Shred off Day 1 (or 2?)

Alright dudes and dudettes, I completed today's Shred without feeling like I was going to go to the dark side, woohoo! I actually felt pretty good after today's shred, and had a nice bowl of oatmeal after my workout. Cam you asked if I eat before my workout, I do not. I can't eat before a workout. I know I know it's not the best idea in the world but I know if I don't get up and get my workout done...it WILL NOT get done at all. So I just do it yo. Then I eat.

I've been setting the alarm for 4:30 am hoping that I can snooze my way to getting up at 5 am. I'm still averaging about 5:15 that I start my workout and that's just too damn late. I hate rushing to get lunches made and get my shower in and get ready for work and all that shit, and it seems like I get frantic doing that after my workout.

So, no body love pics as of yet, although maybe through my most recent progress pics taken this morning I can just pick something out of them. I need to get on it yo! And my hubby dearest needs to get the damn necropsy pictures off my camera. I'd have been more apt to take tons of self love pics and pic from any one of them but with the necro pics there's no way dude. I don't want to see froggy innards. The only reason I took the damn progress pics was because I told Tammy it's the easiest way to SEE the results...and it's true!

So to reveal my horrible disgusting befores:





Ok...nope. There's nothin I can do to pull some positive out of those pics. And I swear if you judge me I will find you and break your damn nose.

Now for more ugliness...my measurements:

Arm: 14 3/4
Chest: 42 1/4
Waist: 39 1/4
Hip: 52 (I think I'm going to puke)
Thigh: 26 1/2
Calf: 16

There it is, all my shame in all its fatty glory. Jillian better kick my ass this month.

Until next time...

Shred Eve

So I did some Shred this morning to prep for my next 30 days and Shredding with Tammy and Co.

After I was done getting the kidlet up and started putting some grapes into a bowl to wash for breakfast, I nearly hit the ground. Yup, everything turned a hazy black. So I had to sit down and felt really odd for the rest of the day, until I ate more substantial food. Maybe that's a hint?

Tonester lost another tooth yesterday, my baby's gettin so big!

I'd show you some lovey type pic, however my hubby's got necropsy pics on the camera and I just refuse to upload those. He needs to take care of it tonight though because I need to get a progress pic up tomorrow.

Oh and Tammy...in less than twelve hours IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

The definition of insanity...

Is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Something's gotta change. So I lost a little this week, big deal, I'm still five pounds heavier than I was at one point in my journey and this is soooo not where I want to be right now. Thanks to a few fellow bloggers I've decided that my journey is no longer about weight loss, but also about learning to love myself.

It's so often that I look in the mirror, or look down at myself, and feel nothing but hatred and shame. The last time I remember looking at myself and being ok with who I was and what I looked like I was seventeen years old. That was a long ass time ago. After nearly ten years of falling back into the black hole of doom and spouting venom and toxicity at myself I find that mentally and emotionally I just can no longer take the self abuse. It's not right, so today is the day that I begin another life changing journey, the one that will hopefully take my self hate and turn it into...if not love then an appreciation of what and who I am.

The first step is blogging more often. It doesn't seem like much, but when I feel I have nothing to say, nothing positive, nothing negative, just...nothing, then I don't say anything at all. I don't know that I can promise any amount of blogs, but I know I need to do it far more often. It can be very therapeutic.

The next is posting pictures. Pictures of good things, of bad, of anything. I've seen some body love pics, and I sooo envy the women that have done that. Maybe I can get some courage up to do something similar myself. I'd like to post pictures of certain things on my body that I do love. But one at a time. Progress pictures are a must!

Another thing I need to do is go shopping. I know, haha, I'm a woman and women feel the need to shop. It isn't that. I'm still hiding in my clothing. When I was in Wisconsin my cousin told me that she feels like since I've lost weight I'm hiding my body more than ever. What's with that?! Shouldn't I be proud and happy to show myself off? I'm not though. I'm not done yet, I'm not ready to reveal. But I've also discovered that in hiding my body now, I don't appreciate how far I've come or the changes that should be quite visible. It's time to come out of my shell and stop dressing like I did at 285 lbs.

So with all that being said I'm going to make these changes. Whenever I have some quiet time I WILL blog. Whenever I see something that I like, I will post pictures. When I see something I don't like, I'll find something about it that is better than before, and then post a picture of that. I'm going to make these changes, I'm going to learn. It may take me a while...but I'll get there.

Down

2.8, blog to come tonight as soon as I have some delish quiet time!!!

Funny isn't it?

How quickly something happens and as insignificant it may seem it can damage any pride and progress you may have made.

Last night hubby was especially cranky. He had a few rounds at me that normally I would have jumped at the chance to fight back, we all know my temper, but somehow had me so stumped and hurt that I just couldn't. You see I didn't know then, nor do I know now, what it was that caused his toddler sized fits.

Then this morning I woke up in a mound of pain and just utterly feeling like shite that I decided I needed a sick day. I felt that maybe it were better if I didn't go to work with Ian, even moreso when I discovered TOM had made an early appearance and decided to kill me with cramps. Oh yeah, TMI, I don't give no shit. I'm a woman, it's just the way it goes.

I tried to stay in bed and just keep resting while I could as I knew that hubby knew I was staying home, but he refused to get out of bed and get my kidlet fed and ready for school so, as there's no rest for the wicked, I was up and taking care of business as usual. It kept crossing my mind that I should really get my Shred in, but I couldn't find the motivation. I'd even thought, hey I know I feel like shit but I should clean the house. It was the perfect opportunity. I got the whole day to myself so why not take advantage right? Right. I stayed in my jammers until an hour before I had to pick Tony up from school.

Today I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I know 80 percent of this is hormone-ays talking...but just for today, I lost.

I know tomorrow is a new day, I know tomorrow I can start over, but if I'm this loser-ish now, what's going to happen in December when Tammy and I do our Shred off? Will I flake all losery then too?

Fuckin fuck.

'Merican Thanksgiving!

Hey all, down 0.8 this week. Not great, but definitely not the slap in the face of the 1 lb gain and the 0.2 loss of the past couple weeks.

Tonight my in laws are holding an American Thanksgiving dinner for me, how sweet is that?! Generally I find myself missing both so a few years ago I started having one for American Thanksgiving. I only indulged in Turkey once a year, and I love turkey. I made sure I had my damn Turkey! Ha!

I'm looking forward to tonight's dinner, although it'd never compare to my mom's or even my own. Canadians cook so differently!

Hope this finds everyone well :)

Not so happy hump day

It's a new record my friends. I think I was all happy go lucky for two freakin days.

Last night, yeah yeah I'm one of those, I stepped on the scale and saw 217. I seriously almost started crying. Stepped on this morning and saw 215, and then I got angry. Big surprise right. I swear if that fucking scale had a face I'd punch it right in its nose.

I'm finally getting more work in as Ian's caught up, and I've been working my ass off with my workouts. Shredding every morning then pilates at night, with the exception of Tuesdays. It's shit like the stupid vaginaface scale that keeps me from enjoying working out. How the fuck are those numbers going up? How is it that I can barely move my ass from the fucking couch and drop 1-2 lbs a week? Before I left for WI I was down to 205. What the fucking fuck?!

Today is a bad bad day....bad day.