doing what is not the norm

I need help. I'm seriously pleading for help here. I'm admitting it y'all, I can't do this alone. I saw 223.6 this morning. Every piece of disgusting unhealthy food I've shoved past my lips this past week has made me feel sick. Physically and emotionally.

This week we said goodbye to yet another family member. Ian's grandma's death has hit me much harder than I ever thought it would. I think part of it is just that she's the fifth beautiful family member to leave this earth since April. I can't say anymore goodbyes. I'm trying to keep myself together, but little by little I'm letting the overwhelming losses take over me and falling into old, bad habits. I'm isolating, internalizing, eating my way through.

The bright side of all this, I know what I'm doing. I've also come to a very quick realization that trying to do this alone just isn't working. So for those of you still reading my blathering....if you can find it in your heart, please. Someone help me.

disappointment

So, have you ever looked at someone that SHOULD be an inspiration, and known that they've worked incredibly hard for their success...but still said, well fuck. I'm a god damn loser. Have you?

I'm doing that now. I think maybe I need to seek some couselling or talk to a doctor about my energy levels. Is this normal? Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I've lost probably 3 lbs in the past three weeks. I'm still not at the weight I was maintaining. I'm sitting at a whopping 218.6.

Fuckity fuck.

Is there really truly a pot of skinny gold at the end of the rainbow, or are you all full of shit? It's gotta be me. I really can't be that paranoid that there's an entire community out there falsifying their weight loss successes....

or are you...
dun dun duuuuuuun