And I'm okay with that!

Stepped on the scale today and I'm up 1.4 lbs. And I'm okay with that! This may sound twisted but last week's loss was totally undeserved and I was disappointed that I couldn't see the damage I was doing to myself. If I don't see a gain what's going to stop me from completely destroying all the progress I made? My gain this week is totally deserved, and it's given me motivation to get off my sorry ass and get moving again, and to track track track track TRACK! I haven't tracked anything in the past three weeks! Last week I thought I would be able to pick myself up out of that binge mode and take care of business but I guess I just wasn't ready to yet. Now I am. I'm actually kind of excited by this gain and knowing that next week, when I see a loss, I'm going to have earned every ounce lost, even if it's only one. I know I sound a bit tarded but I don't give a shit, I feel better.

With that I'm off to eat my delicious cottage cheese, peaches, and whole wheat english muffin.

Hope all you bloggers out there have a kick ass day, or Wolfie will get you! Dun dun duuuuuuunnn....

Better than I deserved...

The past two weeks have been an emotional trainwreck for me. I have cried and screamed and become completely introverted. I've pushed away everyone that's ever meant anything to me, other than my son. I'm unhappy. And I made it all worse by letting the emotional rollercoaster make pit stops for food. Very frequent and heavy laden pit stops. Of nothing but the best tasting but worst for you foods. Pizza, candy, chocolate, ice cream, etc. It didn't help that my hormones started raging when TOM showed up.

I'm starting a rocky road (mmm....rocky road....damn it.) to recovery. I'm climbing back on that bandwagon, one baby step at a time. I'm determined to get back OP and get my ass back to work in the mornings, if I were 50 I'd totally sweat to the oldies with Richard Simmons....but I'm 25 so I'm going to rock the stripper with Carmen Electra. I've even treated myself to some 5 lb weights (I'd only had 3 lb weights), a little 3 lb ball, and an exercise ball. I'm kind of excited to use them, a little scared too.

This morning was WI. I missed my last two WIs and have treated my body like a punk bitch during that time so I was expecting, deserving, quite a gain. What I saw on the scale this morning stunned and awed me, even brought a couple tears to my eyes. I have officially said goodbye to the 230s. I can not remember the last time I stepped on a scale and saw a weight in the 220 range. I was a perfect 228 this morning. I lost 3.6 lbs and I so did not deserve it. I did not work out once, I ate nothing but shit. I did not deserve such an amazing loss over two weeks for what I did to myself. But I'm so grateful for it. It's a kick in the ass really. A big fuck you if you think about it...a wake up call from the fat girl fairy. If I don't get my ass in gear and get the fuck back OP then this will be the last undeserved loss I have. Not to mention, if I had treated my body the way I should have, maybe I would have had a better loss, not that what I have is anything to shake my head at.

Right now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the aftermath of my own trainwreck has been healed, or at least cleaned up. I can't handle any more pain right now. It's bad enough that I've lost 57 fucking pounds and still look in the mirror with disgust and sadness. I wonder if it'll ever change. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look in the mirror and see beauty...true, full, overall beauty. I want to see it. I really do. I'm begging to find the strength inside of me to see something worth fighting for, because right now I don't. At one point I actually thought to myself....57 lbs....big fucking deal. I'm still fat. It doesn't matter. And fuck me, it hurt thinking that of myself...it hurts still. I don't want to be a failure, I can't be a failure. Somebody please...save me from myself because right now, I just don't know how.

I'm sorry, I know this post is all over the place...there's no filter really...from my mind to the keyboard. Sorry.

Biggest Loser

First off thank you guys for your sweet comments on my tatty pic! I got the idea from a favorite band of mine, the Murder City Sparrows. On the ladies tee of theirs they have screened a pair of sparrows, very old school rock and roll. I loved the design and took it to the tatt shop and my artist (The very awesome Sully at Southside Tattoos in Calgary) wanted to make them a little more full bodied, but the essence of the original design is still there. I'm going to add some more to it later, and I'm quite surprised at how well they're healing!

I watched The Biggest Loser for the first time ever last night. It was some kind of motivation, let me tell you. I'm PMSing so I've been craving junk and eating junk and going over points without exercising. A bad combo for sure. As great as it is that these contestants are losing so much weight, the amount that they lose in the short period of time scares me and makes me wonder how healthy it really is. But it's a motivation nonetheless. What made me sad was seeing those that only lost 1-5 pounds upset with their loss. Any loss is a loss right? They're pushed to do the best and be the best and what they're left with is an awesome weight, half of it being loose floppy skin. I'd rather take the slow weight loss and gradual tightening of the skin then be left with something that NEEDS to be surgically removed.

Anyway, I got up this morning and with that motivation in mind got a high intensity half hour workout in, ate a healthy oatmeal and whole wheat toast breakfast, and got started on my housework. I already feel better for it. I'm going to cross my fingers that this bit of motivation will stay forefront in my mind to keep me going. I need it!

Becaue of my tattoo appt out of town, staying at someone else's home, and not knowing where the scale is, I missed my last WI. I doubt it was a good one, but I'm hoping this week will either keep me the same as my last official WI or drop me a bit. Thank you water retention and lack of total control during THAT time. Wish me luck!

For your viewing pleasure, here's a pic that my son and I took today

My new tatt!

More to come later, but I thought I'd share my pretty new sparrows!

I love my son but....

Sometimes I just can't believe the shit that the kid does. Last night Ian and I were brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed when I noticed the new bottle of shampoo I had given to Ian was nearly empty. Like 8/10ths of the bottle gone. I asked if that was the same one because the one I left out was full. He said he didn't know. And then the lightbulb switched on...Tony.

My beautiful, sweet, handsome, angelic little man had decided to make a bubble bath in the sink. Sure as shit I looked down the drain and there were still bubbles. We had a laugh because hey, it's kinda funny, and I said I would talk to him about it today. When Tony woke up and after he had breakfast I sent him up to get dressed and brush his teeth. I ran up to check on him and talk to him about the shampoo when I noticed he in fact hadn't even started brushing his teeth and this time there was purple shit smeared in the sink. I asked him what it was and he said he didn't know. I asked him again and he still denied knowing. Then I realized it's that purple Catwalk shit that I use to protect my hair from heat (blow drying and flat ironing, etc). Now I'm pissed, I look in the cup we leave up there and there's a 4 inch line of toothpaste that's been squeezed into it.

I'm floored! What is he thinking?! I ask him why and he starts crying instead of answering. This pisses me off more of course so now he's in his room and knows full well how mad I am. I've been pretty lucky so far, he's never really had phases like this before. But because he hasn't I'm now stuck wondering, what the hell do I do? How do I punish him for wasting this stuff? I could be really mean and dump all his toys on the floor like his father did then make him clean them up, again. I just don't know.

Any suggestions?

Up at 4 am!!! :-o

Okay so I hit the snooze for twenty minutes but I was still up ultra early! It's 6:30 now and I've already gotten in almost an hour workout, had myself a pear, poured myself a coffee, and am getting ready for my day. I still have loads of laundry to get done and some cleaning around the house, but I'm hoping that having to get up to make sure the hubby gets to work early is going to help me build a routine. Yes, even if that means getting up at 4 am or earlier.

I have set my weight goal for my Texas trip, it'd be nice to be into Onederland by then but if I'm just skirting 200 I'll be a happy camper! By then I'll have, weather permitting, a couple months of running beneath my belt and will take that home with me when I make my visit. I'm watching the news now, and according to our little groundhogs spring is just around the corner, I'd like to believe it, but I'm in Alberta. I doubt it, although it would be nice!

So far in 2009 my flypaper for freakness has been at an all time unsticky. Nice for me but not so nice for my readers lol. No freakiness means no funny stories. I think I'll have to start carrying around a notebook and writing down some of the funny things that happen to me, or that I do to myself. I am a klutz, running into doorways is kind of a regular thing. It's normal for me, but pretty funny for those that don't see it on a regular basis!

So my last weigh in on Saturday I dropped another 1.8 lbs. Yay! I have kicked the poo out of that plateau! I credit some of this to Tony, aka http://theantijared.blogspot.com/, I apologize, I don't know how to link a name :(. I'm sure all of my readers have hit up Tony's blog, but seeing what he's done for himself with the aid of exercise has really pushed me. I kept saying what if I could do better, be better? I hate working out, or at least I hate the idea of it. I love doing it while I'm doing it, I love the wonderfully sore muscles right after (the day after not so much lol), but gah...to get off my ass and do it? Never! Well never turned into at least four out of seven days, and then I lost over three pounds, the next week almost two. I think that kind of loss is enough to keep me moving. So thank you Tony!

Next Saturday I don't know if I'll be able to WI as usual. I'll be in Calgary for the weekend at a friend's sister's house. We're taking a girl's weekend and just givin 'er. Saturday we're both scheduled for tattoos, I'm soooo excited about this! I'm finally getting my sparrows on my chest. I'll post a pic of them next week, so keep an eye out!

I've also decided I want to at least post one blog a week, even just to update my progress etc. If possible I'll do more, but finding the time to come up with something to say can be hard sometimes. So MINIMUM one blog a week!

Until next time!

New goal...

I'm going to make this uber quick because it's too damn early in the morning for this. My goal is to hit 200 or slide into Onederland by the time I leave for Texas at the end of June. At a rate of 1.5 lbs lost per week that should be attainable, as long as I don't plateau again and I keep working my ass off. It's gonna happen!

I'll post more later...