A whole lot of eatin goin on!

Okay so I've been shredding every day except for my normal days off (Saturday and Sunday) and then I took today off because honestly...just didn't want to do it. Oh well. It's on me right? Anyway, I've been noticing that when I do work out I'm sooooo much hungrier during the day, what the fuck's with that?!

I've been eating loads and lots of garbage on top of that. Empty calories galore! So I've gotta get control of this, since I've started ebbing in the weight loss department and my stress and emotional levels have risen (wl ebbing being the first to happen) I've been eating like shit. Barely keeping myself maintained. It's time to jump things up a bit. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be gaining again this week, not only because of the crap I've been eating but also because of the shredding. Seriously, I haven't worked strength type workouts in eons. So I've gotta be building muscle, and that's going to show a gain, right? Oh well. I'll have to suck it up and move on.

For the next while I'll be staying away from the empty calories. No more frozen yogurt, no more baked chips, nothing that doesn't have some kind of nutritional benefit. If I don't end up losing the weight...well I don't know. The positive part of me wants to say oh well, at least I'll be healthier, the negative and more vocal part of me will say fuck it and eat the damned chips.

Let's just see how this shit rolls out...

Rollercoaster...

Man...now I have RHCP's 'Rollercoaster of Love'...I'm so not diggin it.

Last night I melted down. Completely. Like body vibrating sobs. I've had enough. Of course I was s-m-r-t smart and stepped on the scale before crawling into bed. The number I saw made me so angry, so sad, so hateful...disgusted, scared, and damn it, I feel like a failure. A big, fat, disgusting blob of a failure.

As I sobbed to the hubby I told him that if I don't see a loss in at least inches today then I'm done. I'm tossing in the white flag and saying fine, fuck it, I CAN NOT DO IT! Is it really worth it if it takes me six fucking months to lose 10 lbs? Really? He said yes, I don't know if I agree with him but...whatever.

So this morning back on the scale for the official WI. Up 0.6lbs. Well, at least it wasn't the 3.5 I was fearing last night. Measurements showed a 2 inch loss in a month. I don't know, is that good? Is it worth it? Fuck man. I'm at a point, the first time I'm pretty sure since I started WW, that I'm really truly ready to throw in the towel and say fuck it. I can't fucking do this roller coaster anymore. Down one week up the next. One step forward, two steps back. I told Dina in an e-mail, I think I'm delving into virgin fat now. Does that make a difference? I don't know. But it sure as hell feels like I'm never going to see a number below 200, much less my goal. And I wonder now, is my goal even realistic? For me? I don't think my body wants to let go of the weight, no matter how much I do.

When I was talking to DH he got on me about tracking. I haven't been. What I've been doing is barely eating. Maybe I'm not eating enough? Fuck I don't know. I find the whole "not eating enough" thing hard to believe but....whatever. Back to tracking. Everything.

So how long do I give it? Another month? Six months? Year, two years? How long do I keep pushing myself before I give in? Emotionally...fuck I don't know how much more I can handle before I really lose it.

Hope your Saturday morning's better than mine.

Support

Thank you, all of you, for your awesome support and encouragement! Times like today I really really need it.

I gotta ask though, how much freakin water weight can my body retain?! Ugh...stupid water. I hope it's just water anyway!

Day 1 of 30 Day Shred down...and I'll tell ya that Jillian Michaels is one crazy bitch. But I like it. So it's all good.

Tantrum comin on...

I feel like belting out a good ol' WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK! and breaking shit. No really.

With everything that I've been dealing with the past few weeks I really just want to break shit, or hit someone. One someone in particular but....yeah.

Well I've turned into a bit of a scale obssessor. On the scale night and day. Literally, before bed and as soon as my ass crawls out in the morning. Tomorrow is official WI day but stepped on the scale this morning and I'm up from last week by 0.6 lbs. Are you fucking kidding me?! I have worked out this week, nearly religiously, and I feel like I'm eating only when my hunger triggers now, which is great, watching my portion sizes etc. Why is it when I follow the fucking rules I GAIN?! At this point I'm ready to say fuck you cuntface to the rules and find a way to semi-starve myself but not move my ass off the fucking couch and watch the pounds just melt away. Tomorrow along with WI I'll be taking my measurements...and I tell you what, if I don't see some kind of improvement there I'm going to throw one hell of a two year old tantrum.

Fuck!

Down

1.8 this week, good number but since I was up 1.6 last week it isn't anything to dance about. Oh well, I'll get em next week!

Comparison...

Okay this is something new to me...I don't post full pics of myself, I don't even take full pics of myself....EVER!

This pic was taken a few years ago, probably four, my guess is it's at my highest weight, like I said I never stepped on the scale until I started WW.

I still curse Ian's grandma for snagging that disgusting pic. The worst part of it was I thought I looked kinda cute, ya know?

Here are a couple pics I took today. I really don't like that none of my shirts show I have a waist. However my ass and hips are wide enough that I guess it's ok.

discouraged

I went through some old pics today. Really old pics. I remember the days they were taken, I remember telling myself that I was a big girl but I was still beautiful. I look at them now, so many pounds later, and ask myself what the hell was I thinking? How could I ever have led myself to believe that shit? And that's what it is...total bullshit.

My biggest fear is that I look at those pictures and I look at me now, and I don't see a difference. I don't! In my eyes nothing has changed. I'm still that morbidly obese girl. I'm terrified that once I hit my goal weight I'm still not going to see a change. What then? In junior high and high school I dabbled with anorexia, the whole point of me joining WW is that I didn't want to get unhealthy in my journey. What happens when I'm at a healthy weight and still see this roly poly fat girl in the mirror? Is that the point that I find myself no longer dabbling with anorexia but fall fully into the black hole? How do I get out of this mindset?

I'll admit, this attempt at weight loss isn't purely health revolved. There's a touch of vanity to it as well. I would like to be able to look in the mirror one day and smile, truly smile, because I'm beautiful. I'd like to go back to those small towns that tortured me when I was a kid, as a person nearly half the weight of what I was, and tell those fuckers to go to hell.

It's been a little over a year since I started WW. Since I started I've lost 61 lbs, and a total of 28 inches. I've rediscovered a love of movement and have ventured outside for pleasure again, rather than necessity. However, I feel it isn't enough. I feel like I'm a big fat failure. I see all these other people, absolute inspirations, that have lost 100+ lbs in the same amount of time, and I feel lost. Why can't I be that dedicated and strict? Does it mean that I'm not dedicated at all because this is all I've lost?

My screen name on MSN for the time being is Bipolar Betty...this week I'm truly feelin it.

I hope this post finds you all well, happy, healthy, and secure in everything you do.