wagon? what wagon?

I have fallen, rolled, and was ran away from like the axe murderer in a horror flick. The biggest problem is that I'm disgusted at myself and feeling so much disappointment, hatred, and self loathing that I can't even manage to pull myself out of the hole to start searching for the tracks. I haven't exercised in a week. Talk about stupid move. No exercise, emotional eating...yeah I'm feelin it.

On a not so dark note I've started the new job, and as overwhelming as it is I really enjoy it. I think it's really helped me to ignore my cousin's death too. Which has led to my eating everything in sight. I don't know how to deal with this. I say to others all the time, when you're ready you'll find your way back. I'm scared that I'll never find my way back, even though I've been ready forever. I'm scared that in the next month I'll gain back every pound I've lost. And honestly by the way I've been eating I could see it happening...I mean I'd be dead because of the food overload, but I'd be a very fatter dead. Yes I said fatter. I don't think there'll ever be a day I don't consider myself fat.

I hate updating with this shit. I hate sounding like this. I know I've never been one for sunshine and happiness, but even I am too much for myself right now, so I certainly don't want to put it on y'all. However...somewhere down there I haven't given up really...I'm not done. I'm not where I want to be. I want to be better, healthier, stronger. I want to be proud of me. I just don't know how to get myself to where I need to be to start again.

gain

I was stupid and stepped on the scale. I was going to skip knowing what I've done to myself but I happen to be an obsessive scaler. I'm up 3.2 lbs this week. I wonder why that is? Oh wait! Maybe the three bags of turtle chex mix I've scarfed, or oh yeah, quite possibly the fact that I got good and shit faced last night then found myself at McDick's drive thru at midnight. Maybe that's why. I know I'm being stupid. Oh fucking well. I feel pathetic you guys. I really do. Like a big fat pathetic failure.

Day of rest?

Last night I still worked out. Tonight I think I'm going to pass. Not because I want to, but because I have an appt and don't know when I'm getting home.

I'm going to keep exercising. Even as I eat my way through the house. I know what I'm doing. I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. And I know why. Maybe if I had a friend up here it wouldn't be so bad. When you feel that you're utterly alone...it's easy to allow yourself to consciously eat your emotions.

I'm by no means giving up, just for now, I'm giving in. I'll get sick of it again, I always do.

Loss

This is not a loss I wanted, nor one I have looked forward to. My cousin overdosed yesterday. Tomorrow would have been her 42nd birthday. My mother is beside herself. Melody was one of my best friends growing up. Now she's gone, I'm here, my mother's there, Melody's daughter is at her uncle's...I miss her. I'm angry, but god do I miss her.

No news is good news?

Sometimes.

On Saturday I finally saw a change in my stagnant weight. Dun dun duuuuuuuuun...a drop of 2.2 lbs, what?! Hells yeah bitches! I've worked out so many days in a row now, I don't remember the last day that I didn't do something at all. Even if it's just a walk, or the lower intensity tae boxing, it's something!

And then, I had a rough day. Yeah today I got to go to the lady doctor. I know it's only once a year, blah blah blah suck it up buttercup, but these visits are always traumatic for me. It isn't just the uncomfortability and pain for me, it's the passing of the personal bubble. I've been sexually assaulted twice, raped once (and boy is that still hard for me to even admit or recognize), since I was 13. Since I need birth control I need to see the lady doctor, or she'd refuse and I'd be poppin out kidlets left right and center...no thanks! Either way, I nearly work myself into a right panic/anxiety attack once the clothes are shed and I'm sittin bare assed waiting for the doc to come in. I always make the procedure worse than it needs to be.

Anyway...because of this I immediately went to the store after the appt, because oh how convenient it happened right around lunch time. I got pizza (at 6 pieces...yeah), donuts (one of those thank you), and a very small cheesecake that I split with hubster. My stomach is still sticking out and hurting. I deserve the pain. Seriously...where's my helmet baby cuz there's windows need lickin'!

Let's hope this doesn't completely destroy my week. Dinner? Cottage cheese and toast. Super light. Oh yes.