Saturday, February 21, 2009

Better than I deserved...

The past two weeks have been an emotional trainwreck for me. I have cried and screamed and become completely introverted. I've pushed away everyone that's ever meant anything to me, other than my son. I'm unhappy. And I made it all worse by letting the emotional rollercoaster make pit stops for food. Very frequent and heavy laden pit stops. Of nothing but the best tasting but worst for you foods. Pizza, candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc. It didn't help that my hormones started raging when TOM showed up.

I'm starting a rocky road (mmm....rocky road....damn it.) to recovery. I'm climbing back on that bandwagon, one baby step at a time. I'm determined to get back OP and get my ass back to work in the mornings, if I were 50 I'd totally sweat to the oldies with Richard Simmons....but I'm 25 so I'm going to rock the stripper with Carmen Electra. I've even treated myself to some 5 lb weights (I'd only had 3 lb weights), a little 3 lb ball, and an exercise ball. I'm kind of excited to use them, a little scared too.

This morning was WI. I missed my last two WIs and have treated my body like a punk bitch during that time so I was expecting, deserving, quite a gain. What I saw on the scale this morning stunned and awed me, even brought a couple tears to my eyes. I have officially said goodbye to the 230s. I can not remember the last time I stepped on a scale and saw a weight in the 220 range. I was a perfect 228 this morning. I lost 3.6 lbs and I so did not deserve it. I did not work out once, I ate nothing but shit. I did not deserve such an amazing loss over two weeks for what I did to myself. But I'm so grateful for it. It's a kick in the ass really. A big fuck you if you think about it...a wake up call from the fat girl fairy. If I don't get my ass in gear and get the fuck back OP then this will be the last undeserved loss I have. Not to mention, if I had treated my body the way I should have, maybe I would have had a better loss, not that what I have is anything to shake my head at.

Right now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the aftermath of my own trainwreck has been healed, or at least cleaned up. I can't handle any more pain right now. It's bad enough that I've lost 57 fucking pounds and still look in the mirror with disgust and sadness. I wonder if it'll ever change. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look in the mirror and see beauty...true, full, overall beauty. I want to see it. I really do. I'm begging to find the strength inside of me to see something worth fighting for, because right now I don't. At one point I actually thought to myself....57 lbs....big fucking deal. I'm still fat. It doesn't matter. And fuck me, it hurt thinking that of hurts still. I don't want to be a failure, I can't be a failure. Somebody me from myself because right now, I just don't know how.

I'm sorry, I know this post is all over the place...there's no filter really...from my mind to the keyboard. Sorry.


Dina said...

Great job on your loss! (even if it was undeserved).

And Sweating to the Oldies is a pretty fun workout, which is more than I can say for Carmen Electra (in my opinion anyway, she is BORING). And when you do Richard Simmons, there is the added bonus of feeling like you're the most in shape person in the world :)

You can totally do it, good luck!

Carlos said...

take the loss and learn the lesson. we all fall short of our expectations. we all disappoint ourselves. its what makes us human. it sounds like you have turned the corner on this side trip. good job.

Wendy Lou said...

57 pounds is quite an accomplishment!!! I worry too that I'll never look in the mirror and like what I see, but let's not get discouraged. At least, we'll be healthier weighing less right?

But as far as I can tell you have nothing to worry about. Good job not letting all the negative crap get to you. Stay on course my dear, we can do it!

Dina said...

Of course I read your blog silly!

Hope you're doing better :)