doing what is not the norm

I need help. I'm seriously pleading for help here. I'm admitting it y'all, I can't do this alone. I saw 223.6 this morning. Every piece of disgusting unhealthy food I've shoved past my lips this past week has made me feel sick. Physically and emotionally.

This week we said goodbye to yet another family member. Ian's grandma's death has hit me much harder than I ever thought it would. I think part of it is just that she's the fifth beautiful family member to leave this earth since April. I can't say anymore goodbyes. I'm trying to keep myself together, but little by little I'm letting the overwhelming losses take over me and falling into old, bad habits. I'm isolating, internalizing, eating my way through.

The bright side of all this, I know what I'm doing. I've also come to a very quick realization that trying to do this alone just isn't working. So for those of you still reading my blathering....if you can find it in your heart, please. Someone help me.

disappointment

So, have you ever looked at someone that SHOULD be an inspiration, and known that they've worked incredibly hard for their success...but still said, well fuck. I'm a god damn loser. Have you?

I'm doing that now. I think maybe I need to seek some couselling or talk to a doctor about my energy levels. Is this normal? Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I've lost probably 3 lbs in the past three weeks. I'm still not at the weight I was maintaining. I'm sitting at a whopping 218.6.

Fuckity fuck.

Is there really truly a pot of skinny gold at the end of the rainbow, or are you all full of shit? It's gotta be me. I really can't be that paranoid that there's an entire community out there falsifying their weight loss successes....

or are you...
dun dun duuuuuuun

Why

Why am I all "Hey I'm working out, it's ok to eat a bit more"

then binge like I'll never see tomorrow?

Fuck'n fuck.

back to the basics

My pants are tight. Really tight. Time to get my ass out of its funk and get back on track. Truly.

Here are my goals for next week:

1: Track my food EVERY DAY!

Yup...back to good ol' WW. It works for me.

2: Earn some money!

I've decided that waiting for a reward or results isn't instant gratification-y enough for me. Hubby will be giving me a $2 coin for every day that I work out. I will be putting them into a clear jar so I can watch the money grow. Hey, it's an idea right?

Wish me luck!

Hope you are all doing well out there in bloggerland!

Best anniversary present ever

This Thursday marks mine and hubby's ninth anniversary. We had had plans to go to Valemount, BC and spend a relaxing four nights in the beautiful mountains.

Instead we're driving to Colorado so I can say goodbye to my uncle. I only found out last night that he's in hospice and is lucky if he lives out the month. I didn't expect the cancer to eat at him so quickly. He was only just diagnosed a few months ago.

As shitty as it is that our anniversary will not be relaxed and romantic, who could ask for a more cherished present than time you'll never be able to get again?

So hey, who's got two thumbs and the most amazing husband in the whole world? This girl.

Amber has a day off...what?!

Ok guys, so I've just been maintaining. Floating somewhere between 211 and 215. Not where I want to stay, but not really gaining any significant amount of weight either. Thank the gods I learned SOMETHING! I've decided before I move on from this stagnant stage, I need to learn how to be proud of what I've done so far. I need to learn to be proud of my ability to even stabilize. Because after...oh at least six months...of sitting at this weight, I could have gained so so so sooo much back.

My girl Jules is a photographer and has to do self nudes. I'm starting to think, fuck, you know it's crazy that I can look at a million different women, in a million different shapes and sizes, and find so many beautiful things about them. But I look in the mirror, and I see flaw, flaw, flaw. What makes me different? Don't I deserve to look at myself with the same consideration?

So anyway, I know there isn't much to this little update, but it is what it is. I've finally got placed so I have a "home" branch for work now. Wish me luck, I start there tomorrow!

Hope you all are well, and hey, for those that have stuck around...thanks :)

lame

Happy birthday to me, I gained nearly two pounds. I blame it on PMS.