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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Another coffee? Yes, please!

After nearly 70 lbs lost you'd figure I'd show at least a little more pride and a little less self hate. If anything that self hate has gotten worse. I've stood naked in front of the mirror before a shower with the best intentions, telling myself that I needed to be strong and find something good about my body. One thing I could be proud of. Instead I found and berated myself for at least twenty things I was ashamed of.

My arms...come on I'm 25 fucking years old and I have my grandma's arms. If it were aerodynamically possible I could fly home with these things.

My face. I used to be so proud of the high cheekbones that weren't overly produtive (is that even a word?), but hinted at my native background. Add my long brown hair, when I allowed it to grow out, and the pale skin just didn't matter. I'm very proud of my heritage. Now though, I'm all roundness and pale.

My rack. Okay I've got a pretty decent pair but that's mostly thanks to Cacique and wonderful bras. I breastfed for a year, I'm not perky. If I ever get to goal, I want a new set.

My stomach. I now have a waist again, however shriveled, loose, fat, and wrinkled it is. I still can't wear my sweet babydoll band tees out in public without a hoodie over them. It's depressing.

My lower abdomen. I get a lot of people telling me that I carried a child, blah blah blah blah. Yeah Tony did a number on me. He was 10 lbs 5 oz, 23 1/4 inches long. He stretched me to China. He was also too big for natural birth. I didn't even go through labour. Had an emergency c-section on his due date. The long, barely visible, but slightly silvery scar is my battle wound. The one thing on my stomach I'm proud to overflowing about. The puckered, wrinkled, saggy skin around it...not so much.

My hips...I've always been hippy. I was once told that I was a true hourglass, however with child bearing and age I've fallen into the pear shape. I hate it. I can manage to make myself look and feel somewhat attractive from the waist up. Waist down and it's all over. My hips are wide and hideous.

My thighs. I've always been chunkier in the leg. Not necessarily a bad thing. I look at girls with stick skinny legs and cringe. I don't dig other chicks, but I appreciate a beautiful body, regardless of gender. Legs should have muscles and curve. My thighs are jiggly and fat, my calves round and hard, my ankles not small but dainty no less. I remember when I was pregnant and my ankles turned into cankles. I was devastated! I was always so proud of my ankles. When the water retention finally went away I cried because I had that natural structure again. The curve, bone, muscle, tendon...soooo beautiful.

My ass. Ugh. Really. I've got a flat, wide ass. You know those kids that would yell wide load...yeah I really always deserved that. I always thought, you know if I had to have a giant ass couldn't it at least have some shape? Nope. I got screwed on that angle. Now add the miles of cellulite and I'm a real fucking sight to behold.

Finally my back. I have this thing about backs. Maybe it's the artist in me that can see the beauty in all the contours and find it soooo sexy. I don't know. But I do not have a sexy back. There aren't any contours, just lumps. I have this huge, beautiful dreamcatcher and I'm too scared to show it off...because of my back.

Now all this is just a general overview of my self disgust. It gets deeper and more intricate. But you know, I didn't want to bore you all or bring you down. Ha!

Until next time...

12 comments:

Aimee said...

we are own worst critics - i think all of us feel that way.

i love cacique bras too!!!

PS: your skin tone is absolutely gorgeous. true story.

NewMe said...

Hi Girl,

I'd love to read your blog but the red letters on the black background make it very difficult. Have you thought about a colour change? Just asking...

I'm the Fat Daddy. said...

Girlfriend: Please stop hatin on yourself so much. You just sound like you are having a bluesy day.

You have come so far. And the more you lose the better it will get.

At least you got the rack. Take it from a boob man, if you're just starting with one thing you like, that's a good one to have.

PS I also find the red letters tough to read.

arielcircleofnine said...

ok I agree totally with Aimee that we are all our own worst critics. I too am guilty of the self-hatred and picking apart of minute details....but you lost 70 lbs!!! Fricken amazing!
I think alot of the self-critical "noise" we have inside our brains is generated by outside influences and the media. Sure we want to be healthy and live longer and be able to keep up with the kids. Sure we want to look nice--but I think that the ideal woman the media shoves down everyone's throats is a freakin myth. We are beautiful, we are mothers, we are goddesses. We have breasts and hips, asses and strong arms. If they are covered with a bit more fat than we'd like well fine!!!Thats mother nature at work, ensuring our fabulousness lasts as long as possible, just as she did for our ancestors, our mothers and grandmothers and their mothers!
Ok, Im not really a cruncy granola hippy chick, but that noise you got goin on inside needs to be turned down. Repeat after me, "I am a GODDESS!"

Monica said...

Hi,

Im sorry to inform you, but you absolutely rock. Yeah, hate to break it. I dont care how flabby your arms are, either!

Oh yes--Jillian Michaels "No More Trouble Zones" will help you. Its 40 minutes of hell but it gets the job done.

Sorry to have brought such bad news! But I love you and your blogs so :) :) :) Keep blogging!

Jenn said...

Isn't it funny how we can find loads of things wrong with us, but few that are right?
I'm with you, truly - I have such a hard time seeing the good things in my body. We have to keep trying, though. I think the longer we try, eventually we will see the beautiful parts. Because they ARE there, you know - you just have to look.

Lorie said...

I think we are all guilty of this. You can get past it. 70 pounds gone is AWESOME!! Keep your head up!! I think you are beautiful.....in a non-lesbian kind of way...lol.

Diana said...

Oh my dear girl...where do I begin?!

First thing, go listen to MizFit's post today. It's perfect for you (and me too). I bet if anyone else said all this shit to you would tell them to go to hell. Right?

You and I have the same disease. The "negative self-talk disease". We are our own worst enemy.

So as one kindred spirit to another, I want you to STOP IT right now.

All the junk you described in this post does not define who you are...you are a beautiful woman with a few imperfections, just like the rest of us. :)

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Shut up! You've dropped 70 lbs. You've lost a third-grader.

It's a long road, but you've accomplished so much and come so far. Don't get so down on yourself.

Keep your chin up and your eyes on the prize. You're worth all the effort you're putting into this.

Carlos said...

you don't see yourself as others see you. the trick is seeing yourself through loving eyes. i can't seem to manage it either, just saying thats the trick

Lisa said...

I can understand why you feel this way, but keep trying to find things to be proud of! I have NEVER been able to lsoe 70 lbs. You rock!

- Lisa
www.losewithlisa.blogspot.com

Victoria said...

Can I just say you are beautiful and congrats on loosing so much so far!! I dont want to say i know how you feel but I have been in a place like that before!! In high school a i lost a bunch of weight but each time i looked at myself i still saw myself as the fat person!! What helped me most was looking at before and after pictures to push me even further and also i really got into pilates! it toned everything, was a short session and made me feel great! i hope this helps keeps up the great work!!