well crap

So Monday night I went out for coffee with one of my girls and ended up pinching a nerve or pulling a muscle or something in my back. I ended up in tears that night because it hurt soooo bad. It's now two days later and I'm just starting to get a decent range of motion back. That's two days out of three I haven't been able to work out. And tomorrow I'm going to let it slide again as well because I want to be sure I don't screw it up worse.

I've also been eating like crap. Emotional eating. I think it started Monday morning. I've just been FEELING uber fat lately. I look in the mirror and all I see is fat and hate. I've been trying to force myself to find something, anything, that I do like...and I just can't. I think it's making me even more emotional by pushing myself to see the good as well as the bad, because I just feel the bad is so much more than the good. It sucks.

So I've been on the downslide of this rollercoaster for some time. I have GOT to find a way to start climbing back up before it gets too far. Any suggestions anyone?

That bastard...

My hubby took my scale away and told me I couldn't workout today. The scale because I'm obsessed, the nix on working out....I fucked my back and was in tears last night because of it and I still am not able to completely move properly. This shit sucks.

Two pounds...

And I'm sure you can guess which way that went. I hate this rollercoaster. I hate my body. I refuse to completely give up because I can feel myself getting stronger, and I'd rather be strong and healthy and fat than thin and weak and starved. Ugh. I just wish something would change.

pilate-ing

Had a late start to the exercise today and felt a bit nauseous since I woke up this morning so I did an afternoon session of pilates. I still felt it, not nearly as much as the Shred but it was a good workout nonetheless. My son didn't want to be banished to his room for 30 minutes so he asked if he could workout with me. I had intended on Shredding, however he's a little too young for something like that, but I figured he could do the pilates with me, he's so cute. Just as inflexible as his father. It really truly warms my heart to see him try so hard though. What an angel.

Fatty McFatty Pants...

Yup, that's me.

I'm shopping around for a bridesmaid dress. Ugh. I've found one that I feel like an absolute princess in but it's like $500. Yeah...for a dress I'll wear once...and it's more than I spent on MY WEDDING DRESS! There's one similar but less foofy and less...well not beaded at all by Alfred Angelo. It still has the tucked style skirt and the corset laced back (which I ADORE) so I'm leaning toward that one. I have to say though...what is it with dress designers? I mean really. If my jeans are 16/18 why the fuck do I need to get a size fucking 24 dress?! And then, because it's a one piece dress not a separate I need to alter the fuck out of top half of the dress. You have no idea. Women are not made straight up and down damn it. Here I'll show you what I mean.

That's what I look like in Paint. For real dude. My hips and ass really look like that. Although my boobs are way better than those. Anyway, thus my dilemma. Let the hip out 1.5 inches, take the waist in 4 inches, take the boob in 2 inches. It's all kinds of fucked. You have no idea how much I hate my body. At least I get to pick out my own dress. I can't wear dresses that are cut anywhere near the knee...my legs are disgusting. Oh...and dilemma number two. The wedding is in October. I'm not giving up on the whole weight loss thing so, should I order the size I'm in now? A size smaller? What should I do? Anytime you have to alter it just messes shit up. I had nothing but problems with the last bridesmaid dress I had ordered and had to alter. And that fucker was a two piece!

Last week I lost my nut. Just completely went off. Couldn't sleep, texted the person that caused me to lose it and completely flipped out on him. He was like what the fuck, I was all like "Fuck you, you fucking cuntface whore I'm so fucking pissed I just want to break your fucking nose you fucking fuck!" For reals yo. I've gotten in touch with my violent side this week. She wants to kick some ass. I told hubby I should take some kickboxing classes and get the full use of a punching bag so that when I finally do physically go off on someone I don't lose control and kill them. I have a feeling one day I just....I'll lose control. It kind of scares me.

As for the weight loss...well...bumped up to level two of the Shred yesterday. My arm strength is for shit so this is definitely harder for me. But...it'll get me what I want in the end right? Eating...blah. I've been loading up on ice cream and candy and all kinds of starchy goodness. Just hope I break even this week.

Fatsucker

Down 3 lbs this week. Big woohoo...for now. we'll see how well the downward slope holds. It's really frustrating when you average a pound a freakin month. Seriously.

I need a new fat sucker. Mine is too big. Which is pretty sweet to be honest. I told my hubby this and he got all pissed off. Doesn't like what I call it, a fat sucker. Thinks it's me degrading myself. I had to explain to him that I wear the damn thing when I wear anything that is even remotely clingy. Because the fat sucker smoothes shit out, right? I don't want to be one of those fat girls you see walking down the street that have clothing that looks like it was painted on...and it isn't a pretty painting...at all.

I've been very very angry as of late. Very angry, very hurt, and very nearly ready to unleash it on the proper person. Which means a day trip to Calgary. Yup. And the bastard will be well lucky if he doesn't lose a few teeth. I hate the way I am sometimes. I'd rather have someone push me away and tell me to fuck off than to walk away from them. It's where I am right now. Can't walk away, can't let go, until cuntface tells me to. I hate him for the way I feel right now because I know it's all a direct cause from his actions.

Penal genders suck.

This is getting a bit redundant...

Seriously. Down another 0.2 today. So I'm back to an even 63 total lost. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not angry this time...just....whatever man. I'm just kind of shrugging it off. It's getting old, you know? However, I took measurements and have lost another couple inches so...woohoo?

In another 2-3 weeks if I don't start seeing some better numbers on the scale...I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep shredding my ass off, but I'm sticking to level one (I just upped the size of my hand weights) until it's really really easy. Seriously...I don't want to almost die again.

Huh...I say seriously a lot. I've also been saying etcetera and motherfucker a lot lately too.

Yeah...

Restless

First I want to start with a couple woohoo things...Lorie over at http://next30yrs.blogspot.com/ has given me a little blog recognition, it's super sweet of her! My blog has never been recognized, I've been blogging for some time now, not always regularly, not always positive, and I know I have a few followers but never thought I'd receive a little recognition like this. She actually said I was an inspiration! What?! Thank you!

So apparently it's my turn now to send this off to a few others. Five to be exact. Here are the rules:

Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog to let them know how lucky they are today!When you present your Super Blogger awards, link back to the super blogger who gave it to you.

Here are my pics, bear in mind that I have waaaaaay more than five but I'm tagging those that haven't been tagged yet as well (or at least not that I've seen):

1. Ben @ http://graized.blogspot.com/ This guy is heartfelt, honest, and has been a huge inspiration!

2. Blendergrl @ http://timetouncovertherealme.blogspot.com/ She's just adorable and has done so well. I love reading her blogs and love seeing the uber delish looking foods she whips up. She's like a modern betty crocker.

3. Dina @ http://sizewhatagain.blogspot.com/ If you haven't read her blogs, go now and do it! This girl is hilarious!

4. Wildfluffysheep @ http://infatuationwilleatyou.blogspot.com/ She's very much like me in this journey...lots of ups and downs and bipolar tendencies lol...it's all good though. I adore her blogs and her overall attitude!

5. Aimee @ http://aims41.blogspot.com/ I've just recently started reading her blog but already I love it.

Okay now give me a break, I don't know how to do the fancy linky thing so it just shows the title of the blog. Deal with it! :oP

Second for woohoo moments, I had entered a contest on JBe's blog http://exhotgirl.blogspot.com/ for a book, and I won. Seriously I've never won more than $5 on a scratch off ticket! And I love reading so...double woohoo!

Okay on to the restless. Lately I've been feeling very trapped. Trapped in my job, trapped in my marriage, trapped in my home. I want nothing more than to get the hell out of this city. Unfortunately due to finances this mama ain't goin no where. So yesterday I packed up my kidlet and took him to the cheap theatre to see Coraline. Excellent movie! Of course we indulged in theatre popcorn, yup, it's bad for you, but oh so delicious. Also a box of Reese's Pieces...shut up...it was worth it!

I woke up this morning and was still depressed and feeling utterly trapped. I told the hubby to take me to the mountains. He had to work today so that was a no go. We don't really have the funds for a trip to Jasper right now either. The gas and sustenance starts to add up. So...packed up the kidlet again and spent the afternoon at the zoo. We got there about 12:30 and stayed til closing (4 pm). We only took a couple breaks for some munchies but otherwise walked the entire time. Now, the Edmonton zoo is tiny. Microscopic even. We went to see the sea lions twice (my favorite). Seriously you could tour this entire zoo in like an hour. We drug it out big time, but it was fun, so very worth it. The only crappy thing was that it started raining close to closing time.

I'm feeling pretty good right now so hopefully when I wake up tomorrow and know that hubby'll be working all day it'll be ok. I think it's supposed to be raining for the rest of the week too...so maybe that will force me to get the damned housework done. It's never ending. I'm really getting sick of the day to day grind. The never ending pile of dishes and laundry. The floors that never stay clean. The carpets that take about 20 seconds to be covered in cat fur again.

As far as diet/exercise go. Well food has been...ok? I don't know. I try very very hard to stay within points and had been doing so well not eating after 8 pm then I started working out and find myself soooo hungry at night. So hungry all the time! I'm trying to make better choices too when I do eat but, being a woman, TOM is making a visit next week so this week is good ol' PMS. Craving junk like mad and finding zero will power to say no to it. I've been shredding again this week. Bumped it up to level two and have been sweating buckets...it's disgusting but is sooo cool. Well it was anyway, til yesterday. I think I may have bumped to level two just a little too soon. Things were going great yesterday with the Tonester until after the movie. Went out for a smoke, talked to hubby, hung up the phone, felt like I was dying from the inside out. Seriously. I didn't know muscle pain could ever be that bad. I toughed it out for a bit so Tony and I could play some games but ended up having to leave. I felt soooo bad. I know he wanted to race some more on that stupid Daytona game and I would have loved too, but it hurt so bad I was starting to see double. So hobble to the bus and get home then the pain starts to ease a little. I finally realized it was my muscles...not my abdomen exploding and killing me slowly.

The pain has eased quite a bit but is still very much there. I decided to ease up a bit, incorporate Carmen back into my workouts along with Jillian, and maybe keep it at four days a week instead of five. Or doing something extremely low intensity like yoga on Wednesdays instead of something hardcore. I've never hurt like this before, and I don't ever want to again. It wasn't sweet workout pain, it actually crossed my mind that maybe my appendix had burst and was leaking toxins into my body...had thought maybe I should go to the hospital.

So anyway, today I walked for a couple hours. Not all brisk and shit, just leisure, but it was good. Maybe I'll get a workout in tonight before bed, but I doubt it. Tomorrow morning though, I've got a date with Carmen!

W-T-F mate?

Down 0.4 lbs this week. Seriously? Don't ask me how I managed to pull a loss off because I don't fucking know....

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. A clusterfuck of tears. Sunday it was work, and me ->this<- close to walking away from my job, then fighting with Ian after he picked up me up. Monday it was a doc appt, then fighting with Ian...and oh boy was that fight a gooder. Throwing screaming fuck you kind of fight. Since then it's been one thing after another and I, like the good little emotional eating codependant that I am, turned to yummy delicious foods. I had donuts (yes that's plural, and fuck man I haven't allowed myself a donut in at least six months), ice cream with gummi bears (gotta love Marble Slab), lots of carbs and chocolate and barely any fruits or veggies.

I've been shredding my ass off this week, only taking one day off, basically in protest, then friday I did some strippin instread of shredding...poor Carmen's missed me you know.

Let's see what next week's WI brings...if I keep losing lbs with a point in front of it I might hit a whopping one pound by the end of May. Woofuckinghoo!