Saturday, January 24, 2009

I did it!!!!!!!!!!

Finally finally finally!

Today I stepped on the scale and was rewarded...I've officially lost 51.6 lbs. I've finally crossed the 50 lbs threshold and I refuse to look back! I want to dance and sing (horribly and totally off key but I just lost 50 lbs so who gives a shit?!), I want to laugh and shop, but really, I kind of just want to cry too.

I have to keep saying it...I lost 50 lbs. I can hear people saying why the hell would you want to cry, it's great! Yeah but I lost 50 lbs. I'm more than a third of the way to my goal...but I still have a lot of work ahead of me...and I lost 50 lbs. I'm ecstatic, but fuck am I sad too. How did I get to a point where I needed to lose that much weight? Why on earth would I let me do that to myself? What the hell is wrong with me?!

And that darkness in my head takes over it all and turns something that should be wonderful and joyous into something where I find myself hanging my head in shame and choking back tears anyway. I end up hating myself more and I can't be proud of myself for what I've done but look in the mirror and yell at me to get to work and lose more because it's never going to be enough.

How do you stop it? The self abuse, the poisonous words, how do you stop it? I hope that one day I can figure that out, because I fear what I could become if I don't.


Carlos said...

hot damn! way to go... I try not to listen to the negative voices. except the one that tells me to choke out my annoying neighbor, I'm just saying...

Diana said...

Oh man! We sound like twins. I do exactly the same thing to myself. Kick myself in the head when I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm a glass half empty kind of gal. Hate that about myself.

Okay, you're doing awesome. 51.6 is nothing to sneeze at. It's pretty darn amazing.

A young woman in my WW meeting last night that has lost 133 pounds in 132 weeks said it best...even when you feel like giving up, even when you feel like you can't do it anymore, keep trying. Don't ever give up.

You hang in there...and I'll be back to check on you so keep posting!

Diana said...

Oh - and I added you to my blogroll. I like how you write. :)