Sabotage!

So I spent the afternoon with my boys at the lake yesterday. Fun times right? Hells yes it was! However I was starving by the time we left (at 2pm) and we'd stopped to get gas at the Shell (which happened to be right next to a Tim Hortons) and I started drooling. Well damn isn't it tradition to get a couple doughnuts to haul to the lake? I mean yes I'd just woven my way through the craptastic Zellers by our place and gotten some Crispy Minis, trail mix, and reduced fat pringles; juice, water, etc. I needed doughnuts. I could taste the sugary, fatty deliciousness. But of course we can't get just one. Oh no no no. A 20 pack of timbits and half a dozen full size doughnuts later...

dun dun duuuuun....

Over the course of yesterday I maybe at one, well no two, actual meals. I made eggs for breakfast. Just one fried egg sammich for me, with light cheese and an unbuttered english muffin. Throughout the afternoon I stuff 1 1/2 full size doughnuts, probably 5 or 6 timbits (maybe more, fuck knows I wasn't counting), a couple handfulls of trailmix, maybe 8-10 pringles, three cheese nips (they didn't taste so hot after the doughnuts), three small bottles of apple juice, and lord knows what else. These of course are all guesstimations. I came home and was hungry, no shit, because I hadn't had a real meal by 8 pm. So I dumped 3/4 C cottage cheese (always 1%), 1/2C peaches (always in water), and made myself a whole wheat english muffin. Yum!

I've been doing the daily scale dance again. Bad Amber, I know. It had me up 1.2 lbs this morning. Oops. Well, I must pay for my doughnut sins. Do I regret it? A little, but not really. I haven't had a doughnut in months and this was the first time I really binged like that. Seriously. That was a holy shit kind of binge. You'd figure this would at least get me moving. But no. I'm a tool this week. A lazy tool. I have worked out only once. I'm stupid I know. If I'd actually stuck with it all week I probably could have not felt regret at all for pounding back those doughnuts but oh well.

I had a great afternoon at the lake yesterday, got myself a nice little sunburn, and had oodles of fun playing football and badmitton in the sand and just enjoying the water. So in the end...totally worth it.

He's back...

Less than 24 hours. Well at least I heard it from his mom and not him. At least I know he's safe, for now.

He's gone...

So yesterday I went on a roadtrip full of piss and vinegar and completely in confrontation mode and ready to break some noses...all to confront the guy I once thought was my best friend, that I caught shooting up in my bathroom. The bastard never came home. I spent the afternoon with his parents and ended up finding out far more things than I already knew about his lying and stealing. I was not impressed and by the end of the afternoon, when I had to be ready to go, I was violently shaking and even more pumped to see some blood fall. It didn't get to happen. So instead I left a lengthy, extremely nasty note on his bed.

I texted his mom this morning and asked her to call me or text and let me know when he made it back so I knew he was safe. I hate the cocksucking cuntface but I still care about him. Fucker. She called and said that he'd gotten in at about 11:30 last night and she told him that I had been there most of the afternoon. Apparently his Oma had woken up to a note and a missing M. I'm pretty sure that volatile letter I left is the reason he ran away. Which is kind of a stupid way to put it as he's 25 fucking years old...but that's what he did. In the end I'd basically told him to fuck off and go to hell, I was done listening to his bullshit lies and I was not going to allow him to manipulate me anymore.

He's gone and it's my fault. There's no way to get in contact with him as his cell was turned off, cuz he's lazy and refuses to stay awake for more than four hours a day to get a job. I'm going to have to assume he's not on the street and is safe and comfortable sleeping with his latest whore. We won't even get into that because that bitch is going to cost him his kid...ugh!

I feel completely unapologetic for saying what I did in that letter. But I feel like a piece of shit because he ran away because of me. If anything happens to him...fuck man it's on me. It's all on me.

The update...

Okay so a while ago I won a book on Jen's site http://exhotgirl.blogspot.com/, the book's called The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. I must live in a cave because I'd never heard of Diet Girl before but apparently she's a very well known fellow weight loss blogger. I read through the book in a span of a few hours, it was written extremely well and it was sooo sincere! There was one thing she said that has resonated with me ever since I read it. She said "I'm not finished yet, I'm not ready, don't look at me." Really, that's exactly how I feel. Lately I've had a lot of people commenting on my loss telling me how great I look. I don't see it, I don't feel it, I'm not finished. I'm only barely halfway to my goal and...I don't know. I don't want people to see me I guess. Not until I'm finished. When people compliment me I usually end up looking away, blushing, and saying thank you...then quickly changing the subject. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to acknowledge it except with all of you guys.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Today was a great day! I went for pedis with my sister in law, had lunch, then did a bit of shopping. I'm slightly disappointed I walked out with only a shirt and a book but I really didn't need to spend the money anyway, kind of broke so...yeah. I was hoping to find some capris but they don't like me so, no capris. Ah well, next year.

Halfway there

Down 3.2 this week for a total of 69.2 I love that 69 number :P

So much more to say but hubby's giving me the stink eye so I'll update more later!

Spent a morning at the park with my bubba...

Some pretty water...I love water.

Tonester enjoying the path...

Rock'n the saucer thingie

Trying to outsmart his mum with the camera...

One of the fountains in the park

I don't care how uncool this pic makes me...we are so rock and roll

The perfect smile for the perfect end to a perfect morning with my bubba :D

fuck titles

So I didn't update last week...I was down 0.2.

This week down 1.8.

I'm back below my license weight, again. Let's see how long this shit lasts. I've gone back to the basics. Have tracked everything, have started eating exactly the same food I ate when I started (albeit in lesser proportions), have restarted working out...last week's back fuckage really didn't help. I feel all weak and shit when I do my Shred. It sucks.

Other than that life is...well life. I wish I had wicked stories like Dina and Tricia and Carlos but well...my life sucks lol. Maybe something interesting will happen this week..maybe.