A whole lot of eatin goin on!

Okay so I've been shredding every day except for my normal days off (Saturday and Sunday) and then I took today off because honestly...just didn't want to do it. Oh well. It's on me right? Anyway, I've been noticing that when I do work out I'm sooooo much hungrier during the day, what the fuck's with that?!

I've been eating loads and lots of garbage on top of that. Empty calories galore! So I've gotta get control of this, since I've started ebbing in the weight loss department and my stress and emotional levels have risen (wl ebbing being the first to happen) I've been eating like shit. Barely keeping myself maintained. It's time to jump things up a bit. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be gaining again this week, not only because of the crap I've been eating but also because of the shredding. Seriously, I haven't worked strength type workouts in eons. So I've gotta be building muscle, and that's going to show a gain, right? Oh well. I'll have to suck it up and move on.

For the next while I'll be staying away from the empty calories. No more frozen yogurt, no more baked chips, nothing that doesn't have some kind of nutritional benefit. If I don't end up losing the weight...well I don't know. The positive part of me wants to say oh well, at least I'll be healthier, the negative and more vocal part of me will say fuck it and eat the damned chips.

Let's just see how this shit rolls out...

Rollercoaster...

Man...now I have RHCP's 'Rollercoaster of Love'...I'm so not diggin it.

Last night I melted down. Completely. Like body vibrating sobs. I've had enough. Of course I was s-m-r-t smart and stepped on the scale before crawling into bed. The number I saw made me so angry, so sad, so hateful...disgusted, scared, and damn it, I feel like a failure. A big, fat, disgusting blob of a failure.

As I sobbed to the hubby I told him that if I don't see a loss in at least inches today then I'm done. I'm tossing in the white flag and saying fine, fuck it, I CAN NOT DO IT! Is it really worth it if it takes me six fucking months to lose 10 lbs? Really? He said yes, I don't know if I agree with him but...whatever.

So this morning back on the scale for the official WI. Up 0.6lbs. Well, at least it wasn't the 3.5 I was fearing last night. Measurements showed a 2 inch loss in a month. I don't know, is that good? Is it worth it? Fuck man. I'm at a point, the first time I'm pretty sure since I started WW, that I'm really truly ready to throw in the towel and say fuck it. I can't fucking do this roller coaster anymore. Down one week up the next. One step forward, two steps back. I told Dina in an e-mail, I think I'm delving into virgin fat now. Does that make a difference? I don't know. But it sure as hell feels like I'm never going to see a number below 200, much less my goal. And I wonder now, is my goal even realistic? For me? I don't think my body wants to let go of the weight, no matter how much I do.

When I was talking to DH he got on me about tracking. I haven't been. What I've been doing is barely eating. Maybe I'm not eating enough? Fuck I don't know. I find the whole "not eating enough" thing hard to believe but....whatever. Back to tracking. Everything.

So how long do I give it? Another month? Six months? Year, two years? How long do I keep pushing myself before I give in? Emotionally...fuck I don't know how much more I can handle before I really lose it.

Hope your Saturday morning's better than mine.

Support

Thank you, all of you, for your awesome support and encouragement! Times like today I really really need it.

I gotta ask though, how much freakin water weight can my body retain?! Ugh...stupid water. I hope it's just water anyway!

Day 1 of 30 Day Shred down...and I'll tell ya that Jillian Michaels is one crazy bitch. But I like it. So it's all good.

Tantrum comin on...

I feel like belting out a good ol' WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK! and breaking shit. No really.

With everything that I've been dealing with the past few weeks I really just want to break shit, or hit someone. One someone in particular but....yeah.

Well I've turned into a bit of a scale obssessor. On the scale night and day. Literally, before bed and as soon as my ass crawls out in the morning. Tomorrow is official WI day but stepped on the scale this morning and I'm up from last week by 0.6 lbs. Are you fucking kidding me?! I have worked out this week, nearly religiously, and I feel like I'm eating only when my hunger triggers now, which is great, watching my portion sizes etc. Why is it when I follow the fucking rules I GAIN?! At this point I'm ready to say fuck you cuntface to the rules and find a way to semi-starve myself but not move my ass off the fucking couch and watch the pounds just melt away. Tomorrow along with WI I'll be taking my measurements...and I tell you what, if I don't see some kind of improvement there I'm going to throw one hell of a two year old tantrum.

Fuck!

Down

1.8 this week, good number but since I was up 1.6 last week it isn't anything to dance about. Oh well, I'll get em next week!

Comparison...

Okay this is something new to me...I don't post full pics of myself, I don't even take full pics of myself....EVER!

This pic was taken a few years ago, probably four, my guess is it's at my highest weight, like I said I never stepped on the scale until I started WW.

I still curse Ian's grandma for snagging that disgusting pic. The worst part of it was I thought I looked kinda cute, ya know?

Here are a couple pics I took today. I really don't like that none of my shirts show I have a waist. However my ass and hips are wide enough that I guess it's ok.

discouraged

I went through some old pics today. Really old pics. I remember the days they were taken, I remember telling myself that I was a big girl but I was still beautiful. I look at them now, so many pounds later, and ask myself what the hell was I thinking? How could I ever have led myself to believe that shit? And that's what it is...total bullshit.

My biggest fear is that I look at those pictures and I look at me now, and I don't see a difference. I don't! In my eyes nothing has changed. I'm still that morbidly obese girl. I'm terrified that once I hit my goal weight I'm still not going to see a change. What then? In junior high and high school I dabbled with anorexia, the whole point of me joining WW is that I didn't want to get unhealthy in my journey. What happens when I'm at a healthy weight and still see this roly poly fat girl in the mirror? Is that the point that I find myself no longer dabbling with anorexia but fall fully into the black hole? How do I get out of this mindset?

I'll admit, this attempt at weight loss isn't purely health revolved. There's a touch of vanity to it as well. I would like to be able to look in the mirror one day and smile, truly smile, because I'm beautiful. I'd like to go back to those small towns that tortured me when I was a kid, as a person nearly half the weight of what I was, and tell those fuckers to go to hell.

It's been a little over a year since I started WW. Since I started I've lost 61 lbs, and a total of 28 inches. I've rediscovered a love of movement and have ventured outside for pleasure again, rather than necessity. However, I feel it isn't enough. I feel like I'm a big fat failure. I see all these other people, absolute inspirations, that have lost 100+ lbs in the same amount of time, and I feel lost. Why can't I be that dedicated and strict? Does it mean that I'm not dedicated at all because this is all I've lost?

My screen name on MSN for the time being is Bipolar Betty...this week I'm truly feelin it.

I hope this post finds you all well, happy, healthy, and secure in everything you do.

A gain and NSVs

I'm up 1.6 this week, I'll take it. I'm okay with it, quite happy with it even condsidering the emotional eating of the week, lack of exercise, and knowing this is the week I usually gain or STS as TOM's making a visit next week.

I've a couple NSVs to share. I would have posted them sooner however circumstanses being what they have been they really didn't mean anything...they do now.

1. I bought my first pair of size 18 jeans in probably 8+ years. When I go to put them on I can actually SEE the size difference in them compared to my old jeans (size 26) and get a little nervous when I go to pull them up over my humungoid hips...then breath a sigh of relief and smile something big when they not only fit, but fit comfortably, and flatter the hell out of my waist.

2. I went shopping for underwear at a "normal" sized person store. It was a beautiful thing!

3. I tried my wedding dress on again (something I've been doing regularly since I started trying to lose weight) and this time it fit...over what I would normally wear as workout gear. It fit and fit more comfortably than it did on my wedding day.

And finally...I've been able to wear a tailored button down shirt that hasn't fit properly in years. Oh! One more, my fat sucker's too big. I have to buy a new one. So I may have gained a little this week...but I'm sooooo ok with it.

Not weight loss related....but read on if you like.

I'm hoping that maybe if I just write out exactly what I feel then maybe some of it will go away. I've talked to so many people and have gotten so much support and yet, I just don't feel like I can shed this thing that's hanging over me. I don't know how to explain it any other way than...lost. I feel so lost.

This friend, we'll call him M, the one that was injecting hydyromorph contin into himself in my bathroom three times daily (how could I be so blind?), I thought was real you know? I'd only asked a couple things of him, never bring drugs into my home (not even something as tame as pot), never lie to me, and never hurt me. I didn't find it too much to ask. Not in the least. It's all a matter of respect, trust, honesty; all that shit that goes along with being a "best" friend.

M and I have been friends for a few years now, I refused to listen to his bullshit and called him on any lies in the beginning because I knew he was trying to bullshit for a reason. He needed someone to call him out, I did it. I never judged him, human and mistake making as he was, because who the hell am I to judge? I supported him, defended him....I trusted him.

Recently M and his ex have started divorce/custody proceedings. He's been hit rather hard by this and his uncle killed himself only last month. I have stood by, again defending, supporting, and trusting him. For the last little while all I've really had time for, other than my son, was him. I'd even gone so far as putting my marital problems on the backburner because he needed me. Night and day we'd text, call, hop on MSN and chat. We were each other's life line.

Friday morning when I finally woke up to what he was doing, where he was doing it, and how much he'd endangered my son, myself, my husband, my pets...he'd severed any kind of trust I had for him and may ever have for him again. He hurt me to a point that feels beyond repair. I feel like I've been grieving for him for almost three days now, I've certainly gone through every stage. I feel like someone killed my best friend, and it was him that did it. Does that make sense? He didn't kill himself, but this guy, this junkied out M, killed the M that I knew and loved so dearly. And I hate him for it.

Here's where the lost comes in. He'd kept texting me up until last night. They didn't have any beds open at the rehab center until this morning, and even though I was hard as hell on him and refused to listen to his excuses and lies he kept texting me. There was one particular lie that I had called him on, I can't get into it, but I called him on it...and that was it. That was when the silence started.

What do you do with that silence? How do you deal with it? Night and day he was always there, only a text or a phone call away. 99% of me hates him almost more than humanly possible...1% of me is so utterly lost without him. The silence causes me to think, thinking only causes more hurt. I'm so sick of hurting over him. Is he even worth it after what he did? Why can't I make this pain go away?

One friend said something to me yesterday that instantly brought tears to my eyes. I'd asked him why I couldn't just let him go, J said "The junkie brought you something you hadn't experienced before. Congrats, now you're a junkie too." Ouch right. Is it true? I don't know. All I know is I'm so lost. I haven't felt this alone in....so long. I'm reaching out to every friend I have and for the most part they've all been amazing...but they all have lives. Can't fault them, you know? They're too busy to deal with me and my drama. And that's ok. I don't expect people to drop what they're doing and run to me.

I just don't know what to do with all this silence.

Down 5.2

Lost 5.2 lbs this week, I should be ecstatic, but I'm pretty sure it's because I didn't eat near enough. I wasn't working out and I wasn't tracking so I kept food to a bare minimum. Sorry my update is so short...the shock is wearing off from yesterday, and some deep deep anger is setting in. I'm kind of having to force myself into numbness. I feel sick.

What do you do...

When you bust your "best friend" shooting up in your bathroom while your child is upstairs sleeping?

I feel so stupid...so broken...so disgusted.