Thursday, September 3, 2009

Soul Cleansing

Tonight it's raining. I love the smell of rain. The forecast called for a storm but lately the rain hasn't been hanging around long enough to really lash out. I think I need it, my soul is screaming for a good storm.

Thunderstorms or rain have always felt like a soul cleansing to me. Metaphorically washing away all the shit. Drama, pain, anger...the toxicity that fuels hate, it's all gone after a good soul cleansing rain. Kind of like a good heart and gut wrenching cry. Right now I need the rain, very badly.

This black cloud that has followed me, building and raging but never releasing, is far more than just self hatred for my slow weight loss, my disappointment for falling so low I can't even stand myself. In the past few days I've found numerous moments that I feel a couple tears staining my cheeks, but I can't just cry. I feel that everything inside me is so congested that it just can not find its way out, and it's slowly eating at me.

I attribute part of this to the way I was raised. My father was a very proud, stoic man. Never one to show or stand for any kind of emotion or sensitivity I was taught from the time I was in diapers and could understand what was going on that big girls don't cry. We haul up our big girl panties and keep on going. My parents split when I was six, finalized the divorce when I was seven, after eight more years living with my hypersensitive mother I still hadn't gotten over the big girl complex. It drove me to cut, drink, smoke, even partake in a few "circles". It also fueled a very volatile temper.

I control tears, I don't control anger. I've been known to scream, punch and kick walls and doors, and throw shit around. Never at the person, just in their general vicinity. Only once have I ever gotten physical with someone, and that's because he made a racial slur against Mexicans...I happen to have Mexican blood and I didn't take to that too well. Before he knew it my hand was pressed against his throat holding him a foot off the floor against a locker, needless to say he never said anything like that around me again.

But I's been well over a year since I've had a good cry, a really really good cry. I've tried to make myself do it, knowing that when I do I'll feel that darkness ease, craving a bit of serenity from it. Nothing has worked, not movies, not writing, not even music. For those that know me well, they know that music affects, sometimes even controls my moods. If I'm angry I can usually release it by screaming out with a bit of Pantera, Melissa Etheridge, Three Days Grace, Godsmack....whatever fits the anger crying out for release in me.

At this time though, what I feel I need is a good gut wrenching, soul cleansing sob. I just don't know how to make it happen. I'm worried that I'm going to fall apart in the wrong place, at the wrong time, like when I drop my son off for his first day of Kindergarten. I'd started welling up already when we got to take a peek at his classroom. It's all going too fast, way too fast, I'm so not ready for this.

The wind's still whipping outside but the rain has stopped. I guess the we caught the storm's edge and I won't be getting that soul cleansing rain that I need so badly. Oh well, maybe next time.


Losing Waist! said...

I have the habit of channeling my emotions through rage/anger... they are secondary to what is underneath. I DO cry, but only when I am FUCKINGANGRY. I cannot express how much I relate to what you wrote (in my own way of course).

As a woman I know that if I had been born male with the anger issues I have... I would be in jail because of all of the fighting I would do...not acceptable for the ladies!

Personally I think it would be good to have an underground "fight club" for us angry bitches. I sure could use a mutually agreed upon fist fight (haha).

Diana said...

Funny thing, but I haven't cried for months. Not because I don't have anything I can cry about (I have lots), I just can't cry. Weird. Just reading your post remdinded me. Now I get angry, but I don't cry. I use to get angry AND cry. I must be broken or something.

big_mummy said...

wow, i see so many similiarities and yet so many differences. I control every emotion with crying,it gets old really quick, but now and again i just burst with anger and do the throwing things around business, and then i go back to crying.

i love storms too :) theyre amazing to watch

anne h said...

Let it rain - I love it, too!

Syl said...

I know this is going to sound really odd, but I'm just gonna throw it out there for you to think about.
As you know my dad passed away unexpectly and I had a really hard time coping, I turned not to crying but to YOGA.
Yoga inabled me to let go of all the emotions I had bottled up inside.
It's not for everyone, infact some people hate it but it's worth a try.
I didn't do any of the hot yoga or even any that gave me any type of workout, that's not what I was there for. I took 2 beginner classes and am actually thinking about taking another one in the fall.
hugs to you my friend, hope you find an answer soon.

Fat Daddy said...

I hope your storm blows through soon. Hopefully not a category 5, but a good one like you need.

Make sure you blink back the tears enough to take pictures of your little man on his first day!

Actual real storms...I love them too. You described their cleaning effect so well. The smells right after a storm...

When my oldest kids were little we stood outside during a hard rain on a really hot August day one just poured buckets on us. We've never forgotten it. So simple and so awesome.

Carlos said...

hang in there. cry that shit out...

arielcircleofnine said...

like losing waist and big mummy have said, crying comes easily for me whenever I have a strong emotion of any kind. Good, bad, ANGRY...all result in tears. I have a hard time expressing Anger in any other way and that can also be unhealthy!!
Hope the rain comes hard, and helps the tears come too. A good cry can be so cathartic. I do agree that physical things can release emotions too, as Syl says. Either way, it'll happen. Be patient with yourself!

Anonymous said...

I'm not happy, either, and I know of stagnant, dull, nothingness. I run depressed and I control it with exercise. This also allows me to be stable and grounded enough to allow myself to feel those emotions that are usually taboo, or just too painful to deal with. My suggestion, insofar as I understand your situation, would be to put away the scale, start exercising, and give yourself the room to stop bingeing and stabilize, because if you're bingeing, you're not going to lose weight anyway, and will probably gain. Please be nicer to yourself, if you're fighting yourself you won't win this battle.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

We're all wired differently, all have our different coping mechanisms and ways of dealing with the world and ourselves. All I can tell you is that sometimes it's all more than a person can reasonably be expected to take.

It'll get better, Amber. It'll get better, and then it'll get worse, and then it'll get better again. It's life and it's going to keep coming at you whether you're ready or not.

I hope you find your good cry (watch Marley & Me... that's my advice) and that these storm clouds break soon.

You deserve a rainbow.