Helpless

Last night was so bipolar. I got to talk to a friend I hadn't spoken to since at least 1999, it was wonderful catching up with her! I'm looking forward to calling her again today.

However as sooon as I hung up the phone and hopped on facebook before heading to bed my sister popped up and asked if I was around still. She ended up calling me and telling me that things had gotten bad between her and her hubby, he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore and she gave him back her wedding rings. We both know that it's more than that though. He's giving up because of much more than her.

Of course this is one of those reasons I hate living so far away. My sister does not cry. She does not call, reach out, ask for help. So for her to do any of this...it's bad. I feel that she needs me and I can't be there for her.

Ian and I have been saving up Air Miles for a very long time now, waiting until we got enough packed away that we could go somewhere a little tropical. It seems this may be the only way I'm able to go home. The only problem is I won't be able to fly out until at least the 25th as I've got the next two weekends booked up with work, and Air Miles wants at least 7 day advance booking. So I'm waiting, very impatiently, to hear from my sis. If she doesn't want me there, then there's no point in going. If she needs me now, is 20 days too late?

I hate this waiting game.

For Tammy

So I told her I'd post my measurements since the not nearly 30 day shred off...haven't yet, so here they are Tam!

Nov 30/2009
Arm: 14.75
Chest: 42.25
Waist: 39.25
Hip: 52
Thigh: 26.50
Calf: 16

Jan 2/2010
Arm: 14
Chest: 42
Waist: 38.50
Hip: 50.75
Thigh: 26
Calf: 16

Inches lost
Arm: 0.75
Chest: 0.25
Waist: 0.75
Hip: 1.25
Thigh: 0.50
Calf: 0

Total inches lost: 3.5

As for weight? Only a loss of 0.8 lbs. Fucking gay.

I hope getting back on with my tracking and working out with the bootcamp 6 days a week will speed shit up. I'm sick of maintaining!

PS: Yes, my hips really are that big. I can't believe how fat I am. Fucking hips.

Stay at home mom

So I got a nudge from a fellow blogger that I hadn't posted in a while...here's a bit of an update.

Eating: ok
Exercise: it's on like donkey kong!
Work: My husband fired me. Yeah. He says it's just cuz we can't work together, I think it's because he feels that I'm not moving fast enough for him, I feel he hasn't given me a real chance. But how could he when I don't work every day of the week...he fired me after working one day with him after nearly four weeks off. Go figure. So I'm a stay at home mom again. I'm still casual with the biker shop so I've got two weekends lined up that I'm working shows this month. I'm working only a few hours for the Edmonton show but the following weekend I'll be heading down for 30 hrs in 3 days in Red Deer. I'm pretty stoked! I've always loved working bike shows, love the atmosphere, love the people, and from what I've been told Red Deer is one of the biggest shows. Bring on the commission y'all!
Emotional Health: Meh

So far this week has been pretty fucking shitty. I'll deal with it though. I'll get through this.

On a positive note my comp is back up to a point where I am able to access WW Online without fearing my stored credit card info will be kifed. So I'm back to tracking!!! This means I should no longer be stuck in maintenance mode. Seriously, I think once I get to where I want to be...I'll be able to maintain no problem. I've been doing it for months!

I'm really loving this bootcamp DVD that Tammy got for me. I'm still in level one but have just started keeping constant with it on this past Monday so I'll stay there for a bit, however the 3 lbs weights I've been using have just felt way too light so I bumped up to the 5. I still feel like I'm getting a far better lower body workout than upper (my ass is killin me y'all!) but Tammy warned me about level two so I'm counting on my arms burnin like mad once I get there.

For now, that's all she wrote.

2010, blogroll, etc

So with my last post and my excitement for 2010 will bring...I've decided it's time to clear out some of my blogroll. I've been following a shit ton of blogs since I started and probably only 15 people are still blogging.

However, I've come to this decision over one person who has just started, and blogs nearly every day. I came to this because he makes me very very angry. A girlfriend of mine told me last night that I have anger issues...well that may be, but when I want to throw my computer monitor out the window because some guy blah blahs about bullshit, it's time to stop reading.

The sad thing is I was led to his blog because I was told it was heartbreaking, so I started commenting, at first it was encouraging, I was trying to help, reaching out, etc. Then I started getting snarky, stopping just short of saying "QUIT BEING A FUCKING TOOL YOU D-BAG IDIOT" because I really really wanted to.

If you're curious...just e-mail, I'll tell ya.

For a special girl I know...

There's this girl I know, that told me not so very long ago that she was giving up. That she HAD given up. I can't let that be ok. Why? Because I'm there hon. I've walked that line. My stats seem pretty great. Sort of. I just took a look at a bit of my past on this blogger thing.

My first post was on June 12/2008. I was ten weeks into my journey, not very long at all. I had lost 20 lbs by that point. Not too shabby eh? January 10/2009 I weighed in at 237. My most recent WI has me at 209. Giving me a loss of only 28 lbs. For a whole year! That's all I've done?! If that isn't enough to get me to give up, I sure don't know what is. Let's take a look at some pictoral progress...

This was taken sometime in the summer of 2007. And stupid me, I thought I was kinda cute.



This was Jan. of 2008, a couple months before I decided it was time. I'll let you know now, I don't take full body pictures. If I manage to find any for this post...you'll be lucky.



This was taken at my little brother's wedding, July 26/2008.



This was taken October of 2008. I don't remember the occasion, but I thought I was cute.




Feb 2009, look at my fat face




March of 2009...real attractive.



June 28/2009...this is why I don't take pictures unless hair and makeup is done. Seriously.



August of 2009, first time I ever saw a picture of me taken by someone else where I didn't have three chins!



Oct 2009



Halloween 2009, also the first time I ever left the house (ever in my life) in a dress this short...



And finally my most recent...this was taken on Christmas eve...



And that's it my friends. Does it look like anything special? Hell no. Nearly two fucking years and I've lost a whopping 75 lbs. And gained god knows how much because I'm not a nazi. I'm on a roller coaster. Insert a big le sigh here.

Now I knew then that it was going to take time. I figured 18 months tops to be at goal. If I knew then that nearly two years down I wouldn't even have seen the underside of 200 would I have kept going? Would I even have started?

Yeah...I think I would. It would have been a lot harder to handle. But 2010 finds me a much healthier, far more active girl. It's a long road, but it's worth every hurdle, every back slide and every fucking struggle to get back on the right path. Because now it doesn't kill me to run with my kid..well mostly. But I can walk straighter, keep my head a bit higher, I can actually feel like I've accomplished something. I can breathe better, sleep better, sit better...everything.

It's worth it girl. Never give up. We're in this for the long haul. I hope not so long for you as it has been for me...but even if it is, it'll be worth it, and I'll be right here with you.

Tagged!

And I'm not talking about that beautiful grafiti on the side of a train, I mean this chick Julia decided she wanted to know the top ten things that make me happy. Funny enough, a lot of them coincide with hers!

1. My son. Come on now, y'all had to see that coming. Without him my life would have no meaning.

2. Singing. No lie. I used to sing really well, in choir, did solo ensemble, all that shit. I can't sing for shit now but I don't care. I loooooove to sing. And I generally sing to either match or alter my mood. Music is hugely influential in my life, especially emotionally.

3. Being home and smelling the rain. This may sound weird to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I was born in Texas, raised in Wisconsin, and spent every summer until my 17th in Texas with my grandparents. I've smelled the rain in both of these states and as alike as rain should smell, somehow the scent of it on concrete always brings me back to Texas. The scent of a wet grass and tress and I'm right back in Wisconsin. It's peace and beauty to me.

4. Spending time with my "sister". Yeah yeah quotes, blah. She's not blood. She's chosen. And she represents everything that defines a sister to me. We can sit and not speak a word to each other, and be ok with it. We can get into a heated debate and argue for hours, smoking and drinking coffee, and end the argument laughing. She's my best friend. I love her.

5. Hitting concerts. Self explanatory really. If you haven't experienced, or haven't paid attention, to the atmosphere of an amazing show, I dare you to. Stand at a show and FEEL it. Don't just listen, don't just be part of the herd, FEEL it. It will change your life. I promise.

6. Watching tornado movies with my son. He's just as into them as I am now, only he hasn't experienced one yet. This summer we'll be heading to Texas for a week, either it's going to scare the shit out of him or he'll want to move to Tornado Alley and chase storms when he grows up!

7. Listening to my son sing. I pray that he has my (or what I had anyway) talent, and that he uses it to his full ability. He is only five and has a wonderful appreciation of music. Let's hope it sticks!

8. Like Julia, I love the sun! People give me shit for moving to Canada and now I give my hubby shit for not moving us to Texas. I'm telling you, I have setbacks every winter because of a lack of sunlight. With the cold and snow and gloom...I just want to curl up and hibernate. I was probably a bear in a past life.

9. I love to laugh. I haven't laughed enough lately. I miss home. I laugh so much when I'm back with my family and friends in Wisconsin.

10. Love. And it doesn't have to be a romantic love. This is one of the reason bitches hate me and men misunderstand me. I can love you, and tell you I love you, without wanting to fuck you. Get it? But yeah, I love love. I love caring for someone and knowing they care about me. I love giving all of myself, the only thing I fear is getting burned. But...it only makes you stronger right?

Anyway. Here's my list. Now apparently I'm supposed to tag 10 more people or some shit, but I won't. Yeah I'ma cop out. Think about how happy it might make you to post and think about what MAKES you happy though...sometimes that's all it takes to put a smile on your grouch ass face.

<3

Wow!

Just finished my first bootcamp workout. Let me tell you, during the workout it didn't seem so bad, during cooldown it all hit me. I'm hot, sweaty, and ready to shower then die, it was FREAKING AWESOME!

I love you Tammy! haha