well crap

So Monday night I went out for coffee with one of my girls and ended up pinching a nerve or pulling a muscle or something in my back. I ended up in tears that night because it hurt soooo bad. It's now two days later and I'm just starting to get a decent range of motion back. That's two days out of three I haven't been able to work out. And tomorrow I'm going to let it slide again as well because I want to be sure I don't screw it up worse.

I've also been eating like crap. Emotional eating. I think it started Monday morning. I've just been FEELING uber fat lately. I look in the mirror and all I see is fat and hate. I've been trying to force myself to find something, anything, that I do like...and I just can't. I think it's making me even more emotional by pushing myself to see the good as well as the bad, because I just feel the bad is so much more than the good. It sucks.

So I've been on the downslide of this rollercoaster for some time. I have GOT to find a way to start climbing back up before it gets too far. Any suggestions anyone?

That bastard...

My hubby took my scale away and told me I couldn't workout today. The scale because I'm obsessed, the nix on working out....I fucked my back and was in tears last night because of it and I still am not able to completely move properly. This shit sucks.

Two pounds...

And I'm sure you can guess which way that went. I hate this rollercoaster. I hate my body. I refuse to completely give up because I can feel myself getting stronger, and I'd rather be strong and healthy and fat than thin and weak and starved. Ugh. I just wish something would change.

pilate-ing

Had a late start to the exercise today and felt a bit nauseous since I woke up this morning so I did an afternoon session of pilates. I still felt it, not nearly as much as the Shred but it was a good workout nonetheless. My son didn't want to be banished to his room for 30 minutes so he asked if he could workout with me. I had intended on Shredding, however he's a little too young for something like that, but I figured he could do the pilates with me, he's so cute. Just as inflexible as his father. It really truly warms my heart to see him try so hard though. What an angel.

Fatty McFatty Pants...

Yup, that's me.

I'm shopping around for a bridesmaid dress. Ugh. I've found one that I feel like an absolute princess in but it's like $500. Yeah...for a dress I'll wear once...and it's more than I spent on MY WEDDING DRESS! There's one similar but less foofy and less...well not beaded at all by Alfred Angelo. It still has the tucked style skirt and the corset laced back (which I ADORE) so I'm leaning toward that one. I have to say though...what is it with dress designers? I mean really. If my jeans are 16/18 why the fuck do I need to get a size fucking 24 dress?! And then, because it's a one piece dress not a separate I need to alter the fuck out of top half of the dress. You have no idea. Women are not made straight up and down damn it. Here I'll show you what I mean.

That's what I look like in Paint. For real dude. My hips and ass really look like that. Although my boobs are way better than those. Anyway, thus my dilemma. Let the hip out 1.5 inches, take the waist in 4 inches, take the boob in 2 inches. It's all kinds of fucked. You have no idea how much I hate my body. At least I get to pick out my own dress. I can't wear dresses that are cut anywhere near the knee...my legs are disgusting. Oh...and dilemma number two. The wedding is in October. I'm not giving up on the whole weight loss thing so, should I order the size I'm in now? A size smaller? What should I do? Anytime you have to alter it just messes shit up. I had nothing but problems with the last bridesmaid dress I had ordered and had to alter. And that fucker was a two piece!

Last week I lost my nut. Just completely went off. Couldn't sleep, texted the person that caused me to lose it and completely flipped out on him. He was like what the fuck, I was all like "Fuck you, you fucking cuntface whore I'm so fucking pissed I just want to break your fucking nose you fucking fuck!" For reals yo. I've gotten in touch with my violent side this week. She wants to kick some ass. I told hubby I should take some kickboxing classes and get the full use of a punching bag so that when I finally do physically go off on someone I don't lose control and kill them. I have a feeling one day I just....I'll lose control. It kind of scares me.

As for the weight loss...well...bumped up to level two of the Shred yesterday. My arm strength is for shit so this is definitely harder for me. But...it'll get me what I want in the end right? Eating...blah. I've been loading up on ice cream and candy and all kinds of starchy goodness. Just hope I break even this week.

Fatsucker

Down 3 lbs this week. Big woohoo...for now. we'll see how well the downward slope holds. It's really frustrating when you average a pound a freakin month. Seriously.

I need a new fat sucker. Mine is too big. Which is pretty sweet to be honest. I told my hubby this and he got all pissed off. Doesn't like what I call it, a fat sucker. Thinks it's me degrading myself. I had to explain to him that I wear the damn thing when I wear anything that is even remotely clingy. Because the fat sucker smoothes shit out, right? I don't want to be one of those fat girls you see walking down the street that have clothing that looks like it was painted on...and it isn't a pretty painting...at all.

I've been very very angry as of late. Very angry, very hurt, and very nearly ready to unleash it on the proper person. Which means a day trip to Calgary. Yup. And the bastard will be well lucky if he doesn't lose a few teeth. I hate the way I am sometimes. I'd rather have someone push me away and tell me to fuck off than to walk away from them. It's where I am right now. Can't walk away, can't let go, until cuntface tells me to. I hate him for the way I feel right now because I know it's all a direct cause from his actions.

Penal genders suck.

This is getting a bit redundant...

Seriously. Down another 0.2 today. So I'm back to an even 63 total lost. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not angry this time...just....whatever man. I'm just kind of shrugging it off. It's getting old, you know? However, I took measurements and have lost another couple inches so...woohoo?

In another 2-3 weeks if I don't start seeing some better numbers on the scale...I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep shredding my ass off, but I'm sticking to level one (I just upped the size of my hand weights) until it's really really easy. Seriously...I don't want to almost die again.

Huh...I say seriously a lot. I've also been saying etcetera and motherfucker a lot lately too.

Yeah...