The long hard road out of hell...

I seriously need to do some bloggy catching up, holy there were a lot of updates!

Down 1 lbs this week. Not great, not what I was shooting for, but not bad considering this week was PMS water retention week. I can't wait to see what the scales bring next WI. Will I finally see the 75 lbs loss? Fuck I hope so!

I'm so tired, so hurting. Work is no longer fun. It is now a job. This is not what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't not go "fuck yeah man I want to work in retail when I grow up!"...no I wanted to be on the radio. I did things differently, got married at 18, had a kid at 20, moved to a different country at 17 so that kind of nixed the college idea. Oh well.

Hubby keeps telling me to sell cars, I keep telling him if he doesn't shut his mouth his face is going to meet my fist. I don't give a fuck if I'm good at selling shit. I hate people and I don't want to put on the phony smile anymore. I'm sick of people pushing for discounts, pretending they're joking, and giving that wink wink nudge nudge. Fuck you asshole, you get no discount! I don't own the joint...it isn't up to me.

Bah. Sometimes I enjoy it, I think it's mostly when I get to work with my regional manager. I'm just really sick of this. I don't want to be there anymore.

I'm officially counting down to home time!

68 days to lose 17.2 lbs...that's 1.9 lbs a week. I'm going to work my ass off to pull this shit off! Wish me luck!

Ok so with the help of a few very encouraging people, and a good hard cry at my meeting Tuesday night I'm finally starting to pull out of the dreaded black hole. Woohoo! With that I'd like to share some stuff that's happened over the past few days.

Wednesday my baby had his first sleepover at a friend's house. I think this is when the depression started, only I wish I had seen it then, and assured myself that my son's not growing up and leaving me yet. It doesn't scare me when he stays overnight at his Oma's, I miss him but not to the point that my heart aches. This time it did. Fuck did I miss that mouthy, toothy grinned kid. Capital Ex has rolled into Edmonton and Thursday was the morning of the parade so Tony and his little buddy and little buddy's mom went to the parade. Ian and I didn't have to be around until 3pm to pick the kidlet up so we went for a drive. I needed to get the hell out of the house. That usually happens when I start falling, I get claustrophobic in my home. So we went for this drive out to Alberta Beach, I'd never been there but have looked at plenty of homes for sale out there. Walking into the little bar there had me instantly feeling nostalgic for home. Small town Wisconsin...god I miss it. And yes the beach had a spattering of people but in comparison to my townhouse complex it was quiet, and I really really needed that quiet. We had lunch at a bar and walked up the pier then had just enough time to get back to E-town to get the Tonester. As soon as we were home all I could hear was the little ghetto kids in the open area behind my house screaming. I swear I can feel that sound straight to my bones and it makes me want to throw shit and scream. A facebook quiz said I'm going to be a "scary old woman" when I get older. I can see that shit, for real.

Friday morning I woke and I still wasn't ok. Now I didn't expect the depression to lift right away but usually a day or two and I'm starting to feel a bit better, starting to creep out of my isolation, not Friday. Friday I wanted to stab all the little screaming kids in their eyes. So I had hubby take us for a walk out in the middle of no where (Hasse Lake to be exact), on a 1.6 km loop. Nothing big but we'd also made an appt to go horseback riding at a stable close by and had to make this loop in less than 45 minutes. There's a place out here called Wagner Bog, it's this pretty little nature reserve that takes you through a 1.7 km loop and through pretty much every natural habitat, it's very beautiful. We take this normally just at a leisurely stroll though and stop and take pictures, look at flowers, look for frogs and tadpoles and salamanders. That walk usually takes us 45 minutes alone so when Ian suggested the 1.6km I panicked. I was NOT missing my horseback ride damn it. So we plowed through and finished in 15-20 minutes. I was surprised and kind of proud. I didn't know if that was good time, but it felt good to me. Off to get some water then on to the stables.

Somehow I always get stuck with the spooky horse and Ian gets the nag that likes to go her own way. Which was good for this ride because he had Tony doubled up with him. My horse had attitude, she snorted and huffed almost the entire way, then when Ian's horse got too close after taking a couple pics the shit decided to start bucking and getting ready to haul off. I of course had my hands no where near the reins or horn so I squeaked and nearly dropped my camera, I know, not so badass...but I didn't fall off damn it! It was a beautiful ride under the hot hot sun, I loved the smell of the trees and greenery. It wasn't as satisfying (or terrifying) as riding in the mountains, but oh it was good. I really loved the silence. I feel lately that my whole world is getting noised out, and I really really just needed that quiet. However the hour was up soon and as we went to tie up the horse I needed the stool again to get down. Fuck you I'm of midget height...I need a stool damn it. It was a white rubbermaid type stool...and the damn horse spooked at it. So I had to wait for Ian to get behind me, you know, just in case. I ended up losing footing anyway because my knees just wanted to give out. I fell against the horse and then kind of huffed when she didn't budge. Oh yeah you get a fatty flying against you and you're fine, god forbid the scary white stool get near you though. For three days after...I felt like an 80 lbs virgin that got a pounding from Tommy Lee. No lie. To the bone man I was hurtin. It was cool though and I'll definitely be doing it again!

(This is the only time you'll ever see my fat ass...so enjoy the view!)

Saturday I worked, it was slow and sucky. And I like the girl I work with, for the most part, but the bitch doesn't shut the fuck up...so that got old quick, especially when I didn't want to be around people at all anyway. I was off at five and since I'd had plans to work with Ian on Sunday we dropped the kidlet off at the in law's and did a little late night Wally World shopping. I think it was about 9 pm that night we had a rip roaring storm come in. Afterwards I'd hear there was something like 90+ mph winds...equivalent to an F1 tornado. Sweet! Power went out so we watched the wicked storm from our bedroom window then crashed. We really didn't think it was that bad though...until I took the Tonester through Rundle Park and saw the damage.

Sunday I helped put up frostwalls in a basement. Honestly, this is what I want to do now. I want to work with my hubby after Tony starts school. Once I have my own tools and get over my fear of the Hilti and the chop saw I'll be kickin ass man. Really! We picked Tony up and since power was still out as far as we knew, after work, we went out to eat and that's when I polished off the rest of my weekly flex points. Got home and power was back. I felt like a big fat stupid failure.

Monday...yeah I don't remember what I did on Monday. Like at all.

Tuesday I had a meeting, I love those meetings. I screamed and cried and hated and it was good. Also took Tony to the Royal Alberta Museum. Good times!

Yesterday I took Tony to the Muttart Conservatory. And this is where I found my light...finally. I'm out of the black hole! Thanks for putting up with my shit!