....but read on if you like.

I'm hoping that maybe if I just write out exactly what I feel then maybe some of it will go away. I've talked to so many people and have gotten so much support and yet, I just don't feel like I can shed this thing that's hanging over me. I don't know how to explain it any other way than...lost. I feel so lost.

This friend, we'll call him M, the one that was injecting hydyromorph contin into himself in my bathroom three times daily (how could I be so blind?), I thought was real you know? I'd only asked a couple things of him, never bring drugs into my home (not even something as tame as pot), never lie to me, and never hurt me. I didn't find it too much to ask. Not in the least. It's all a matter of respect, trust, honesty; all that shit that goes along with being a "best" friend.

M and I have been friends for a few years now, I refused to listen to his bullshit and called him on any lies in the beginning because I knew he was trying to bullshit for a reason. He needed someone to call him out, I did it. I never judged him, human and mistake making as he was, because who the hell am I to judge? I supported him, defended him....I trusted him.

Recently M and his ex have started divorce/custody proceedings. He's been hit rather hard by this and his uncle killed himself only last month. I have stood by, again defending, supporting, and trusting him. For the last little while all I've really had time for, other than my son, was him. I'd even gone so far as putting my marital problems on the backburner because he needed me. Night and day we'd text, call, hop on MSN and chat. We were each other's life line.

Friday morning when I finally woke up to what he was doing, where he was doing it, and how much he'd endangered my son, myself, my husband, my pets...he'd severed any kind of trust I had for him and may ever have for him again. He hurt me to a point that feels beyond repair. I feel like I've been grieving for him for almost three days now, I've certainly gone through every stage. I feel like someone killed my best friend, and it was him that did it. Does that make sense? He didn't kill himself, but this guy, this junkied out M, killed the M that I knew and loved so dearly. And I hate him for it.

Here's where the lost comes in. He'd kept texting me up until last night. They didn't have any beds open at the rehab center until this morning, and even though I was hard as hell on him and refused to listen to his excuses and lies he kept texting me. There was one particular lie that I had called him on, I can't get into it, but I called him on it...and that was it. That was when the silence started.

What do you do with that silence? How do you deal with it? Night and day he was always there, only a text or a phone call away. 99% of me hates him almost more than humanly possible...1% of me is so utterly lost without him. The silence causes me to think, thinking only causes more hurt. I'm so sick of hurting over him. Is he even worth it after what he did? Why can't I make this pain go away?

One friend said something to me yesterday that instantly brought tears to my eyes. I'd asked him why I couldn't just let him go, J said "The junkie brought you something you hadn't experienced before. Congrats, now you're a junkie too." Ouch right. Is it true? I don't know. All I know is I'm so lost. I haven't felt this alone in....so long. I'm reaching out to every friend I have and for the most part they've all been amazing...but they all have lives. Can't fault them, you know? They're too busy to deal with me and my drama. And that's ok. I don't expect people to drop what they're doing and run to me.

I just don't know what to do with all this silence.

5 comments:

May said...

You have no idea how much I know what you are going through. The pain will eventually make you numb, but you will always miss the way he was...that is a void that can never be filled. My friends have lives too and they hated my "M" so I learned to journal and even exercise it to help me.

And as bad as he was for me...some part of me still misses him. I have no ill will for him but I get pissed at the way our friendship ended, like, Hey, dont I deserve more than this?

If you wanna talk more, email me at plus_sized_confessions@yahoo.com

wildfluffysheep said...

Awwww *enormous squishy teletubby hugs* It really is huge positive step in the right direction, blogging it out. It sure beats keeping it and letting it fester. I've never had a friend that betrayed my friendship with drugs like this but I have had some friends who have been abusive in other ways and although it hurts its best to move on and not be trapped by their negative actions.

It sounds like you did pretty much all you could to help him out which is a great thing but you can't help some one who won't help themselves. It will be extra tough to let him go because you're so close and like your friend said you've become dependant on him. Like a junkie.

Chin up, missus. We, your blogger friends, are here to listen. I hope you feel better about things soon. x

Dina said...

Sounds like you really put your heart and soul into your friendship with him, and he kind of shit on that. I know the drugs are clouding his actions, blah blah blah, but ouch. Sorry you are going through all this. He will eventually realize what he did some day.

Carlos said...

so sorry this happened but he needs to be out of your life.

Aimee said...

cutting ties with someone is always hard...i'm sorry you're feeling all of the pain. i hope you find a way to make yourself feel okay with your decision.

xoxo to you.