Cleveland

Oh how I desire thee.

According to Orbitz and Expedia I can get the flight and hotel for $900. That means no car, no food, no booze (WHAT?!)....

Anybody wanna buy shit from me for a good cause?

Tooth Fairy

Since inflation the rates have risen from a quarter in my day to a dollar. Molars warrant two dollars.

That lucky little shit lol.

PS: if he swallows or loses his tooth...he'll probably get a tenner since I'd feel so bad lol. If the waterworks start...a twenty.

Fuck I'm old...

My baby just lost his first tooth...like less than a minute ago. He's growing up and I'm growing old!

Awesome day!

I went out with my girl today to her parent's house and we took the quads out (my first time EVER) for two hours. The trails were terrifying and the view was sooooo amazing! Hopped in the pool after for a cool off....

Today was a great day.

Drama and whatnot

I'm not even going to get into the drama, just know that I'd like to punch a chick's fake silver tooth out.

Down 3.4 today, woohoo! And that's only because I was super strict after my binges on Saturday and Sunday of last week, and I was out walking almost every day! Not necessarily walking for exercise, but getting out of the house and moving.

Today I work for three hours, lame, then am off to get my nails did and my eyebrows ripped out, then BBQ and pool time with my girly. Even with the lame ass three hours, I have a feeling today is going to be a good one.

I need to lose 18.2 lbs to get to my goal of 195 by October 8. This means I need to start again and drop 1.9 lbs per week to make goal. Think I can do it? Fuck I sure hope so...

A glimmer of light ...

Ok so with the help of a few very encouraging people, and a good hard cry at my meeting Tuesday night I'm finally starting to pull out of the dreaded black hole. Woohoo! With that I'd like to share some stuff that's happened over the past few days.

Wednesday my baby had his first sleepover at a friend's house. I think this is when the depression started, only I wish I had seen it then, and assured myself that my son's not growing up and leaving me yet. It doesn't scare me when he stays overnight at his Oma's, I miss him but not to the point that my heart aches. This time it did. Fuck did I miss that mouthy, toothy grinned kid. Capital Ex has rolled into Edmonton and Thursday was the morning of the parade so Tony and his little buddy and little buddy's mom went to the parade. Ian and I didn't have to be around until 3pm to pick the kidlet up so we went for a drive. I needed to get the hell out of the house. That usually happens when I start falling, I get claustrophobic in my home. So we went for this drive out to Alberta Beach, I'd never been there but have looked at plenty of homes for sale out there. Walking into the little bar there had me instantly feeling nostalgic for home. Small town Wisconsin...god I miss it. And yes the beach had a spattering of people but in comparison to my townhouse complex it was quiet, and I really really needed that quiet. We had lunch at a bar and walked up the pier then had just enough time to get back to E-town to get the Tonester. As soon as we were home all I could hear was the little ghetto kids in the open area behind my house screaming. I swear I can feel that sound straight to my bones and it makes me want to throw shit and scream. A facebook quiz said I'm going to be a "scary old woman" when I get older. I can see that shit, for real.

Friday morning I woke and I still wasn't ok. Now I didn't expect the depression to lift right away but usually a day or two and I'm starting to feel a bit better, starting to creep out of my isolation, not Friday. Friday I wanted to stab all the little screaming kids in their eyes. So I had hubby take us for a walk out in the middle of no where (Hasse Lake to be exact), on a 1.6 km loop. Nothing big but we'd also made an appt to go horseback riding at a stable close by and had to make this loop in less than 45 minutes. There's a place out here called Wagner Bog, it's this pretty little nature reserve that takes you through a 1.7 km loop and through pretty much every natural habitat, it's very beautiful. We take this normally just at a leisurely stroll though and stop and take pictures, look at flowers, look for frogs and tadpoles and salamanders. That walk usually takes us 45 minutes alone so when Ian suggested the 1.6km I panicked. I was NOT missing my horseback ride damn it. So we plowed through and finished in 15-20 minutes. I was surprised and kind of proud. I didn't know if that was good time, but it felt good to me. Off to get some water then on to the stables.

Somehow I always get stuck with the spooky horse and Ian gets the nag that likes to go her own way. Which was good for this ride because he had Tony doubled up with him. My horse had attitude, she snorted and huffed almost the entire way, then when Ian's horse got too close after taking a couple pics the shit decided to start bucking and getting ready to haul off. I of course had my hands no where near the reins or horn so I squeaked and nearly dropped my camera, I know, not so badass...but I didn't fall off damn it! It was a beautiful ride under the hot hot sun, I loved the smell of the trees and greenery. It wasn't as satisfying (or terrifying) as riding in the mountains, but oh it was good. I really loved the silence. I feel lately that my whole world is getting noised out, and I really really just needed that quiet. However the hour was up soon and as we went to tie up the horse I needed the stool again to get down. Fuck you I'm of midget height...I need a stool damn it. It was a white rubbermaid type stool...and the damn horse spooked at it. So I had to wait for Ian to get behind me, you know, just in case. I ended up losing footing anyway because my knees just wanted to give out. I fell against the horse and then kind of huffed when she didn't budge. Oh yeah you get a fatty flying against you and you're fine, god forbid the scary white stool get near you though. For three days after...I felt like an 80 lbs virgin that got a pounding from Tommy Lee. No lie. To the bone man I was hurtin. It was cool though and I'll definitely be doing it again!

(This is the only time you'll ever see my fat ass...so enjoy the view!)

Saturday I worked, it was slow and sucky. And I like the girl I work with, for the most part, but the bitch doesn't shut the fuck up...so that got old quick, especially when I didn't want to be around people at all anyway. I was off at five and since I'd had plans to work with Ian on Sunday we dropped the kidlet off at the in law's and did a little late night Wally World shopping. I think it was about 9 pm that night we had a rip roaring storm come in. Afterwards I'd hear there was something like 90+ mph winds...equivalent to an F1 tornado. Sweet! Power went out so we watched the wicked storm from our bedroom window then crashed. We really didn't think it was that bad though...until I took the Tonester through Rundle Park and saw the damage.

Sunday I helped put up frostwalls in a basement. Honestly, this is what I want to do now. I want to work with my hubby after Tony starts school. Once I have my own tools and get over my fear of the Hilti and the chop saw I'll be kickin ass man. Really! We picked Tony up and since power was still out as far as we knew, after work, we went out to eat and that's when I polished off the rest of my weekly flex points. Got home and power was back. I felt like a big fat stupid failure.

Monday...yeah I don't remember what I did on Monday. Like at all.

Tuesday I had a meeting, I love those meetings. I screamed and cried and hated and it was good. Also took Tony to the Royal Alberta Museum. Good times!

Yesterday I took Tony to the Muttart Conservatory. And this is where I found my light...finally. I'm out of the black hole! Thanks for putting up with my shit!

Coffee tree...I worship you!















I saw these and thought...dried poo or penis'...take your pic.

And then I saw this, the Shaving Bush tree...PENIS IT IS!

On that note...thanks for listening :)

Just to clarify...

When I say -4.5 flex...I mean for the week. Like in the past couple days I've had my 28 pts each day but 39.5 extra points spread over the two days. TWO DAYS!

I'm swimming in hate.

I'm so utterly depressed.

Double Fail!

I suck.

Gained 3.8....yup every single fucking pound I lost the week that I ate nothing but garbage. Last week I worked out every day and stayed within my weekly points.

I suck.

It's day two into my new week and I'm already -4.5 flex points.

I suck.

I think it's time to go into seclusion and beat myself up.

Fuck that diet yo!

Ok so last week was messed up. I kept saying, "Today I'm going to stay within my points." I tried...epic fail. Fajitas two nights in a row, unbaked tortilla chips with delicious bean dip (aka skillet queso at Chili's), ice cream. Just...fail.

So I told myself, look dillhole you wanna be under 200 when you go to your mom's wedding, so fucking get your lazy fat fucking ass in gear! I was set to start kicking ass starting yesterday after WI. After stepping on the scale and seeing a much undeserved 3.8 lbs loss (bringing me to a total of 72 lbs lost!!!) it just pushed me forward. Well maybe not enough. We went to the in law's to watch the fights last night. Lots of fun, but these guys aren't dieters. I knew we were supposed to be ordering pizza so I brought a spinach salad (yummy) and kept the points down over the morning and afternoon so I could indulge in one or two pieces without feeling guilty then load up on the delish spinach salad.

Epic epic fail.

I had four pieces. FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLL!!!

I also had snacked on some chips and salsa, also unbaked. Ugh.

However, I've got all week to work that shit off.

When I first set my little mini goal it was for me to WI at 200. If I was under even better, but goal was 200. Since the sweet loss last week I've upped it by only five lbs. I want to be at 195 (a number I haven't seen since I was probably four. Ok maybe not but still...it's been forever!). In order to do that I need to lose 17.8 lbs with the final WI being October 3. I need to lose 1.5 lbs a week. Actually a teensy bit less but whatever. Rounding up.

Since I haven't seen my family or friends back home, nor have I told most of them about my weight loss (as I totally would have jinxed myself), I can't wait to show up and just be like...hells yeah bitches, check me out! Although if my mother points out to me again that she's a tiny 125 lbs I'll have to send her down the aisle covered in bruises (there's your something blue bitch!...seriously I love my mom).

As I'm working only casually now, no more weekends slinging biker gear for me (ok well today and August long), I definitely need to get my butt back into workout mode. You don't realize how even two days of running your ass off in a store helps in the WL area. It sure does though. So I think if I set myself up for working out Mon-Fri, when I haven't worked out regularly in weeks, I'll completely fail again. So Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri it is. Then I'll bring in Wednesday after a few weeks. I'm also getting back in the habit of tracking tracking tracking!!!

No more free days either. They weren't free for alls, more like a guiltless Saturday. No more. That shit is getting tracked, and if it doesn't fit, no yummies for me.

On another note, the smartmouthed, freakishly funny Carlos once told me that we need to start seeing ourselves through loving eyes. I totally agree. And I finally figured out that this is why I always ask WHY. I have a few male friends that find me attractive. I look in the mirror, tell them they're absolutely insane...or blind, then give them the finger. I appreciate the sentiment but heartily refuse to believe it. I've been asking why though for years. A lot of men think it's me being egotistical or...I don't know...something not right, not good, whatever. I figured out it's because I'm aching to see myself through their eyes. Maybe if I see myself through their eyes, I'll start to believe them. I'll start to see it too...I just don't understand why, and I need to.

Anyway...there's my shit for the day :)

Boobs

Was going through my blog roll and my husband grabbed the camera and tried to get a sneaky shot of my tits.

Kind of hard to do when the camera's two inches from my face pointed down my shirt.

It's lucky he's got a cute butt...cuz he's not so smart sometimes.

Just thought I'd share :)

Logic?

Down .2 this week.

I didn't work out and was shit for tracking.

Where the hell's the logic in that?

Thank you

So yeah, just wanted to drop a thanks to all of you...

I love the support! But I'm still wallowing in self disgust. I'm sorry lol.

I hope the layout change helps y'all. I'm not really a girly girl so...yeah. :D

Another coffee? Yes, please!

After nearly 70 lbs lost you'd figure I'd show at least a little more pride and a little less self hate. If anything that self hate has gotten worse. I've stood naked in front of the mirror before a shower with the best intentions, telling myself that I needed to be strong and find something good about my body. One thing I could be proud of. Instead I found and berated myself for at least twenty things I was ashamed of.

My arms...come on I'm 25 fucking years old and I have my grandma's arms. If it were aerodynamically possible I could fly home with these things.

My face. I used to be so proud of the high cheekbones that weren't overly produtive (is that even a word?), but hinted at my native background. Add my long brown hair, when I allowed it to grow out, and the pale skin just didn't matter. I'm very proud of my heritage. Now though, I'm all roundness and pale.

My rack. Okay I've got a pretty decent pair but that's mostly thanks to Cacique and wonderful bras. I breastfed for a year, I'm not perky. If I ever get to goal, I want a new set.

My stomach. I now have a waist again, however shriveled, loose, fat, and wrinkled it is. I still can't wear my sweet babydoll band tees out in public without a hoodie over them. It's depressing.

My lower abdomen. I get a lot of people telling me that I carried a child, blah blah blah blah. Yeah Tony did a number on me. He was 10 lbs 5 oz, 23 1/4 inches long. He stretched me to China. He was also too big for natural birth. I didn't even go through labour. Had an emergency c-section on his due date. The long, barely visible, but slightly silvery scar is my battle wound. The one thing on my stomach I'm proud to overflowing about. The puckered, wrinkled, saggy skin around it...not so much.

My hips...I've always been hippy. I was once told that I was a true hourglass, however with child bearing and age I've fallen into the pear shape. I hate it. I can manage to make myself look and feel somewhat attractive from the waist up. Waist down and it's all over. My hips are wide and hideous.

My thighs. I've always been chunkier in the leg. Not necessarily a bad thing. I look at girls with stick skinny legs and cringe. I don't dig other chicks, but I appreciate a beautiful body, regardless of gender. Legs should have muscles and curve. My thighs are jiggly and fat, my calves round and hard, my ankles not small but dainty no less. I remember when I was pregnant and my ankles turned into cankles. I was devastated! I was always so proud of my ankles. When the water retention finally went away I cried because I had that natural structure again. The curve, bone, muscle, tendon...soooo beautiful.

My ass. Ugh. Really. I've got a flat, wide ass. You know those kids that would yell wide load...yeah I really always deserved that. I always thought, you know if I had to have a giant ass couldn't it at least have some shape? Nope. I got screwed on that angle. Now add the miles of cellulite and I'm a real fucking sight to behold.

Finally my back. I have this thing about backs. Maybe it's the artist in me that can see the beauty in all the contours and find it soooo sexy. I don't know. But I do not have a sexy back. There aren't any contours, just lumps. I have this huge, beautiful dreamcatcher and I'm too scared to show it off...because of my back.

Now all this is just a general overview of my self disgust. It gets deeper and more intricate. But you know, I didn't want to bore you all or bring you down. Ha!

Until next time...