This is getting a bit redundant...

Seriously. Down another 0.2 today. So I'm back to an even 63 total lost. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not angry this time...just....whatever man. I'm just kind of shrugging it off. It's getting old, you know? However, I took measurements and have lost another couple inches so...woohoo?

In another 2-3 weeks if I don't start seeing some better numbers on the scale...I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep shredding my ass off, but I'm sticking to level one (I just upped the size of my hand weights) until it's really really easy. Seriously...I don't want to almost die again.

Huh...I say seriously a lot. I've also been saying etcetera and motherfucker a lot lately too.

Yeah...

Restless

First I want to start with a couple woohoo things...Lorie over at http://next30yrs.blogspot.com/ has given me a little blog recognition, it's super sweet of her! My blog has never been recognized, I've been blogging for some time now, not always regularly, not always positive, and I know I have a few followers but never thought I'd receive a little recognition like this. She actually said I was an inspiration! What?! Thank you!

So apparently it's my turn now to send this off to a few others. Five to be exact. Here are the rules:

Pass it along to 5 fellow super bloggers, and comment on their blog to let them know how lucky they are today!When you present your Super Blogger awards, link back to the super blogger who gave it to you.

Here are my pics, bear in mind that I have waaaaaay more than five but I'm tagging those that haven't been tagged yet as well (or at least not that I've seen):

1. Ben @ http://graized.blogspot.com/ This guy is heartfelt, honest, and has been a huge inspiration!

2. Blendergrl @ http://timetouncovertherealme.blogspot.com/ She's just adorable and has done so well. I love reading her blogs and love seeing the uber delish looking foods she whips up. She's like a modern betty crocker.

3. Dina @ http://sizewhatagain.blogspot.com/ If you haven't read her blogs, go now and do it! This girl is hilarious!

4. Wildfluffysheep @ http://infatuationwilleatyou.blogspot.com/ She's very much like me in this journey...lots of ups and downs and bipolar tendencies lol...it's all good though. I adore her blogs and her overall attitude!

5. Aimee @ http://aims41.blogspot.com/ I've just recently started reading her blog but already I love it.

Okay now give me a break, I don't know how to do the fancy linky thing so it just shows the title of the blog. Deal with it! :oP

Second for woohoo moments, I had entered a contest on JBe's blog http://exhotgirl.blogspot.com/ for a book, and I won. Seriously I've never won more than $5 on a scratch off ticket! And I love reading so...double woohoo!

Okay on to the restless. Lately I've been feeling very trapped. Trapped in my job, trapped in my marriage, trapped in my home. I want nothing more than to get the hell out of this city. Unfortunately due to finances this mama ain't goin no where. So yesterday I packed up my kidlet and took him to the cheap theatre to see Coraline. Excellent movie! Of course we indulged in theatre popcorn, yup, it's bad for you, but oh so delicious. Also a box of Reese's Pieces...shut up...it was worth it!

I woke up this morning and was still depressed and feeling utterly trapped. I told the hubby to take me to the mountains. He had to work today so that was a no go. We don't really have the funds for a trip to Jasper right now either. The gas and sustenance starts to add up. So...packed up the kidlet again and spent the afternoon at the zoo. We got there about 12:30 and stayed til closing (4 pm). We only took a couple breaks for some munchies but otherwise walked the entire time. Now, the Edmonton zoo is tiny. Microscopic even. We went to see the sea lions twice (my favorite). Seriously you could tour this entire zoo in like an hour. We drug it out big time, but it was fun, so very worth it. The only crappy thing was that it started raining close to closing time.

I'm feeling pretty good right now so hopefully when I wake up tomorrow and know that hubby'll be working all day it'll be ok. I think it's supposed to be raining for the rest of the week too...so maybe that will force me to get the damned housework done. It's never ending. I'm really getting sick of the day to day grind. The never ending pile of dishes and laundry. The floors that never stay clean. The carpets that take about 20 seconds to be covered in cat fur again.

As far as diet/exercise go. Well food has been...ok? I don't know. I try very very hard to stay within points and had been doing so well not eating after 8 pm then I started working out and find myself soooo hungry at night. So hungry all the time! I'm trying to make better choices too when I do eat but, being a woman, TOM is making a visit next week so this week is good ol' PMS. Craving junk like mad and finding zero will power to say no to it. I've been shredding again this week. Bumped it up to level two and have been sweating buckets...it's disgusting but is sooo cool. Well it was anyway, til yesterday. I think I may have bumped to level two just a little too soon. Things were going great yesterday with the Tonester until after the movie. Went out for a smoke, talked to hubby, hung up the phone, felt like I was dying from the inside out. Seriously. I didn't know muscle pain could ever be that bad. I toughed it out for a bit so Tony and I could play some games but ended up having to leave. I felt soooo bad. I know he wanted to race some more on that stupid Daytona game and I would have loved too, but it hurt so bad I was starting to see double. So hobble to the bus and get home then the pain starts to ease a little. I finally realized it was my muscles...not my abdomen exploding and killing me slowly.

The pain has eased quite a bit but is still very much there. I decided to ease up a bit, incorporate Carmen back into my workouts along with Jillian, and maybe keep it at four days a week instead of five. Or doing something extremely low intensity like yoga on Wednesdays instead of something hardcore. I've never hurt like this before, and I don't ever want to again. It wasn't sweet workout pain, it actually crossed my mind that maybe my appendix had burst and was leaking toxins into my body...had thought maybe I should go to the hospital.

So anyway, today I walked for a couple hours. Not all brisk and shit, just leisure, but it was good. Maybe I'll get a workout in tonight before bed, but I doubt it. Tomorrow morning though, I've got a date with Carmen!

W-T-F mate?

Down 0.4 lbs this week. Seriously? Don't ask me how I managed to pull a loss off because I don't fucking know....

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. A clusterfuck of tears. Sunday it was work, and me ->this<- close to walking away from my job, then fighting with Ian after he picked up me up. Monday it was a doc appt, then fighting with Ian...and oh boy was that fight a gooder. Throwing screaming fuck you kind of fight. Since then it's been one thing after another and I, like the good little emotional eating codependant that I am, turned to yummy delicious foods. I had donuts (yes that's plural, and fuck man I haven't allowed myself a donut in at least six months), ice cream with gummi bears (gotta love Marble Slab), lots of carbs and chocolate and barely any fruits or veggies.

I've been shredding my ass off this week, only taking one day off, basically in protest, then friday I did some strippin instread of shredding...poor Carmen's missed me you know.

Let's see what next week's WI brings...if I keep losing lbs with a point in front of it I might hit a whopping one pound by the end of May. Woofuckinghoo!

A whole lot of eatin goin on!

Okay so I've been shredding every day except for my normal days off (Saturday and Sunday) and then I took today off because honestly...just didn't want to do it. Oh well. It's on me right? Anyway, I've been noticing that when I do work out I'm sooooo much hungrier during the day, what the fuck's with that?!

I've been eating loads and lots of garbage on top of that. Empty calories galore! So I've gotta get control of this, since I've started ebbing in the weight loss department and my stress and emotional levels have risen (wl ebbing being the first to happen) I've been eating like shit. Barely keeping myself maintained. It's time to jump things up a bit. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be gaining again this week, not only because of the crap I've been eating but also because of the shredding. Seriously, I haven't worked strength type workouts in eons. So I've gotta be building muscle, and that's going to show a gain, right? Oh well. I'll have to suck it up and move on.

For the next while I'll be staying away from the empty calories. No more frozen yogurt, no more baked chips, nothing that doesn't have some kind of nutritional benefit. If I don't end up losing the weight...well I don't know. The positive part of me wants to say oh well, at least I'll be healthier, the negative and more vocal part of me will say fuck it and eat the damned chips.

Let's just see how this shit rolls out...

Rollercoaster...

Man...now I have RHCP's 'Rollercoaster of Love'...I'm so not diggin it.

Last night I melted down. Completely. Like body vibrating sobs. I've had enough. Of course I was s-m-r-t smart and stepped on the scale before crawling into bed. The number I saw made me so angry, so sad, so hateful...disgusted, scared, and damn it, I feel like a failure. A big, fat, disgusting blob of a failure.

As I sobbed to the hubby I told him that if I don't see a loss in at least inches today then I'm done. I'm tossing in the white flag and saying fine, fuck it, I CAN NOT DO IT! Is it really worth it if it takes me six fucking months to lose 10 lbs? Really? He said yes, I don't know if I agree with him but...whatever.

So this morning back on the scale for the official WI. Up 0.6lbs. Well, at least it wasn't the 3.5 I was fearing last night. Measurements showed a 2 inch loss in a month. I don't know, is that good? Is it worth it? Fuck man. I'm at a point, the first time I'm pretty sure since I started WW, that I'm really truly ready to throw in the towel and say fuck it. I can't fucking do this roller coaster anymore. Down one week up the next. One step forward, two steps back. I told Dina in an e-mail, I think I'm delving into virgin fat now. Does that make a difference? I don't know. But it sure as hell feels like I'm never going to see a number below 200, much less my goal. And I wonder now, is my goal even realistic? For me? I don't think my body wants to let go of the weight, no matter how much I do.

When I was talking to DH he got on me about tracking. I haven't been. What I've been doing is barely eating. Maybe I'm not eating enough? Fuck I don't know. I find the whole "not eating enough" thing hard to believe but....whatever. Back to tracking. Everything.

So how long do I give it? Another month? Six months? Year, two years? How long do I keep pushing myself before I give in? Emotionally...fuck I don't know how much more I can handle before I really lose it.

Hope your Saturday morning's better than mine.

Support

Thank you, all of you, for your awesome support and encouragement! Times like today I really really need it.

I gotta ask though, how much freakin water weight can my body retain?! Ugh...stupid water. I hope it's just water anyway!

Day 1 of 30 Day Shred down...and I'll tell ya that Jillian Michaels is one crazy bitch. But I like it. So it's all good.

Tantrum comin on...

I feel like belting out a good ol' WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK! and breaking shit. No really.

With everything that I've been dealing with the past few weeks I really just want to break shit, or hit someone. One someone in particular but....yeah.

Well I've turned into a bit of a scale obssessor. On the scale night and day. Literally, before bed and as soon as my ass crawls out in the morning. Tomorrow is official WI day but stepped on the scale this morning and I'm up from last week by 0.6 lbs. Are you fucking kidding me?! I have worked out this week, nearly religiously, and I feel like I'm eating only when my hunger triggers now, which is great, watching my portion sizes etc. Why is it when I follow the fucking rules I GAIN?! At this point I'm ready to say fuck you cuntface to the rules and find a way to semi-starve myself but not move my ass off the fucking couch and watch the pounds just melt away. Tomorrow along with WI I'll be taking my measurements...and I tell you what, if I don't see some kind of improvement there I'm going to throw one hell of a two year old tantrum.

Fuck!