Just to clarify...

When I say -4.5 flex...I mean for the week. Like in the past couple days I've had my 28 pts each day but 39.5 extra points spread over the two days. TWO DAYS!

I'm swimming in hate.

I'm so utterly depressed.

Double Fail!

I suck.

Gained 3.8....yup every single fucking pound I lost the week that I ate nothing but garbage. Last week I worked out every day and stayed within my weekly points.

I suck.

It's day two into my new week and I'm already -4.5 flex points.

I suck.

I think it's time to go into seclusion and beat myself up.

Fuck that diet yo!

Ok so last week was messed up. I kept saying, "Today I'm going to stay within my points." I tried...epic fail. Fajitas two nights in a row, unbaked tortilla chips with delicious bean dip (aka skillet queso at Chili's), ice cream. Just...fail.

So I told myself, look dillhole you wanna be under 200 when you go to your mom's wedding, so fucking get your lazy fat fucking ass in gear! I was set to start kicking ass starting yesterday after WI. After stepping on the scale and seeing a much undeserved 3.8 lbs loss (bringing me to a total of 72 lbs lost!!!) it just pushed me forward. Well maybe not enough. We went to the in law's to watch the fights last night. Lots of fun, but these guys aren't dieters. I knew we were supposed to be ordering pizza so I brought a spinach salad (yummy) and kept the points down over the morning and afternoon so I could indulge in one or two pieces without feeling guilty then load up on the delish spinach salad.

Epic epic fail.

I had four pieces. FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIILLLL!!!

I also had snacked on some chips and salsa, also unbaked. Ugh.

However, I've got all week to work that shit off.

When I first set my little mini goal it was for me to WI at 200. If I was under even better, but goal was 200. Since the sweet loss last week I've upped it by only five lbs. I want to be at 195 (a number I haven't seen since I was probably four. Ok maybe not but still...it's been forever!). In order to do that I need to lose 17.8 lbs with the final WI being October 3. I need to lose 1.5 lbs a week. Actually a teensy bit less but whatever. Rounding up.

Since I haven't seen my family or friends back home, nor have I told most of them about my weight loss (as I totally would have jinxed myself), I can't wait to show up and just be like...hells yeah bitches, check me out! Although if my mother points out to me again that she's a tiny 125 lbs I'll have to send her down the aisle covered in bruises (there's your something blue bitch!...seriously I love my mom).

As I'm working only casually now, no more weekends slinging biker gear for me (ok well today and August long), I definitely need to get my butt back into workout mode. You don't realize how even two days of running your ass off in a store helps in the WL area. It sure does though. So I think if I set myself up for working out Mon-Fri, when I haven't worked out regularly in weeks, I'll completely fail again. So Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri it is. Then I'll bring in Wednesday after a few weeks. I'm also getting back in the habit of tracking tracking tracking!!!

No more free days either. They weren't free for alls, more like a guiltless Saturday. No more. That shit is getting tracked, and if it doesn't fit, no yummies for me.

On another note, the smartmouthed, freakishly funny Carlos once told me that we need to start seeing ourselves through loving eyes. I totally agree. And I finally figured out that this is why I always ask WHY. I have a few male friends that find me attractive. I look in the mirror, tell them they're absolutely insane...or blind, then give them the finger. I appreciate the sentiment but heartily refuse to believe it. I've been asking why though for years. A lot of men think it's me being egotistical or...I don't know...something not right, not good, whatever. I figured out it's because I'm aching to see myself through their eyes. Maybe if I see myself through their eyes, I'll start to believe them. I'll start to see it too...I just don't understand why, and I need to.

Anyway...there's my shit for the day :)

Boobs

Was going through my blog roll and my husband grabbed the camera and tried to get a sneaky shot of my tits.

Kind of hard to do when the camera's two inches from my face pointed down my shirt.

It's lucky he's got a cute butt...cuz he's not so smart sometimes.

Just thought I'd share :)

Logic?

Down .2 this week.

I didn't work out and was shit for tracking.

Where the hell's the logic in that?

Thank you

So yeah, just wanted to drop a thanks to all of you...

I love the support! But I'm still wallowing in self disgust. I'm sorry lol.

I hope the layout change helps y'all. I'm not really a girly girl so...yeah. :D

Another coffee? Yes, please!

After nearly 70 lbs lost you'd figure I'd show at least a little more pride and a little less self hate. If anything that self hate has gotten worse. I've stood naked in front of the mirror before a shower with the best intentions, telling myself that I needed to be strong and find something good about my body. One thing I could be proud of. Instead I found and berated myself for at least twenty things I was ashamed of.

My arms...come on I'm 25 fucking years old and I have my grandma's arms. If it were aerodynamically possible I could fly home with these things.

My face. I used to be so proud of the high cheekbones that weren't overly produtive (is that even a word?), but hinted at my native background. Add my long brown hair, when I allowed it to grow out, and the pale skin just didn't matter. I'm very proud of my heritage. Now though, I'm all roundness and pale.

My rack. Okay I've got a pretty decent pair but that's mostly thanks to Cacique and wonderful bras. I breastfed for a year, I'm not perky. If I ever get to goal, I want a new set.

My stomach. I now have a waist again, however shriveled, loose, fat, and wrinkled it is. I still can't wear my sweet babydoll band tees out in public without a hoodie over them. It's depressing.

My lower abdomen. I get a lot of people telling me that I carried a child, blah blah blah blah. Yeah Tony did a number on me. He was 10 lbs 5 oz, 23 1/4 inches long. He stretched me to China. He was also too big for natural birth. I didn't even go through labour. Had an emergency c-section on his due date. The long, barely visible, but slightly silvery scar is my battle wound. The one thing on my stomach I'm proud to overflowing about. The puckered, wrinkled, saggy skin around it...not so much.

My hips...I've always been hippy. I was once told that I was a true hourglass, however with child bearing and age I've fallen into the pear shape. I hate it. I can manage to make myself look and feel somewhat attractive from the waist up. Waist down and it's all over. My hips are wide and hideous.

My thighs. I've always been chunkier in the leg. Not necessarily a bad thing. I look at girls with stick skinny legs and cringe. I don't dig other chicks, but I appreciate a beautiful body, regardless of gender. Legs should have muscles and curve. My thighs are jiggly and fat, my calves round and hard, my ankles not small but dainty no less. I remember when I was pregnant and my ankles turned into cankles. I was devastated! I was always so proud of my ankles. When the water retention finally went away I cried because I had that natural structure again. The curve, bone, muscle, tendon...soooo beautiful.

My ass. Ugh. Really. I've got a flat, wide ass. You know those kids that would yell wide load...yeah I really always deserved that. I always thought, you know if I had to have a giant ass couldn't it at least have some shape? Nope. I got screwed on that angle. Now add the miles of cellulite and I'm a real fucking sight to behold.

Finally my back. I have this thing about backs. Maybe it's the artist in me that can see the beauty in all the contours and find it soooo sexy. I don't know. But I do not have a sexy back. There aren't any contours, just lumps. I have this huge, beautiful dreamcatcher and I'm too scared to show it off...because of my back.

Now all this is just a general overview of my self disgust. It gets deeper and more intricate. But you know, I didn't want to bore you all or bring you down. Ha!

Until next time...