ilovemyjobilovemyjobilovemyjob

First I nearly gave myself a concussion walking out from underneath a staircase. Then, in a rage, I kicked the nearest thing, a pile of cut 2X4s. Guess who doesn't have steel toes yet.

This girl.

I hate stairs.

eating

The past couple days I have eaten myself into oblivion. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I guess I haven't quite climbed off the roller coaster. I feel sick.

Pathetic.

meh

Down 3.2 this week. woofreakinhoo.

My son is driving me batty. I hate PMSing and losing self control over everything it seems. I don't mean to get angry but god am I walking a sanity tight rope.

WW say what?!

So I felt pretty nauseous when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a gain of 2.6. But I knew it was coming. I entered my weight and recalculated points...and saw a jump of 6 pts a day! That made it even worse.

The last time I remember eating that many points a day was at least 50 lbs ago. So I adjusted them, dropped 2 or 3 off. I just can't imagine...

Now I'm going to be fighting to make sure I eat that many points in a day. When I'm working I don't get very hungry. It isn't until there's a break or after we're done for the day that I find my stomach's growling.

I don't know how this is going to go. Normally I'd give it a minimum of two - three weeks to see if I need to adjust points again, but I'm leaving for Wisconsin in three weeks and will be there for three weeks and my activity level is going to soooo drop. Even if I spend all day walking it's not going to equal the activity level at work, so I'll need to drop points while there, then add them back when I get back. I'm guessing that I won't be stabalizing until near the end of November when I'm back on a regular routine for a few weeks.

34 pts....wow....makes me a little sick just looking at it. I'm terrified! Help?

Gonna be another gain...

And it's all good yo.

It's been a very crazy busy week. To those of you that have e-mailed me and it's taken me time to respond, so very sorry. Also I've been lacking in commenting on blogs, I apologize for that too. I read them, well scan them, and if it really touches me in some way then I'll comment but...I just don't have much time anymore and the time I do have I'm extremely exhausted.

This past Monday marked my first full day back to work in years. Not any work mind you, now I'm a construction bitch. Since I moved to Canada 8 years ago, and got my first "real" job, I've been in retail. I've sold clothing, cellular phones, western wear, saddles & tack, and most recently biker gear. None of this has prepared me for the physical labour of construction. Or the pure frustration and anger at myself that construction has caused.

I've been a stay at home mom since my son was born. My days consisted of occasional play with the kiddo, games, feeding, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc. Now the kidlet's in full time kindergarten and I have a chance to make some real money, no more pocket change. Hubs has worked construction (building frostwalls in basements) for at least six years now. I'd occasionally gone to work with him helped him put in a bit of insulation, raise the occasional stud (damn that sounds dirty)...but none of it has prepared me. I'd have to say this is the most physically active I've been...well ever really.

I'd tried to get into my account on WW to change my daily activity level as I knew it would give me more points during the day to ease the insane hunger that's come with the activity, alas WW website totally denied me. So I haven't eaten the best this week. No excuses. I was hungry, so I ate, and it wasn't always healthy.

Tomorrow is WI and I know it isn't going to be a good one. I'm okay with that. However when I track my weight I'll be able to adjust the daily activity level and then I'm climbing off the roller coaster of fatty love (sorry Simone!), the ride has given me motion sickness and it's time to walk away. Back to constant tracking (even of the little things). I figure with my new ultra physical job and the 30 minute brisk walk to and from Tony's school in the morning I'm burning lots of calories...now I just need to stick with it!

The three week holiday ahead of me is a bit daunting...but not too much. Wish me luck!

Up

2.4

Last night I had a bottle of wine...yes to myself, then split a 9" pizza and had four lemon pepper wings at about midnight.

I enjoyed every bit of it though.

Next week it will be better.

Super pissed

Ok so I am officially a hockey mom. Apparently there's more to being a hockey mom than supporting my kid and occasionally telling the little punk that just hip checked my son if he hurts my baby I'll knock his teeth out. Yeah...I'm one of those. Don't hate, you're just as protective of your kids.

We were told to leave a $400 deposit check in the case that we didn't show up for our four required "volunteer" shifts doing concession at Oilers games. This ain't no bingo y'all. Hubs and I have talked it over after wasting four hours and two nights at pointless orientations and cash trainings with the slobbering gimpy idiots pulled right off the Employ Abilities line that actually got jobs at the arena, and they just need to let us know when they're cashing the check. The money will be there. If it were a simple bingo or sending my son door to door with book thingies...sure I'd do it. But I am not working what's really a second job to fund raise for my son's hockey team. Fuck that shit. Let's add that I quit my retail job because I've become so hateful and cynical with the general public that the next person that annoys me may very well be in for a punch in the face.

I heard once that a single person is smart, but people are ignorant. Sometimes it's true, not always. I'm sure people think that I'm an ignorant cocky bitch because of the way I talk, yeah I'm cocky, can be bitchy, but when I say something mean about someone...it's because it's true. And very obviously so.

I never used to be this mean. It wasn't until I spent so much time working retail that I really started hating people. I need to get out. Seriously, or I'm going to alienate everyone I know and end up truly alone. And I don't want to do that, especially to the people that really know me...the real me...not the incessantly angry and bitter bitch that most people see, even so, it takes years for those people to see...I don't open up to people easily.

Anyway...thanks to the most pointless nights of 2009 I'm going to see a gain, I'll be lucky if it's not more than a 2 lbs gain. Those stupid meetings were at 5:30. We had to leave the house at 4 to drop the kidlet off then get back to the northside in time then didn't get to eat until almost 8 pm, if not after, and the only thing nearby was taco bell. It was delicious, but completely screwed me. Oh well. Moving on...again.

Just to clarify

I'm getting a lot of guilt about the kids. Here's the deal folks, I don't know her address, I don't know her husband's last name, the only phone number I have for her is a cell. If I did call CPS about the kids all I would have is a bunch of hearsay and no solid evidence. So she told me...they don't give a shit. And even if I did have evidence, I don't know where to point them.

So thank you for your advice...but it's much more difficult than just calling someone and walking away.

Life just can't be easy can it...

I'm not even finished coming to terms with one addict in my life...now there are two...

How do I handle this? I don't know what it feels like, I WILL NOT make excuses for her getting a fix with her two babies in the car so she can "feel better".

What do I say? What do I do?

Fuck.

Down 4.4

Soul Cleansing

Tonight it's raining. I love the smell of rain. The forecast called for a storm but lately the rain hasn't been hanging around long enough to really lash out. I think I need it, my soul is screaming for a good storm.

Thunderstorms or rain have always felt like a soul cleansing to me. Metaphorically washing away all the shit. Drama, pain, anger...the toxicity that fuels hate, it's all gone after a good soul cleansing rain. Kind of like a good heart and gut wrenching cry. Right now I need the rain, very badly.

This black cloud that has followed me, building and raging but never releasing, is far more than just self hatred for my slow weight loss, my disappointment for falling so low I can't even stand myself. In the past few days I've found numerous moments that I feel a couple tears staining my cheeks, but I can't just cry. I feel that everything inside me is so congested that it just can not find its way out, and it's slowly eating at me.

I attribute part of this to the way I was raised. My father was a very proud, stoic man. Never one to show or stand for any kind of emotion or sensitivity I was taught from the time I was in diapers and could understand what was going on that big girls don't cry. We haul up our big girl panties and keep on going. My parents split when I was six, finalized the divorce when I was seven, after eight more years living with my hypersensitive mother I still hadn't gotten over the big girl complex. It drove me to cut, drink, smoke, even partake in a few "circles". It also fueled a very volatile temper.

I control tears, I don't control anger. I've been known to scream, punch and kick walls and doors, and throw shit around. Never at the person, just in their general vicinity. Only once have I ever gotten physical with someone, and that's because he made a racial slur against Mexicans...I happen to have Mexican blood and I didn't take to that too well. Before he knew it my hand was pressed against his throat holding him a foot off the floor against a locker, needless to say he never said anything like that around me again.

But I digress...it's been well over a year since I've had a good cry, a really really good cry. I've tried to make myself do it, knowing that when I do I'll feel that darkness ease, craving a bit of serenity from it. Nothing has worked, not movies, not writing, not even music. For those that know me well, they know that music affects, sometimes even controls my moods. If I'm angry I can usually release it by screaming out with a bit of Pantera, Melissa Etheridge, Three Days Grace, Godsmack....whatever fits the anger crying out for release in me.

At this time though, what I feel I need is a good gut wrenching, soul cleansing sob. I just don't know how to make it happen. I'm worried that I'm going to fall apart in the wrong place, at the wrong time, like when I drop my son off for his first day of Kindergarten. I'd started welling up already when we got to take a peek at his classroom. It's all going too fast, way too fast, I'm so not ready for this.

The wind's still whipping outside but the rain has stopped. I guess the we caught the storm's edge and I won't be getting that soul cleansing rain that I need so badly. Oh well, maybe next time.

Thank you

For all of you out there that commented on my last post or tossed out an e-mail as a show of support, I thank you.

I'm in a pretty bad place right now, in head and heart, and knowing that there is support out there means the world to me.