The long hard road out of hell...

doing what is not the norm

2010-12-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

I need help. I'm seriously pleading for help here. I'm admitting it y'all, I can't do this alone. I saw 223.6 this morning. Every piece of disgusting unhealthy food I've shoved past my lips this past week has made me feel sick. Physically and emotionally.

This week we said goodbye to yet another family member. Ian's grandma's death has hit me much harder than I ever thought it would. I think part of it is just that she's the fifth beautiful family member to leave this earth since April. I can't say anymore goodbyes. I'm trying to keep myself together, but little by little I'm letting the overwhelming losses take over me and falling into old, bad habits. I'm isolating, internalizing, eating my way through.

The bright side of all this, I know what I'm doing. I've also come to a very quick realization that trying to do this alone just isn't working. So for those of you still reading my blathering....if you can find it in your heart, please. Someone help me.

disappointment

2010-12-01T17:36:00.001-08:00

So, have you ever looked at someone that SHOULD be an inspiration, and known that they've worked incredibly hard for their success...but still said, well fuck. I'm a god damn loser. Have you?

I'm doing that now. I think maybe I need to seek some couselling or talk to a doctor about my energy levels. Is this normal? Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. I've lost probably 3 lbs in the past three weeks. I'm still not at the weight I was maintaining. I'm sitting at a whopping 218.6.

Fuckity fuck.

Is there really truly a pot of skinny gold at the end of the rainbow, or are you all full of shit? It's gotta be me. I really can't be that paranoid that there's an entire community out there falsifying their weight loss successes....

or are you...
dun dun duuuuuuun

Why

2010-11-11T13:15:00.001-08:00

Why am I all "Hey I'm working out, it's ok to eat a bit more"

then binge like I'll never see tomorrow?

Fuck'n fuck.

back to the basics

2010-11-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

My pants are tight. Really tight. Time to get my ass out of its funk and get back on track. Truly.

Here are my goals for next week:

1: Track my food EVERY DAY!

Yup...back to good ol' WW. It works for me.

2: Earn some money!

I've decided that waiting for a reward or results isn't instant gratification-y enough for me. Hubby will be giving me a $2 coin for every day that I work out. I will be putting them into a clear jar so I can watch the money grow. Hey, it's an idea right?

Wish me luck!

Hope you are all doing well out there in bloggerland!

Best anniversary present ever

2010-09-28T05:52:00.000-07:00

This Thursday marks mine and hubby's ninth anniversary. We had had plans to go to Valemount, BC and spend a relaxing four nights in the beautiful mountains.

Instead we're driving to Colorado so I can say goodbye to my uncle. I only found out last night that he's in hospice and is lucky if he lives out the month. I didn't expect the cancer to eat at him so quickly. He was only just diagnosed a few months ago.

As shitty as it is that our anniversary will not be relaxed and romantic, who could ask for a more cherished present than time you'll never be able to get again?

So hey, who's got two thumbs and the most amazing husband in the whole world? This girl.

Amber has a day off...what?!

2010-09-20T07:34:00.001-07:00

Ok guys, so I've just been maintaining. Floating somewhere between 211 and 215. Not where I want to stay, but not really gaining any significant amount of weight either. Thank the gods I learned SOMETHING! I've decided before I move on from this stagnant stage, I need to learn how to be proud of what I've done so far. I need to learn to be proud of my ability to even stabilize. Because after...oh at least six months...of sitting at this weight, I could have gained so so so sooo much back.

My girl Jules is a photographer and has to do self nudes. I'm starting to think, fuck, you know it's crazy that I can look at a million different women, in a million different shapes and sizes, and find so many beautiful things about them. But I look in the mirror, and I see flaw, flaw, flaw. What makes me different? Don't I deserve to look at myself with the same consideration?

So anyway, I know there isn't much to this little update, but it is what it is. I've finally got placed so I have a "home" branch for work now. Wish me luck, I start there tomorrow!

Hope you all are well, and hey, for those that have stuck around...thanks :)

lame

2010-07-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me, I gained nearly two pounds. I blame it on PMS.

early WI

2010-07-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all, so I'm out of town this weekend camping, so I figured early WI would be better than late.

I'm very happy with my week's loss! I weighed in at 211.6, which means a sweet 3.8 lbs loss! Hells yes! Wish me luck for next week guys, I would like to see the underside of 200 in at least two months (but hopefully much sooner than that).

Good Morning Vietnam! ....and Canada and America, etc etc

2010-07-17T05:10:00.001-07:00

Last night I stepped on the scale and saw a whopping 217.4. Dude! Yes Yes I know, I shouldn't be weighing myself morning and night but I do, always have. So as soon as hubby made it up the stairs I told him that he could forget about waiting til I get paid to rejoin WW. This morning it was happening, period. After the official WI this morning (a lame ass 215.4, 1 lbs GAIN) I did just that. But at 5 am, before click click clicking at the computer to get my ass back into the WW wagon, I started the coffee, got myself a big glass of ice water, and reaquainted myself with Bob and the BL gang via the bootcamp.

I'm officially 100% back my friends. I never gave up, trust me if I had I'd be up to at least 250 by now, but there's no more half assing it. No more watching what I eat, as it airplanes into my mouth. No more saying "I feel like I'm ALMOST ready to start working out again." This is it.

I think I needed the pseudo break though. I think I really needed to remember how frustrating a lack of weight loss is, how shitty I've felt looking in the mirror. Now, even a 1 lbs loss, which I'd better see next week y'all, will be so much more appreciated and celebrated.

This morning I raise my steamy hot delicious mug of coffee to you, all my blogger buddies, for not giving up on me. Here's to you, and to me, and to everyone out there that's struggling on this journey with us. Here's to yet another new beginning.

a whoppin -.04

2010-07-12T17:53:00.001-07:00

Yup, that's it. So much for water retention. I guess I really did eat about five million calories a day for four days. Fuck me.

I know, I KNOW, the only way I'm getting out of this slump is to get off my ass. But really guys, the idea of crawling out of bed an hour earlier than normal just isn't very tempting. Especially when I'm still so freakin exhausted every morning and evening as it is. When am I going to stop being so tired?!

I'm starting to fall into a deeper depression when it comes to my weight. I don't think I've given up, but I sure as hell feel like I have. And that makes me feel stupid, pathetic. Maybe it's time I talk to hubby about getting back on WW now that I'm bringing in a steady paycheck. I know he's not too happy about me spending money that doesn't "need" to be spent...but I think my not being at goal yet, and completely controlling my mood, makes it a necessity. Because to be this much smaller than where I started, but to still look in the mirror and not only still hate what I see, but be EVEN MORE disgusted....it's not right.

I wish I could be proud of the previous losses I've had. In total I'm sure I've lost over 100 lbs (and gained a good portion back, love that roller coaster), I should be proud of myself, even if I've mostly just maintained within 10 lbs of my lowest, but I'm not. Not even a little. So this teeny loss has put me back to like 71 lbs lost, blech. It's nothing. And now I see other bloggers, one in particular, who's lost 100 lbs in 7 months. I'm so proud of her, and very very happy for her, but so very very jealous too. I KNOW she's worked her ass off, much harder than I have the past few months, but I remember working my ass off too, and definitely NOT looking as fabulous as she does.

I know this reads very much like a big ol' pity party. I don't want to be that person. But I guess this is what has needed to come out. Until this little pity post, I've really had nothing to say. I don't like being that blah pathetic blogger. Maybe I need to before I can be someone better again.

WI

2010-07-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

Down a teeny 1.2 this week from the huge gain in WI. I huffed about it for a minute then realized why...it's also PMS week. AKA water retention week. Hence the very slight loss after eating waaaaaaaaaaay less than the week or two before.

Ya know guys? I misses yas. Hope you're all doing better than me :oP

official saturday WI

2010-06-26T06:02:00.001-07:00

216, on the button.

Fuck me.

Anybody got a wand? Please?

Crap.

Is it time? I sure hope so!

2010-06-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Ok guys, I have gone on quite the bender. I've lost 3 people in 2 months. Two of them less than two weeks apart. I got to go home for my grandpa's funeral. And I let that emoitonal eating take over me. Only while I was doing it, I guarantee I didn't "know" I was doing it. I was aware...mostly. I paid attention....somewhat. My pants are tight and I saw a salty water retaining 217 on the scale the morning after I got back. And oh yes, I KNOW it is salt. Trust me, chinese, deep fried tasty deliciousness, nachos, cheese curds...oh yes, the good stuff. Even in moderation carries bucketloads of salt...and I ate it all then licked my fingers very un-lady like afterward.

Before I got the call about my grandpa and hopped a plane home, I had bought a new workout dvd, something to hopefully get me back in the game. DWTS Latin Cardio. I want to try that shit! I'm going to tonight. As soon as I hit the post button as a matter of fact. I've also loaded my fridge drawers with fruit, and the shelves with yogurt and other healthy goodness.

Wish me luck y'all. I'm gonna need it, because I want to beat this, and I can't do it alone.

around

2010-05-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

I know I've been silent. I've gotten one msg from a gal that said she was wondering about me so...

I'm here. I'm still reading, though not really commenting. I haven't given up, but I'm not making a furtive effort either.

But...I'm here.

wagon? what wagon?

2010-04-15T19:58:00.000-07:00

I have fallen, rolled, and was ran away from like the axe murderer in a horror flick. The biggest problem is that I'm disgusted at myself and feeling so much disappointment, hatred, and self loathing that I can't even manage to pull myself out of the hole to start searching for the tracks. I haven't exercised in a week. Talk about stupid move. No exercise, emotional eating...yeah I'm feelin it.

On a not so dark note I've started the new job, and as overwhelming as it is I really enjoy it. I think it's really helped me to ignore my cousin's death too. Which has led to my eating everything in sight. I don't know how to deal with this. I say to others all the time, when you're ready you'll find your way back. I'm scared that I'll never find my way back, even though I've been ready forever. I'm scared that in the next month I'll gain back every pound I've lost. And honestly by the way I've been eating I could see it happening...I mean I'd be dead because of the food overload, but I'd be a very fatter dead. Yes I said fatter. I don't think there'll ever be a day I don't consider myself fat.

I hate updating with this shit. I hate sounding like this. I know I've never been one for sunshine and happiness, but even I am too much for myself right now, so I certainly don't want to put it on y'all. However...somewhere down there I haven't given up really...I'm not done. I'm not where I want to be. I want to be better, healthier, stronger. I want to be proud of me. I just don't know how to get myself to where I need to be to start again.

gain

2010-04-10T06:46:00.000-07:00

I was stupid and stepped on the scale. I was going to skip knowing what I've done to myself but I happen to be an obsessive scaler. I'm up 3.2 lbs this week. I wonder why that is? Oh wait! Maybe the three bags of turtle chex mix I've scarfed, or oh yeah, quite possibly the fact that I got good and shit faced last night then found myself at McDick's drive thru at midnight. Maybe that's why. I know I'm being stupid. Oh fucking well. I feel pathetic you guys. I really do. Like a big fat pathetic failure.

Day of rest?

2010-04-09T12:49:00.001-07:00

Last night I still worked out. Tonight I think I'm going to pass. Not because I want to, but because I have an appt and don't know when I'm getting home.

I'm going to keep exercising. Even as I eat my way through the house. I know what I'm doing. I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. And I know why. Maybe if I had a friend up here it wouldn't be so bad. When you feel that you're utterly alone...it's easy to allow yourself to consciously eat your emotions.

I'm by no means giving up, just for now, I'm giving in. I'll get sick of it again, I always do.

Loss

2010-04-08T15:50:00.000-07:00

This is not a loss I wanted, nor one I have looked forward to. My cousin overdosed yesterday. Tomorrow would have been her 42nd birthday. My mother is beside herself. Melody was one of my best friends growing up. Now she's gone, I'm here, my mother's there, Melody's daughter is at her uncle's...I miss her. I'm angry, but god do I miss her.

No news is good news?

2010-04-01T14:14:00.001-07:00

Sometimes.

On Saturday I finally saw a change in my stagnant weight. Dun dun duuuuuuuuun...a drop of 2.2 lbs, what?! Hells yeah bitches! I've worked out so many days in a row now, I don't remember the last day that I didn't do something at all. Even if it's just a walk, or the lower intensity tae boxing, it's something!

And then, I had a rough day. Yeah today I got to go to the lady doctor. I know it's only once a year, blah blah blah suck it up buttercup, but these visits are always traumatic for me. It isn't just the uncomfortability and pain for me, it's the passing of the personal bubble. I've been sexually assaulted twice, raped once (and boy is that still hard for me to even admit or recognize), since I was 13. Since I need birth control I need to see the lady doctor, or she'd refuse and I'd be poppin out kidlets left right and center...no thanks! Either way, I nearly work myself into a right panic/anxiety attack once the clothes are shed and I'm sittin bare assed waiting for the doc to come in. I always make the procedure worse than it needs to be.

Anyway...because of this I immediately went to the store after the appt, because oh how convenient it happened right around lunch time. I got pizza (at 6 pieces...yeah), donuts (one of those thank you), and a very small cheesecake that I split with hubster. My stomach is still sticking out and hurting. I deserve the pain. Seriously...where's my helmet baby cuz there's windows need lickin'!

Let's hope this doesn't completely destroy my week. Dinner? Cottage cheese and toast. Super light. Oh yes.

Hey where'd that crazy bitch go?

2010-03-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

I'm right here! Seriously I am. And I'm still workin on it. Eating hasn't been perfect but then neither am I. However, I've been working out. Jillian and I have been Shredding so I'm pretty happy with that. It feels good! I've been getting rather restless just sitting on my fat ass so when I say it feels good, I truly mean it. I'm a bit sore in some spots, but certainly not enough to keep me from working out the next day, which is a NEW feeling for me!

A few positively awesome things have happened in the past couple weeks. I won a $250 gift cert to an interior store (I never win cool shit like that!), I got a $25 gift cert to Addition-elle which came at the perfect time because I also FINALLY got myself a job!!! I will be working as a teller for CIBC, training starts on the 12th of April which is also lucky because my son's spring break is next week and I just can't find the money for daycare for that with this check. Oh, and the Addition-elle gc...the awesomeness is because I've worked at a biker store for so long, and then before that a saddlery and tack shop...I've got ZERO professional type clothing!!!! So, shopping with my dear SIL on the 10th!

Saturday's weigh in finally brought a change. A gain of 0.2 lbs. That's nothing as far as I'm concerned so I'm still considering it a maintenance. No I do not want to maintain, but hubby promised that as soon as the money starts coming in and we get some debt paid I can get back on WW. But I'm also hoping that I can keep myself on track and won't have to do it. I like knowing it's an option though. So far this week though I'm already down 2 lbs!!!! Let's hope I can and WILL keep my shit together so I keep seeing drops in the weight!!!

Static

2010-03-13T10:41:00.000-08:00

For the third week straight I have weighed in at the same weight. Hey man, better than gaining!

Also I got a wicked sweet award from Kat, but I haven't gotten around to putting it up. I told her I'd make it a gooder so it's going to be a bit yet. Maybe while I'm baking my kidlet's school cupcakes for his birthday! But I had to throw a shout out. Figgered it was time lol.

Also, she kicks ass because she throws jelly beans at bad drivers. And is sending me salty chocolate sin in the form of chex mix. And she makes me giggle with her stories of "The Boy" and her daily life. I'm tellin ya, get over to her blog and laugh!

Phone interview

2010-03-11T16:06:00.000-08:00

So I finally got a call!

It was a phone interview with Jenny Craig of all things.

Considering I have zero nutrition education I probably won't get the job, but boy would that be sweet! Seriously, discount on JC as well? I'd give it a go!

Wish me luck!

Figgered I should update...

2010-03-10T18:23:00.000-08:00

My pants are getting tighter.

I wake up with good intentions. Small breakfast, small lunch. Then snacking, all day. I ate half a dozen triple chocolate cookies today. And nachos. I'm fucking stupid.

It would appear that I've given up. I haven't. Doesn't mean that I'm really trying my hardest though. Doesn't mean I'm not trying at all either.

On the plus side I've started working out again. On the negative, it's barely there intensity.

Why am I doing all the shit I know I shouldn't be? Why am I not doing the shit I know I should? I mean really, I looked at the cookies as I was putting them into my mouth and completely berated myself. Did it stop me? Nope.

What the hell.

I'M A FREAKIN AUNTIE AGAIN!!!

2010-03-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

If you couldn't tell by this post's title, I'm slightly excited. Super bummed I'm not in the same country to be able to meet my little nephew but oi...I'm so proud of my baby brother!

Still swimming, sort of

2010-02-27T14:53:00.001-08:00

I could use a couple life buoy thingies though.

Down 1 lbs.

Meh.

Rock bottom

2010-02-22T09:27:00.000-08:00

For those of you that say god can't give you more than you can handle...you're wrong.

I've cancelled my WW online subscription. I'm on my own.

Wiscofest 2010

2010-02-21T19:09:00.000-08:00

I didn't take a shit ton of pictures, only nearly 200, and in two weeks that's pretty little. I'd like to share my trip in pictures! Enjoy :)

This is my best bud Zack and his puppy Karma. Zack is beautiful and is a musician. Yum.

This is my brother in law, KC. Love him, but oh boy did I want to bitch slap him...many many times.

Zack after a few drinks. Self explanatory.

My nephew, Keaton. Isn't he beautimous?

Keaton was not happy.

Keaton unhappy again, with my beautiful sister Jenn!

A whole shitload of turkeys. I actually hit a turkey once, in my first car. My car tapped his ass. Yes I know how fucking dirty that sounds you gutter brains!

What do you think? Time for a haircut? I agree!!!

I love my cousin. And her hands. She works magic!

That's WHAT?!

That's the cousin, Jenny Mae, she does not look impressed.

Almost but not quite there, haven't finished the cut or colored yet.

Ignore my face, CHECK OUT MY HAIR!!! It has been years since I've chopped that much hair off. Feels pretty great!

Check it out! You can see the tatty. It's an angle cut, I heart it.

This is my mum and my baby bro. Yeah he's taller than me too. Even when I'm in heels.

My baby bro and his very beautiful, very prego wife. She should pop any freakin day now. I know it's not a great pic but my camera was being a cock that day.

Jenn hates pics when she's not all gussied. This is her gettin ready to FINALLY get our matching tatt...and our awesome artist, Brandon.

Outline? Check! Look familiar?

I love this beautiful type of art.

And after two and a half years, we finally match!

This is my friend Heather, we hadn't seen each other in twelve years before this night, and it was like we'd never stopped talking! PS: Always have to have a before picture...as in before I got so tanked I tried dancing on the bar but couldn't get myself higher than the chair.

Me and my girl Beanie. Yes I was well on the way to WOOHOO by this point!

My girl Krissy's bro Alex. Can you see the look in my eyes? It says "I'm drunk and sexy and you can't touch this, unless I say okay...okay."

Karissa. She's a homophobe. So I kissed her cheek. She cringed. It was funny as hell.

Krissy's rockin out! This was AFTER our little karaoke stint. Oh yeah didn't I mention that? We rocked some No Doubt and Aretha Franklin. We're cool like that.

Do you see it now? Do you see the drunken Amber?

The after picture...but before the chair dancing.

This was after the chair dancing. I'm pretty sure she's holding me up.

And the final jagerbomb of the night. Here's to a great group of ladies I say!

The End.

3.4

2010-02-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

That's better than the 7 I was betting on I guess. Still put me back to a place I don't want to be. I've started working out again, not that two whole days in a row is cause for celebration, but it's a start. I'm screaming at myself to get back to tracking, but I don't want to be that accountable. That stops today, breakfast...string cheese. Just one.

This has been a shitty week. I wouldn't be so dramatic as to say the worst of my life, but it's pretty up there.

Minus 2

2010-02-19T07:35:00.001-08:00

And no I do not mean pounds. It appears in my downside I've lost two followers. To that I say...fuck, whatever. I started this blog for me. I didn't search for others to follow and comment, I searched for others to inspire me, and for which I could comment and encourage them. I'll admit seeing the follower number drop it stings a bit, but only for a second, because this was never about anyone else.

I hope today finds you all well, and finds me less stuffing of face.

shame

2010-02-18T20:57:00.000-08:00

Since Tuesday morning I have polished off 9 chocolate covered cherries, two bags of chocolate turtle chex mix, 1 bag of baked tostitos, a cinnamon roll...a big one, and this is just the snackies. Some of the snackies. I know there were more. Tons of string cheese.

I'm going to weigh in on Saturday and I'll be surprised if I don't see a 7 lbs gain since my last weigh in. I will be surprised, and damn lucky. I need to stop this shit. I don't know how I ended up back here. I DO NOT WANT TO BE 285 LBS AGAIN!!!

Can I get a refund?

2010-02-17T10:36:00.001-08:00

So yesterday I was all, can't wait to get back to blogging, I've got goals again, got motivation, I'm ready to rock this shit.

And then I got sham wowed by a shit ton of bricks. And they weren't all amazing and cool like the actual sham wow.

I was up until midnight crying. I woke up nearly in tears. I've spent my day not wanting to eat and then having a bite and pretty well binging. I hate that I'm an emotional eater. I hate that I'm emotional. Can I just be dead inside? Will that work?

I want to eat everything, but I don't want to eat at all. I want to do some retail therapy but am so far in debt and so low on cash I wouldn't be able to do it at the dollar store.

Truly what I want to do is go back home. I miss being happy. I miss smiling and laughing. I need a hug. A real one. I need a hug that squeezes and comforts and pulls all the pain out.

I'll probably be back at some point, maybe even post some of those pics from the happy trip....however...I can't say when. It was hard enough for me to write this. I'm isolating again. Trust me, it's better for all of you.

Best of luck and hope your lives are going better than mine!

Hello?

2010-02-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

Anybody out there still? Anyone remember who I am?

I'm back!!!! I've been a horrible holiday blogger, both reading and posting, but I'm here now, and ready to get back into the groove of things....mostly. I hate Canada.

Will post a good'n later!

Eventually I'll catch up

2010-02-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

For now though I'm happy to say I finally made it into Wisconsin...at 11 pm. Yeah...that three hour layover in Minneapolis turned into two...then to eight. I didn't get to bed until 2 am when we finally drove up to the house in Merrill. Needless to say being awake for 40 some odd hours and gettin gut rot from espresso and red bull...but meeting some wicked people at the airport...it was a loooong fucking day yesterday.

Hope you're all well!

It's gonna be a long fucking day...

2010-02-01T02:30:00.000-08:00

Finally tried to get to bed at midnight, not ten minutes later Tony's up and puking. Then puked about every 45 min- 1 hour there after. No sleep for me.

Fuckity.

Up in three hours

2010-01-31T22:51:00.000-08:00

I have been shit for a blogger.

Now it's ten to midnight, I need to be up in three hours to finish my packing, grab an eat, and get to the airport.

I can't sleep. I'm going to miss my son. I already feel like a limb was cut off and I am not looking forward to hugging him goodbye at the airport tomorrow. I'm not used to leaving him. This is killing me. I feel so sick.

Then my head likes to fuck with me. Awesome imagination has me dying on the airplane, or my hubby and son dying while I'm gone. Where the fuck do I come up with this?! I'm not afraid of flying...I'm afraid of dying. And this always happens before I have a flight out. Just never this bad, and I think it has to do with not taking Tony with me.

Fuck'n fuck y'all.

Missing the pit...

2010-01-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

To get it out of the way, no I have not worked out, in fact I doubt if I will at all this week. And right now, don't care. It sucks, and yes I know I'm setting myself back, I'll get back to it when I'm out of my funk.

Onto the pit!

Last night I went to see Airbourne, The Joe Perry Project, and Motley Crue. I loved both the Crue and Airbourne, I was very very unimpressed with JPP. But good lord ladies...oh the hair, and the leather, and the man hips just a movin...yum. Add to it that I only now discovered that Tommy Lee plays piano (yeah I know, I'm not all that observant), he's a new crush. I can't help myself. I adore piano players.

Because these tix to see the Crue were a very last minute Christmas present from the hub we got stuck with nosebleeds. Decent ones mind you, we could actually see the band...they were the height of my son's GI Joes...but still, we could see them. It was probably better that I wasn't down where I belong though, because oh yes, the pit IS where I belong. I'm pretty sure I've been sportin a slight fever the past couple days, which would explain my insane need for sleep, my throat's been raw and I know it's no longer because the amount of cigarettes I've smoked, I'm out of denial, I'm sick. Damn it.

Either way, while I sat up in my nosebleeds (because I felt faint so was lame and sat), I stared down over the standing floor area. That fenced off area right by the stage, close enough for the spit showers. I could close my eyes and feel it, experience it...and fuck me did I miss it. I can't even explain every feeling, imagine the scent of sex, sweat, booze, excitement, anger, love, fear...feeling the bass and drums thump through your body, nearly stopping and restarting your heart to its rhythm, the wet hard bodies surrounding you, pushing you, screaming with you, dancing, fighting, aching to get closer to those that we idolize and adore. Oh and fuck if you actually get to meet the band, lucky enough to follow them back to their hotel (yes I have...semi local ish bands...no one big unfortunately, but one day, oh one day, I will have my Sully).

As I was sitting in row 233 next to a camo wearin pot smokin lame-o tryin to be a badass...I realized how old I am. Fuck. I'm a mom now, I can't even afford the fucking tickets to hit the floor and elbow my way up to the fence. No more ogling band members and those sexy ass serious faced rent a cops. Some of them could have patted me down anyday.

One day though, I'm going to treat myself. And I will be right there. Making fuck me eyes to the vocalist, guitarist, bassist, drummer...because that's how you end up in the good places, and get the best pictures. Yeah I know, blah blah, I'm married. My hubby knew all this about me before we got together. He knows nothing actually happens...but that doesn't mean I won't play up my "assets" to get what I want. I'm a dirty girl.

And I say all this as I sit at my comp in a hoodie and jeans, hair tied up in a pony, kidlet playin with his GI Joe planes...yeah...dirty girl. Le fucking sigh.

Emotional

2010-01-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

I wish I could explain this without feeling like a complete tool. I don't even have hormones to blame it on. The past few days have been tearful and exhausting, this morning started off with a grand fight. I just don't want to do anything. Not a fucking thing. I want to sit on the couch, that's all.

I know I should work out, I think I'll do the laundry instead.

I'm getting to a point where I kind of want to give up on this whole blogging thing. I'm turning into one of those people that I hate, and I do not like sharing that with the world.

Manic Monday

2010-01-25T18:41:00.000-08:00

I...am....pooped.

I haven't read all of the blogs, I doubt I will, I've read some and commented where I felt the need to, but from here on out it's fresh with blogs. I just can't keep sitting here and going back.

The weekend was good! Mostly. Worked long days with my favorite ex manager, no really, I adore her, and even hit the bar Saturday night for a three hour, 9 ounce bender. Oh yeah, I was hammered. Good times! Had issues with the gal that was sent to "help" us out at the show. Colleen and I work best under pressure, shows are the biggest pressure, this girl kept stepping on our toes, Colleen and I are very much alike. We were ready to snap, and she was sent home early on the "it's pretty slow" basis both days she worked.

Had lots and lots of eye candy. Tattooed bald delish yummy bikers. I'm still drooling. Food was...well concession food. I honestly didn't eat much of anything while I was there, but what I did eat, with the exception of the nice little vendor lunch the agri centre laid out on Sunday, was shit. On Sunday I saw the salads and sandwiches and was never so happy to see a carrot stick in my life. It felt soooo good to eat some real food. Unfortunately the little amount of food I ate over the weekend already has me pegged back up to where I was, what the hell! Literally my days were breakfast: small blueberry muffin, lunch: smokie (sausagey type thing for all my 'merican's), dinner: smokie or slice of pizza.

I need to relax. Seriously so tired. I'd also told Ian to be there to pick Colleen and I up at 7 instead of 8 when we were scheduled to be done. Takedown went great and we ended up being finished at 6, when Ian decided to leave Edmonton. Which left Colleen and I sitting around until 8 pm. We were not happy girls.

Then this morning Ian tells me that the receipts I need to drop off, and the email I need to send to head office about my pay....well I have to bus it to the mall and back (2 hours each way), in the time Tony's at school. Ian also let me sleep until 7:30 am. So basically I woke up, threw on some clothes, started a pot of coffee, didn't get any coffee or breakfast, then had to hop on the bus to hit the mall. No coffee, no food, and 6 cigarettes later, I was vibrating and so angry.

Luckily my little Brett, a guy that worked with me at the shop, offered me a ride home. I bought him, and myself, a delish chicken caesar crepe. He made me smile again.

Now it's not even 8 pm. I'm sore, tired, my throat hurts from all the smoking...I'm ready for bed. I leave for Wisconsin in exactly a week. I'm excited, but already dreading the flight.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

oy

2010-01-25T14:57:00.000-08:00

The past four days has been crazy. I'm tired, burnt out, and so ready to relax. I'm going to try to catch up on blogs soon, but I promise nothing. I might just start reading from today. I'll update y'all soon with how my weekend went!

Quick update before I go!

2010-01-22T04:26:00.000-08:00

The scale's whorriness was stowed today as it gave me a 3 lbs loss. Haven't seen these numbers since before October people!

Away

2010-01-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be away y'all until Sunday night. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be three long, grueling, wonderful hours selling gear to (hopefully) some eye candy type bikers! I'm estimating at least 30 hours this weekend, it's going to be great! There's my spending money for my trip back to WI to see my sis!

As I'll be out of town there will be no access to my blog and e-mail. Those of you that can hit me up on facebook or text! Also, no scales at the hotel so I'll be weighing in tomorrow. Hopped on this morning for a cheat peek and saw I'm down 2.6 lbs! Let's home that stays, maybe I'll even drop more, these are numbers I haven't seen since before my last trip home in October!

Speaking of home, it still feels so surreal that I'm going, it's all happening so fast. The closer it gets (10 more days), the more excited I am. I know it's all bittersweet, it's not ideal reasons I'm going home, but I can't help but be excited I'm going to see everyone again. This last holiday was very very tough for me, being away from the fam. And then I guess it kind of hits me that my baby won't be with me. This will be the first time I've taken a trip away from him for more than a couple days. I'm going to miss him sooo much! It's got me teary eyed just thinking about it. I'm going to miss my husband too, of course, that first night alone in bed is always a killer. I'm excited at the aspect of having a solo trip, just me, no worries...but I already miss my son, and the bugger's layin on the couch behind me!

Anyway, this is more than I wanted to get into, just wanted to give a heads up, I'm not disappearing, I'm just disappearing for a few days. Know what I'm sayin? Update on Monday!

Award, booty shakin, and gain

2010-01-18T07:41:00.000-08:00

Up 1 lbs this week. I know why, no it's not ALL food, but no my PMS eating didn't help. Moving on!

I got this sweet award from Miss Suzi:

Thank you!

And here are the are instructions that come along with this award:

1. Copy the image and display it on your blog.

2. List 10 things that make you happy.

3. Try to do at least one of them today.

4. Pass on the award to 10 bloggers who brighten your day.

My list of ten things:

1. My son. No explanation needed.

2. Family and Friends.

3. Happy toes!!!

4. Music

5. Art

6. Travel

7. Reading

8. Trips to the zoo or museums

9. Random presents from hubby, because it's so very very rare that he thinks of it.

10. Dancing the night away! And that's just what I did on Saturday!

Pass it on to ten people? Can't. You all make me happy.

Onto booty shaking!

Saturday night I went out for a high cal carb laden dinner at Olive Garden with a girlfriend of mine. The food was divine and we both ate until we were stuffed. Oh yes, I did! I wasn't worried about it. With only one cocktail and water the rest of the night I danced all those calories off. From 10 pm to 2 am my ass was moving! On the dance floor, on the speaker, even outside during smoke breaks! It's Monday morning and let me tell you, my thighs are still screaming! Today calls for a light workout of pilates, oh yes.

I had cake.

2010-01-13T07:29:00.001-08:00

Boston cream pie flavored. That's right sit in envy. I had a small piece. Yesterday though I also failed to work out, and snackied left right and center. I'm PMSing y'all. I'm going to try to not let it fail me this week, but yesterday was a gong show. Not everything I put into my mouth was bad, it was just more than I should have had. I know that, and I don't know how to explain it, but I was actually hungry. It wasn't just me eating out of boredom, emotion, etc. My stomach was actually growling and kicking my ass because I was hungry. So I fed it. I make no excuses. I didn't do well, and now I'm moving on.

For all of you that have a reply e-mail, I'm going to try and get back to you guys today but I have soooooooooo much to get done! Hope everyone has a wonderful hump day!

I want cake.

2010-01-12T13:56:00.001-08:00

That is all.

Weiner weiner who's got the weiner?

2010-01-12T06:22:00.000-08:00

My girl Julia bestowed upon me this:

Thanks Jules!!!

Apparently I'm suppposed to list seven random things about me then pass this puppy on to seven other bloggers. So here goes:

1. I have anger issues. I know I know most of you are just BAFFLED by this! (insert eye roll here) So far they have been kept pretty well at bay, but I'm really worried that one of these days I will hurt someone that really pisses me off. Like physically. I'm one of those women you have to be afraid of if they get silent. Generally I walk away but...one of these days y'all.

2. I love lists! I don't know why but just doing what needs done is never as satisfying as seeing a list with everything checked or crossed off of it.

3. I love spending my summers at zoos and museums. Especially big museum type things with actors in period clothing, etc.

4. Despite what my blog shows, I don't get along very well with other women. I grew up with the guys, actually just had a comment made to me via text about how many guy friends I have. I told him that these don't see me as a woman...just another one of the guys...with tits.

5. My body is 90% water 10% caffeine. I am a coffee addict. I can't function without the stuff. If you ever want me to do something for you, bribe me with coffee!

6. I love to say the word cunt. Why? Because it's a word that's universally offensive to women. I don't know why. I'm not calling anyone a cunt...mostly pool balls because the bastards haven't gone into the pockets I've directed them too. I don't know, maybe it's because I don't find it offensive, but I love the look of shock on womens' faces when I say it, and the outright amazement of men when they hear it. I should have been a shock jock.

7. Speaking of shock jock, I've got a diploma in Radio Broadcast Arts. And it's useless. The school is shut down and the former president is in prison in Georgia for fraud. Maybe one day I'll get my shot, but not anytime soon.

Okay some bloggy love:

1. Ben
2. Debby
3. Diana
4. Fat Daddy
5. Tammy
6. Carlos
7. Candice

There are soooooo many more I could hand this out to but today I'm choosing to follow the rules...which is totally rebelling for me!!!

Hope my seven randos have brought a little enlightenment.

Dancing!

2010-01-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

I've got the music cranked and am currently bouncing in my computer chair.

I think this calls for a bra and capri dance night after I tuck the Tonester into bed!!!

As Jack said...

2010-01-09T10:23:00.000-08:00

My scale is a whore.

I second that!

I'll be completely honest though. If I'm maintaining at just over 200 lbs, and following plan and exercising (when I never used to) isn't helping drop that weight, does that mean I'm stuck here forever? Am I ok with that?

Please tell me what to do!

Also to clarify, my sis is a chosen sis. She's my absolute bestest friend in the whole world. God couldn't have handed me a blood sister better than her. So in all reality, she doesn't even have my mom to talk to. In fact her mom passed away a few years ago. She doesn't have her mom.

As for the way my mom is acting...I've talked to my cousin and aunt (my mom's sister...real sister) and they've both said this isn't like her. She's with this new guy right? The one she just married? And she's changed herself to cater to him. I didn't even want to tell her I was coming to WI. I shouldn't have. I knew she'd react in a not so positive way. Next time I go I probably won't say anything at all. She's alienating herself from her family. It's killing me. I miss the mom I always knew and loved, this isn't her.

Frustrating

2010-01-09T07:52:00.000-08:00

Down only .4 this week. I've exercised 5 days and with my comp being fixed I've been able to track again...been on plan.

What the hell? I hate my body.

Going home

2010-01-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

So some things have been worked out with my sis. For now there won't be a divorce, but each day will bring something new. I still feel, however, that I need to be there to support her. So with the help of my higher power, and Air Miles, I will be flying into Green Bay next month with mixed emotions.

My mom and I actually argued about it when I asked her for a ride from the airport, and offered to pay for her gas and food on the way home. She told me I can't fix anything, I said I know that and I'm not trying to, she asked how Jenn would feel after I left, I said hopefully that some of the weight of her problems would be going with me. She told me she didn't have money for me, I told her that I have my own thank you very much. She stomped on my heart today, and the longer I think about the way she treated me and the words she said, the angrier and more hurt I get. I need to stop thinking about it. Needless to say I told her to forget the ride, my cousin will get me.

Helpless

2010-01-08T09:15:00.001-08:00

Last night was so bipolar. I got to talk to a friend I hadn't spoken to since at least 1999, it was wonderful catching up with her! I'm looking forward to calling her again today.

However as sooon as I hung up the phone and hopped on facebook before heading to bed my sister popped up and asked if I was around still. She ended up calling me and telling me that things had gotten bad between her and her hubby, he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore and she gave him back her wedding rings. We both know that it's more than that though. He's giving up because of much more than her.

Of course this is one of those reasons I hate living so far away. My sister does not cry. She does not call, reach out, ask for help. So for her to do any of this...it's bad. I feel that she needs me and I can't be there for her.

Ian and I have been saving up Air Miles for a very long time now, waiting until we got enough packed away that we could go somewhere a little tropical. It seems this may be the only way I'm able to go home. The only problem is I won't be able to fly out until at least the 25th as I've got the next two weekends booked up with work, and Air Miles wants at least 7 day advance booking. So I'm waiting, very impatiently, to hear from my sis. If she doesn't want me there, then there's no point in going. If she needs me now, is 20 days too late?

I hate this waiting game.

For Tammy

2010-01-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

So I told her I'd post my measurements since the not nearly 30 day shred off...haven't yet, so here they are Tam!

Nov 30/2009
Arm: 14.75
Chest: 42.25
Waist: 39.25
Hip: 52
Thigh: 26.50
Calf: 16

Jan 2/2010
Arm: 14
Chest: 42
Waist: 38.50
Hip: 50.75
Thigh: 26
Calf: 16

Inches lost
Arm: 0.75
Chest: 0.25
Waist: 0.75
Hip: 1.25
Thigh: 0.50
Calf: 0

Total inches lost: 3.5

As for weight? Only a loss of 0.8 lbs. Fucking gay.

I hope getting back on with my tracking and working out with the bootcamp 6 days a week will speed shit up. I'm sick of maintaining!

PS: Yes, my hips really are that big. I can't believe how fat I am. Fucking hips.

Stay at home mom

2010-01-06T08:45:00.000-08:00

So I got a nudge from a fellow blogger that I hadn't posted in a while...here's a bit of an update.

Eating: ok
Exercise: it's on like donkey kong!
Work: My husband fired me. Yeah. He says it's just cuz we can't work together, I think it's because he feels that I'm not moving fast enough for him, I feel he hasn't given me a real chance. But how could he when I don't work every day of the week...he fired me after working one day with him after nearly four weeks off. Go figure. So I'm a stay at home mom again. I'm still casual with the biker shop so I've got two weekends lined up that I'm working shows this month. I'm working only a few hours for the Edmonton show but the following weekend I'll be heading down for 30 hrs in 3 days in Red Deer. I'm pretty stoked! I've always loved working bike shows, love the atmosphere, love the people, and from what I've been told Red Deer is one of the biggest shows. Bring on the commission y'all!
Emotional Health: Meh

So far this week has been pretty fucking shitty. I'll deal with it though. I'll get through this.

On a positive note my comp is back up to a point where I am able to access WW Online without fearing my stored credit card info will be kifed. So I'm back to tracking!!! This means I should no longer be stuck in maintenance mode. Seriously, I think once I get to where I want to be...I'll be able to maintain no problem. I've been doing it for months!

I'm really loving this bootcamp DVD that Tammy got for me. I'm still in level one but have just started keeping constant with it on this past Monday so I'll stay there for a bit, however the 3 lbs weights I've been using have just felt way too light so I bumped up to the 5. I still feel like I'm getting a far better lower body workout than upper (my ass is killin me y'all!) but Tammy warned me about level two so I'm counting on my arms burnin like mad once I get there.

For now, that's all she wrote.

2010, blogroll, etc

2010-01-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

So with my last post and my excitement for 2010 will bring...I've decided it's time to clear out some of my blogroll. I've been following a shit ton of blogs since I started and probably only 15 people are still blogging.

However, I've come to this decision over one person who has just started, and blogs nearly every day. I came to this because he makes me very very angry. A girlfriend of mine told me last night that I have anger issues...well that may be, but when I want to throw my computer monitor out the window because some guy blah blahs about bullshit, it's time to stop reading.

The sad thing is I was led to his blog because I was told it was heartbreaking, so I started commenting, at first it was encouraging, I was trying to help, reaching out, etc. Then I started getting snarky, stopping just short of saying "QUIT BEING A FUCKING TOOL YOU D-BAG IDIOT" because I really really wanted to.

If you're curious...just e-mail, I'll tell ya.

For a special girl I know...

2009-12-31T12:08:00.000-08:00

There's this girl I know, that told me not so very long ago that she was giving up. That she HAD given up. I can't let that be ok. Why? Because I'm there hon. I've walked that line. My stats seem pretty great. Sort of. I just took a look at a bit of my past on this blogger thing.

My first post was on June 12/2008. I was ten weeks into my journey, not very long at all. I had lost 20 lbs by that point. Not too shabby eh? January 10/2009 I weighed in at 237. My most recent WI has me at 209. Giving me a loss of only 28 lbs. For a whole year! That's all I've done?! If that isn't enough to get me to give up, I sure don't know what is. Let's take a look at some pictoral progress...

This was taken sometime in the summer of 2007. And stupid me, I thought I was kinda cute.

This was Jan. of 2008, a couple months before I decided it was time. I'll let you know now, I don't take full body pictures. If I manage to find any for this post...you'll be lucky.

This was taken at my little brother's wedding, July 26/2008.

This was taken October of 2008. I don't remember the occasion, but I thought I was cute.

Feb 2009, look at my fat face

March of 2009...real attractive.

June 28/2009...this is why I don't take pictures unless hair and makeup is done. Seriously.

August of 2009, first time I ever saw a picture of me taken by someone else where I didn't have three chins!

Oct 2009

Halloween 2009, also the first time I ever left the house (ever in my life) in a dress this short...

And finally my most recent...this was taken on Christmas eve...

And that's it my friends. Does it look like anything special? Hell no. Nearly two fucking years and I've lost a whopping 75 lbs. And gained god knows how much because I'm not a nazi. I'm on a roller coaster. Insert a big le sigh here.

Now I knew then that it was going to take time. I figured 18 months tops to be at goal. If I knew then that nearly two years down I wouldn't even have seen the underside of 200 would I have kept going? Would I even have started?

Yeah...I think I would. It would have been a lot harder to handle. But 2010 finds me a much healthier, far more active girl. It's a long road, but it's worth every hurdle, every back slide and every fucking struggle to get back on the right path. Because now it doesn't kill me to run with my kid..well mostly. But I can walk straighter, keep my head a bit higher, I can actually feel like I've accomplished something. I can breathe better, sleep better, sit better...everything.

It's worth it girl. Never give up. We're in this for the long haul. I hope not so long for you as it has been for me...but even if it is, it'll be worth it, and I'll be right here with you.

Tagged!

2009-12-30T11:40:00.000-08:00

And I'm not talking about that beautiful grafiti on the side of a train, I mean this chick Julia decided she wanted to know the top ten things that make me happy. Funny enough, a lot of them coincide with hers!

1. My son. Come on now, y'all had to see that coming. Without him my life would have no meaning.

2. Singing. No lie. I used to sing really well, in choir, did solo ensemble, all that shit. I can't sing for shit now but I don't care. I loooooove to sing. And I generally sing to either match or alter my mood. Music is hugely influential in my life, especially emotionally.

3. Being home and smelling the rain. This may sound weird to you but it makes perfect sense to me. I was born in Texas, raised in Wisconsin, and spent every summer until my 17th in Texas with my grandparents. I've smelled the rain in both of these states and as alike as rain should smell, somehow the scent of it on concrete always brings me back to Texas. The scent of a wet grass and tress and I'm right back in Wisconsin. It's peace and beauty to me.

4. Spending time with my "sister". Yeah yeah quotes, blah. She's not blood. She's chosen. And she represents everything that defines a sister to me. We can sit and not speak a word to each other, and be ok with it. We can get into a heated debate and argue for hours, smoking and drinking coffee, and end the argument laughing. She's my best friend. I love her.

5. Hitting concerts. Self explanatory really. If you haven't experienced, or haven't paid attention, to the atmosphere of an amazing show, I dare you to. Stand at a show and FEEL it. Don't just listen, don't just be part of the herd, FEEL it. It will change your life. I promise.

6. Watching tornado movies with my son. He's just as into them as I am now, only he hasn't experienced one yet. This summer we'll be heading to Texas for a week, either it's going to scare the shit out of him or he'll want to move to Tornado Alley and chase storms when he grows up!

7. Listening to my son sing. I pray that he has my (or what I had anyway) talent, and that he uses it to his full ability. He is only five and has a wonderful appreciation of music. Let's hope it sticks!

8. Like Julia, I love the sun! People give me shit for moving to Canada and now I give my hubby shit for not moving us to Texas. I'm telling you, I have setbacks every winter because of a lack of sunlight. With the cold and snow and gloom...I just want to curl up and hibernate. I was probably a bear in a past life.

9. I love to laugh. I haven't laughed enough lately. I miss home. I laugh so much when I'm back with my family and friends in Wisconsin.

10. Love. And it doesn't have to be a romantic love. This is one of the reason bitches hate me and men misunderstand me. I can love you, and tell you I love you, without wanting to fuck you. Get it? But yeah, I love love. I love caring for someone and knowing they care about me. I love giving all of myself, the only thing I fear is getting burned. But...it only makes you stronger right?

Anyway. Here's my list. Now apparently I'm supposed to tag 10 more people or some shit, but I won't. Yeah I'ma cop out. Think about how happy it might make you to post and think about what MAKES you happy though...sometimes that's all it takes to put a smile on your grouch ass face.

<3

Wow!

2009-12-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

Just finished my first bootcamp workout. Let me tell you, during the workout it didn't seem so bad, during cooldown it all hit me. I'm hot, sweaty, and ready to shower then die, it was FREAKING AWESOME!

I love you Tammy! haha

down

2009-12-26T14:43:00.000-08:00

So WI was okay today, down 1.6, dropping the water weight and taking me back to the previous week plus an extra .2 down. Not bad considering the amount of boozeage and lack of exercise this week.

I'm back on track today though, woke up and did a boxing day workout. I think I'm going to try the bootcamp, mix it up a bit. Pretty safe to say I failed the Shred off. December was a stupid month to try. Tammy agrees!

There is another blogger out there who's struggling, A LOT! She says she's given up, but I'm hoping I can help her. I'll be posting a blog up here pretty soon for her, but no, I'm not going to out her so you'll just have to deal with that. :P

I hope everyone had a wicked Christmas! Santa brought me tix to see the Crue, I must have been a good girl!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2009-12-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

So food? Bad. Shred? Ok. Current WI. Up 1.4 from the 3 lbs loss from last week. So I'm less than half a pound from 75 lost...yet again. Oh yes I do love that roller coaster. However I'm chalking 3/4 of the gain to bad eating, 1/4 to PMS and water retention doom. Oh well.

Today I skipped a second day of Shredding. I was busy aaaaaall day, finally got home at 9 pm after hours of shopping, and hubby and kidlet took over the telly to watch the hockey game. It's now 20 after 11 and there's no way I'm gonna try it y'all. I'm sorry, call me a failure, I don't give no fuck. I'm too tired and sore to push myself tonight.

Also, I'm bored. Like so very very bored with the Shred. I don't think that physically I should be moving up to level three tomorrow morning, but I think I just may have to, otherwise I'm going to give up on the Shred and move on to other things. Like the wicked awesome bootcamp that I've yet to try (that the totally wicked awesome Tammy sent me for Christmas--what a doll!!!). So yesterday I skipped the Shred as well, however, I replaced it with 45 minutes of bellydancing, and at least 40 minutes of some Carmen Electra cardio strip love. Funny enough both of these would have had me huffing and puffing and dripping sweat months ago, last night I just got a nice toasty warm feeling. They're not even close to the intensity of the Shred which makes me like the Shred even more because I know my body needs it...but now I'm going to be on the hunt for more Jillian vids and Biggest Loser type vids. As much as I love Miss Carmen...she just ain't doin me the way she used to.

Christmas shopping is nearly done. Of course we've already gone over budget, finances would give me a heart attack and make sure I didn't gain a pound as I'd be too scared to eat due to massive amounts of nausea, if I let it of course. This year the holidays have hit me harder than I can remember. I'm aching for my family back in the States. I love my hubby's family, but it's never the same, and they don't fill my soul the way my family does.

I'm looking forward to January! On the weekend of the fifteenth I'll be working a few hours for a couple days at the Edmonton Bike Show. I told hubby that if it were possible I'd work only shows and I'd love it, but there's an atmosphere at a show that could never ever compare to standing behind a till, and in order to work these shows as I know them I'd have to be standing behind that till fairly regularly. So nope. He was great though, he said if I wanted to travel all over Canada and the US and be a major rep for a bike he'd totally support me, but I can't do that either. I have a little boy, he needs his mum, and I need him. But it really did make me feel wonderful to hear that.

I don't know if I'll be posting again before Christmas, if I don't, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and an amazing New Year!

Update

2009-12-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

Since I've been away from the comp I've missed exactly one day of my shred so today marks day 15 for me. I missed because I've developed an ear infection that has left me half deaf in one ear (but may or may not recover hearing) and the day after I saw the doc I didn't get off the couch other than to pee or go to bed.

I fought myself to shred today.

I have been riding a low for sometime now, tried to pull out of it but it never lasts, today I feel like I've nearly hit bottom.

I won't bore you all with the details. Just know that I miss the positivity of the blogger community.

Day 7 level 2

2009-12-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

Oi. Good times I tell ya! Level two was definitely more challenging but I soooo need it after the extra easy time of level one. I'm now dripping sweat again and it feels great!

I've got a week off of work so blah...e-mail me people and keep me company!

Self love:

Yes I did just post a pic of my ass.

Look at that curve baby!

Days 5 and 6

2009-12-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

Shred completed for both days (woot) tomorrow I start level 2! Wish me luck y'all!

Yesterday was a very very slow day at work. Then when the munchkin got home he was crying and running a very obvious fever, coughed like a 4 pack a day smoker, and was so unbelievably lethargic. Off to the doc we went. 2 1/2 hours and a missed nail appt later and we were handed some antibiotics to treat a viral infection. I know I know, they won't do dick all for what's ailing him, but apparently it may keep any bacterial infection from forming while his immune system is compromised. Let's just say I was not impressed with this foreign doctor. And that's me saying it nicely.

Today I was supposed to head to Shopper's and get pics copied and stamps for Christmas cards etc etc...well with Tony sick it didn't happen. So I have to attempt again tomorrow. And do laundry because I bailed on that today and instead made scrumptious choco chip cookies. Don't worry, I didn't eat them all.

This morning's WI brought 2 lbs back onto my fatty mcfatterson body. Not impressed. The only reason I'm not giving Jillian a big fat fuck you and tossing the vid into the trash is because I'm in this with Tammy. Seriously. Jillian you're lucky you've got Tammy to back you up otherwise I'd break your skinny ass like a twig. For real.

Fuck it, it's day 4

2009-12-03T18:29:00.000-08:00

Shredded a bit late today. The kidlet had only a half day so I let myself sleep a bit more and got the Shred in after he'd left for school. I want to clarify for y'all, I DO eat breakfast! Just not before I workout.

I'm getting very annoyed with my body. Thus far my daily WI is showing a 1.3 lb gain. Not happy.

Level one is getting too easy, I'll be bumping up to level two by Monday at the latest.

Self love...well hubster still didn't upload pics so I'll share an old one:

Yes I love my shoes. They are sexy shoes, but that's not what I'm lovin at the moment. Check out my ankles. I know that's a wierd thing to say...ankles...but really. I've always been big, but my ankles never have been. The only time I experienced the pain of cankles was when I was pregnant. Otherwise I've always had strong but slender, sexy beautiful ankles. I heart them.

Shred day 2

2009-12-02T05:28:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else know how awkward working out while wearing a thong is?

Next time I vote commando.

Also, I hate making breakfast. That's right. The fat girl doesn't want to eat in the morning.

Shred off Day 1 (or 2?)

2009-12-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

Alright dudes and dudettes, I completed today's Shred without feeling like I was going to go to the dark side, woohoo! I actually felt pretty good after today's shred, and had a nice bowl of oatmeal after my workout. Cam you asked if I eat before my workout, I do not. I can't eat before a workout. I know I know it's not the best idea in the world but I know if I don't get up and get my workout done...it WILL NOT get done at all. So I just do it yo. Then I eat.

I've been setting the alarm for 4:30 am hoping that I can snooze my way to getting up at 5 am. I'm still averaging about 5:15 that I start my workout and that's just too damn late. I hate rushing to get lunches made and get my shower in and get ready for work and all that shit, and it seems like I get frantic doing that after my workout.

So, no body love pics as of yet, although maybe through my most recent progress pics taken this morning I can just pick something out of them. I need to get on it yo! And my hubby dearest needs to get the damn necropsy pictures off my camera. I'd have been more apt to take tons of self love pics and pic from any one of them but with the necro pics there's no way dude. I don't want to see froggy innards. The only reason I took the damn progress pics was because I told Tammy it's the easiest way to SEE the results...and it's true!

So to reveal my horrible disgusting befores:

Ok...nope. There's nothin I can do to pull some positive out of those pics. And I swear if you judge me I will find you and break your damn nose.

Now for more ugliness...my measurements:

Arm: 14 3/4
Chest: 42 1/4
Waist: 39 1/4
Hip: 52 (I think I'm going to puke)
Thigh: 26 1/2
Calf: 16

There it is, all my shame in all its fatty glory. Jillian better kick my ass this month.

Until next time...

Shred Eve

2009-11-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

So I did some Shred this morning to prep for my next 30 days and Shredding with Tammy and Co.

After I was done getting the kidlet up and started putting some grapes into a bowl to wash for breakfast, I nearly hit the ground. Yup, everything turned a hazy black. So I had to sit down and felt really odd for the rest of the day, until I ate more substantial food. Maybe that's a hint?

Tonester lost another tooth yesterday, my baby's gettin so big!

I'd show you some lovey type pic, however my hubby's got necropsy pics on the camera and I just refuse to upload those. He needs to take care of it tonight though because I need to get a progress pic up tomorrow.

Oh and Tammy...in less than twelve hours IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

The definition of insanity...

2009-11-28T19:32:00.000-08:00

Is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Something's gotta change. So I lost a little this week, big deal, I'm still five pounds heavier than I was at one point in my journey and this is soooo not where I want to be right now. Thanks to a few fellow bloggers I've decided that my journey is no longer about weight loss, but also about learning to love myself.

It's so often that I look in the mirror, or look down at myself, and feel nothing but hatred and shame. The last time I remember looking at myself and being ok with who I was and what I looked like I was seventeen years old. That was a long ass time ago. After nearly ten years of falling back into the black hole of doom and spouting venom and toxicity at myself I find that mentally and emotionally I just can no longer take the self abuse. It's not right, so today is the day that I begin another life changing journey, the one that will hopefully take my self hate and turn it into...if not love then an appreciation of what and who I am.

The first step is blogging more often. It doesn't seem like much, but when I feel I have nothing to say, nothing positive, nothing negative, just...nothing, then I don't say anything at all. I don't know that I can promise any amount of blogs, but I know I need to do it far more often. It can be very therapeutic.

The next is posting pictures. Pictures of good things, of bad, of anything. I've seen some body love pics, and I sooo envy the women that have done that. Maybe I can get some courage up to do something similar myself. I'd like to post pictures of certain things on my body that I do love. But one at a time. Progress pictures are a must!

Another thing I need to do is go shopping. I know, haha, I'm a woman and women feel the need to shop. It isn't that. I'm still hiding in my clothing. When I was in Wisconsin my cousin told me that she feels like since I've lost weight I'm hiding my body more than ever. What's with that?! Shouldn't I be proud and happy to show myself off? I'm not though. I'm not done yet, I'm not ready to reveal. But I've also discovered that in hiding my body now, I don't appreciate how far I've come or the changes that should be quite visible. It's time to come out of my shell and stop dressing like I did at 285 lbs.

So with all that being said I'm going to make these changes. Whenever I have some quiet time I WILL blog. Whenever I see something that I like, I will post pictures. When I see something I don't like, I'll find something about it that is better than before, and then post a picture of that. I'm going to make these changes, I'm going to learn. It may take me a while...but I'll get there.

Down

2009-11-28T12:54:00.000-08:00

2.8, blog to come tonight as soon as I have some delish quiet time!!!

Funny isn't it?

2009-11-24T16:45:00.000-08:00

How quickly something happens and as insignificant it may seem it can damage any pride and progress you may have made.

Last night hubby was especially cranky. He had a few rounds at me that normally I would have jumped at the chance to fight back, we all know my temper, but somehow had me so stumped and hurt that I just couldn't. You see I didn't know then, nor do I know now, what it was that caused his toddler sized fits.

Then this morning I woke up in a mound of pain and just utterly feeling like shite that I decided I needed a sick day. I felt that maybe it were better if I didn't go to work with Ian, even moreso when I discovered TOM had made an early appearance and decided to kill me with cramps. Oh yeah, TMI, I don't give no shit. I'm a woman, it's just the way it goes.

I tried to stay in bed and just keep resting while I could as I knew that hubby knew I was staying home, but he refused to get out of bed and get my kidlet fed and ready for school so, as there's no rest for the wicked, I was up and taking care of business as usual. It kept crossing my mind that I should really get my Shred in, but I couldn't find the motivation. I'd even thought, hey I know I feel like shit but I should clean the house. It was the perfect opportunity. I got the whole day to myself so why not take advantage right? Right. I stayed in my jammers until an hour before I had to pick Tony up from school.

Today I feel like a failure. I feel like a loser. I know 80 percent of this is hormone-ays talking...but just for today, I lost.

I know tomorrow is a new day, I know tomorrow I can start over, but if I'm this loser-ish now, what's going to happen in December when Tammy and I do our Shred off? Will I flake all losery then too?

Fuckin fuck.

'Merican Thanksgiving!

2009-11-21T08:58:00.000-08:00

Hey all, down 0.8 this week. Not great, but definitely not the slap in the face of the 1 lb gain and the 0.2 loss of the past couple weeks.

Tonight my in laws are holding an American Thanksgiving dinner for me, how sweet is that?! Generally I find myself missing both so a few years ago I started having one for American Thanksgiving. I only indulged in Turkey once a year, and I love turkey. I made sure I had my damn Turkey! Ha!

I'm looking forward to tonight's dinner, although it'd never compare to my mom's or even my own. Canadians cook so differently!

Hope this finds everyone well :)

Not so happy hump day

2009-11-18T06:18:00.000-08:00

It's a new record my friends. I think I was all happy go lucky for two freakin days.

Last night, yeah yeah I'm one of those, I stepped on the scale and saw 217. I seriously almost started crying. Stepped on this morning and saw 215, and then I got angry. Big surprise right. I swear if that fucking scale had a face I'd punch it right in its nose.

I'm finally getting more work in as Ian's caught up, and I've been working my ass off with my workouts. Shredding every morning then pilates at night, with the exception of Tuesdays. It's shit like the stupid vaginaface scale that keeps me from enjoying working out. How the fuck are those numbers going up? How is it that I can barely move my ass from the fucking couch and drop 1-2 lbs a week? Before I left for WI I was down to 205. What the fucking fuck?!

Today is a bad bad day....bad day.

Monday

2009-11-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

Good morning lovelies!

This morning I hit the snooze on my phone for an hour, crawled out at 6 am, ran downstairs and hit up Jillian for some early morning lovin, then got the kidlet out of bed and fed while I showered. Had him to school for twenty after seven.

It's quarter after eight and now I have to get my ass in gear to eat. Seriously.

Today marks a new day my friends. Today begins the Monday-Friday Shred. Wish me luck!

meh

2009-11-14T03:42:00.000-08:00

down 0.2.

I guess it's a start. And at least it isn't a gain.

Kind of a slap in the face though.

Fucking scale.

It was better

2009-11-13T14:46:00.000-08:00

Tammy advised I have hubby take the evil bag of bite size butterfingers and put them out of sight. And then move on. Done and done.

Now my problem is that I'm a daily scale peeker. And I know my bit o' binge would not have fucked me that much this week. However my numbers on the scale are still up. If not higher. I am not looking forward to WI tomorrow.

People keep telling me to take a breath, when you first start exercising blah blah blah. Here's the deal, I'm taking measurements tomorrow soon. If I don't see a drop in the scale in the next couple weeks I'm going to go spastic.

Today sucks

2009-11-11T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm a bad partner in crime.

My body is rejecting me.

Tomorrow I shred. And stay away from the butterfingers. And drink water and sleep properly.

Tomorrow will be better.

Arachno-fucker!

2009-11-11T07:01:00.000-08:00

First off I must say I think I was a bit zealous, and not totally clear, about my exercise intentions. I discovered yesterday that there's no way in hell I'd be able to do a workout Tuesday nights and be up for 5 am on Wednesday. Reason being I have meetings that run until usually 9:30-10 ish pm. Now I know some of you are hardcore like that and will still do it, I however need wind down time after a work out to be able to sleep, and only after a low intensity workout. So there's all that, also Saturday and Sunday are my days off. I need days off. Next month when Tammy and I do our Shred off (ps if any of you would like to join just drop me an e-mail!!!) I will be working out the Shred only on the weekends, but this normally no way. My body needs to repair, those are my days.

On to the arachno-fucker!

Yesterday at work I encountered many of the evil bastards. The first one was easily destroyed, the second was the size of a hippo and had fangs bigger than Texas. I swear the fucker hissed at me! So I grabbed the broom and ninja swept his ginormous ass into a hole in the floor! Yeah! I was feelin pretty good until his rhino sized partner in crime crept up on me. Eyes glowing bright red, legs dancing and ready to spear me in the heart. I screamed and my wonderful hubby told me to suck it up. Which immediately earned him a death glare. My death rays must not be working because he completely ignored me, the bastard. So with the aid of the same spidey killing broom I swept his ass out from the corner and stomped him. I saw blood squirt everywhere but still felt the fucker crawling on me...which called for a well deserved cigarette!

Another of the fuckers came running toward me, front legs raised, ready to attack, so I stomped his ass too. One smaller one, I'd say the size of a gator, I was able to work around...very very carefully...but we laid out boundaries. I told him he was to stay in his corner and I'd stay in mine...and then he disappeared and I got the heebie jeebies.

Then I hear my husband. My sweet, wonderful, loving, dear husband. He yelled out something to me that I was unable to hear as the radio was nicely cranked. I said what? He yelled again...huh? Then he's behind me and he says, very loudly, "You should see the size of this spider!" I turn around and in his hands are 40 flying legs and giant bulgy eyes and fangs and disgustingness. I screamed, nearly threw my tape measure at hime (I regret not doing it) and ran. The ass hat laughed. A lot. The spider was a tree seed. Like poplar fuzz type shit.

I think I'll file this for reasons to divorce! Ha!

I promise that I'll leave you satisfied!

2009-11-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoqtbEhYIV0

And I will! I've been diggin on this Social Code song since it was released. LOVE IT! And I sure hope the embed code works....

So I've been gettin my ass back on track for the past few days. Last week was a hard one. It usually is after getting back from home, every year it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to the ones that I love so much. The past few days though I've gotten myself a wicked awesome WL partner in crime (http://tammys-tale.blogspot.com/), she's already giving me what for and keeping me straight. Just knowing she's there and working toward the same goal is enough. Almost nightly chats about anything and everything...yup...I'm so glad I asked for her help!

I went and did a grocery run on Saturday and LOADED up on fruits, veggies, and all things healthy. Finally some good food in the house! Bye bye poor girl hamburger helper! Last night was some spaghetti, I don't know how to make a good sauce base so I just grabbed a jar of healthy choice then cut up a red pepper, green pepper, yellow pepper, orange pepper, mushrooms, carrots, and zuchinni. Yum! I think all the crap has finally left my body because good lord am I craving the good for you stuff!

Yesterday's breakfast was a fresh fruit salad; 1/2 pear, 1/2 apple, 1/2 banana, and a 1/2 cup of grapes with some light whip...and a whole wheat english muffin. Gotta have my carbs in the morning, I can't help myself! This breakfast is sooooo much better than the coco puffs in WI! Or healthier and more filling anyway lol.

Saturday's WI brought me a 1 lb gain. I worked my ass off last week, granted only for three out of five days, but it was far more physical activity than I've done in a month! My body was tight, sore, aching, and my poor skin was stretched to pain because of water retention. My hands always tell me when I'm retaining water and last week it was mad crazy. Also, hubby said maybe that pound was residual from my time in Wisconsin. Could be! Oh well, over it, and going to kick some more ass this week and I WILL see a drop on the scale next Saturday! Oi...at like 4 am dude!

I have some goals now, after talking with Tammy, that I'd like to accomplish. The biggest being getting more physical activity in, regardless of my physical job. Because one day I will be a runner like Syl (http://www.livesmilerun.com/). I know you're looking at me like my pants are smokin...but really, I'll get there!

So to start I'm going to be doing level one of the Shred on the days I'm not working. I'm thinking of nudging Tammy into finding the vid so maybe during December we can have a Shred off! Every evening, well Monday through Friday anyway, I'd like to get in half an hour of pilates and half an hour of yoga. Last week when I was working I was quickly reminded of how much I need to stay limber. I could barely move, my muscles were sooooo tight in my legs!

This morning Jillian and I had a round, and it felt great to be back!

Not self conscious...til now...

2009-11-01T07:11:00.000-08:00

The party was great last night. More like a little get together really, the party at Jess's place last year was a drunkfest with tons of people, this year not so much of either at her brother's place.

Tonester made out like a bandit, of course, as the little Iron Man. We still have candy left over. Crap. Tony and Hub are getting lots with their lunches!!!

I didn't drink a shit ton last night. The booze tasted different from my good ol' American booze. Had 1 3/4 of those creamsicle seagram's thingies. And a crusty jello shot lol. Seriously, it was in jello jiggler form so it had a creepy sort of texture.

Damn...why do I always burp up booze taste the next morning? Ew.

Well, promised some pics...deep breath...here they are...with only one body shot.

Doooooooooooooom!

2009-10-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

Okay not so doomed. Here I was thinking...seriously...that I'd end up coming home 20-30 lbs heavier. The scale was nice to me. I only gained 5.2 lbs over the last three weeks. Don't ask me how, because I really don't deserve such a pretty number! Maybe it was all the alcohol that ate the food in my system to keep me from gaining it all back?

Here's a couple pics of good times!

Other than mama drama I had a great trip! I really did not want to leave at all. I missed Hubby....but home is home. He needs to move back home with me. I miss everyone already, and I hate tearful goodbyes. Of course I just couldn't avoid some of them. I always feel like a piece of me is missing when I leave. Ugh. I hate it.

Tonight we celebrate, Tony's trick or treating with Hubby, the little man is going as Iron Man. I have a party with girlfriend, of course we have to dress up. I found this cute little referee dress with knee socks and whistle to book. Pictures to come! If I don't look like a cow, of course. :P

Back to concrete not so heaven

2009-10-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all! I've survived (though barely), these goodbyes are becoming harder and harder to withstand.

I've got oooodles of pics to upload to my facebook still (FB is being a cocksucker), and I plan on posting a few for y'all to enjoy as well! Tomorrow is my first WI since getting home...dun dun duuuuuuuuun. Yup. We'll see how that shit goes. I'll do up a blog with some pics and the doom that is my weight.

I'll also start reading and commenting again. I did peruse while gone, a bit when I had the time, but didn't comment too much. It's time to get myself back to the grind and I need each and every one of you to support as well has receive support from. I've found this whole blogging thing doesn't work for me if I don't give as much or more than I get.

Hope this finds everyone well!

Sabotage!

2009-10-21T00:02:00.001-07:00

Ok now don't get me wrong, I've been eating like a pig in perpetual PMS mode, however, I knew that was coming.

Here's my thing...

My cousin is trying to lose weight. Or says she is trying. That she wants to. She wants a baby and thinks she needs to lose at minimum 40 lbs before her body becomes a less hostile environment. She has PCOS, her hubby had a reversal vasectomy, all kinds of fertility issues. Add being obese on her end, thyroid problems on his...it isn't a pretty picture.

Since I've gotten here I've almost felt like Jim gets defensive of Jenny because I've lost "so much" weight. He said they've tried EVERYTHING and nothing works. I said that maybe they didn't give it long enough...he said no, it's just that nothing works. Period.

Now, I've lived with these guys before. I know how they eat, what they eat, I get it. I was just like them once. They do not have good eating habits at all. Jim doesn't eat breakfast or lunch then pounds it back at dinner and through the night. Jenny swears Jim sabotages her, and you know what? He does. I've seen it. Now I know he just wants to make sure she's fed and happy, but she's thinking he's scared that if she gets all skinny she's going to leave him, because he doesn't think he deserves to be loved.

Either way, here are a few examples of sabotage.

Halloween's coming....I got here on the 8th...they've got three giant size bags of candy and a huge cauldron full as well already. Tell ya what, they'll have to get more before Halloween.

Jenny wanted a corndog for lunch, I wanted a couple tater tots, so Jim headed to the store to get the supplies and came back with that and tons more. Including two containers of donut holes....for breakfast. One is nearly gone.

He asked how many corn dogs we wanted...I said one, he brought me two. So of course I ate them. Then he brings out the tater tots and scooped me some, asked if I wanted more, I said no he'd given me way more than enough, so he tossed another scoop on. Yup. Cuz that's what I wanted right. I didn't finish them to say the least.

I'm sure I'm going home 30 lbs heavier. No really, cuz that's how Wisconsonites roll. Tell ya what, this won't be happening again.

I went to the gym yesterday with a girlfriend, after our hour workout we walked across the street to the bar. Yup. We're going to the gym tomorrow too.

Oi...I'm in trouble y'all. I'm going to need some major support when I get home because as easy as I KNOW it will be to get back to normal eating (I'm already greased out), I'm going to be way more hungry than normal.

Week One

2009-10-15T13:45:00.000-07:00

Today marks one week back home in Wisconsin. I'm almost positive I've gained 10 lbs already. I have two more weeks here! The biggest problem I have is the food here is so good, no really, Wisconsin cheese, Funyuns, Coco Puffs, Easy Cheese and crackers. Deep fried tasty deliciousness. You have no idea. It's not even just the food, it's the fact that it's there man. Just there, so accessible. I'm not eating because I'm hungry, I'm eating because it's there. How sick is that shit? I keep telling myself that I need to get my shit together and calm my eating down or I really will destroy everything I've done.

Honestly though, I don't really feel that bad. I know that the minute I land in Edmonton it's going to be over. I know the way I eat at home isn't going to change so all this crap I'm gaining here is going to melt off, but it's still a very very bad step back. I should feel guilty, I should feel stupid and horrible. I don't. How wrong does that make me?

I haven't taken a picture yet. Not one! I want to get my son and nephew together at a couple parks and the pumpkin patch for pics. I think I'll be taking some of my crew at the bar this weekend. Maybe I'll get a nice pic of my sexy Harley boots for Tammy!

Hope you're all well

If I seem like I disappeared...

2009-10-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

For those of you that care, I truly do apologize. I don't even really know where my head is at the moment. Currently I'm trying to remember everything I need to have packed for my trip to WI on Thursday. Damn just remembered my birth control!

So I'm going to be pretty invisible until I settle in at the house in WI. I'm figuring earliest would be Friday. I'll attempt to get on here before then and try and read and comment, but I'm tellin ya now, chances are I will be missing TONS of blogs out there, sorry guys!

Until then, I'll leave you with a few of my favorite pics from the awesomeness that was my weekend in the mountains!

You can't see one, and these than you can are uber blurry, but it's hard to catch elk on the cam at 6 am when it's still dark! These ladies were sitting right outside our room!

I may be layered in long johns, a waffle shirt, hoodie, jeans, etc...but yup, still fat. Le sigh.

ilovemyjobilovemyjobilovemyjob

2009-09-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

First I nearly gave myself a concussion walking out from underneath a staircase. Then, in a rage, I kicked the nearest thing, a pile of cut 2X4s. Guess who doesn't have steel toes yet.

This girl.

I hate stairs.

eating

2009-09-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

The past couple days I have eaten myself into oblivion. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I guess I haven't quite climbed off the roller coaster. I feel sick.

Pathetic.

meh

2009-09-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Down 3.2 this week. woofreakinhoo.

My son is driving me batty. I hate PMSing and losing self control over everything it seems. I don't mean to get angry but god am I walking a sanity tight rope.

WW say what?!

2009-09-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

So I felt pretty nauseous when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw a gain of 2.6. But I knew it was coming. I entered my weight and recalculated points...and saw a jump of 6 pts a day! That made it even worse.

The last time I remember eating that many points a day was at least 50 lbs ago. So I adjusted them, dropped 2 or 3 off. I just can't imagine...

Now I'm going to be fighting to make sure I eat that many points in a day. When I'm working I don't get very hungry. It isn't until there's a break or after we're done for the day that I find my stomach's growling.

I don't know how this is going to go. Normally I'd give it a minimum of two - three weeks to see if I need to adjust points again, but I'm leaving for Wisconsin in three weeks and will be there for three weeks and my activity level is going to soooo drop. Even if I spend all day walking it's not going to equal the activity level at work, so I'll need to drop points while there, then add them back when I get back. I'm guessing that I won't be stabalizing until near the end of November when I'm back on a regular routine for a few weeks.

34 pts....wow....makes me a little sick just looking at it. I'm terrified! Help?

Gonna be another gain...

2009-09-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

And it's all good yo.

It's been a very crazy busy week. To those of you that have e-mailed me and it's taken me time to respond, so very sorry. Also I've been lacking in commenting on blogs, I apologize for that too. I read them, well scan them, and if it really touches me in some way then I'll comment but...I just don't have much time anymore and the time I do have I'm extremely exhausted.

This past Monday marked my first full day back to work in years. Not any work mind you, now I'm a construction bitch. Since I moved to Canada 8 years ago, and got my first "real" job, I've been in retail. I've sold clothing, cellular phones, western wear, saddles & tack, and most recently biker gear. None of this has prepared me for the physical labour of construction. Or the pure frustration and anger at myself that construction has caused.

I've been a stay at home mom since my son was born. My days consisted of occasional play with the kiddo, games, feeding, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, etc. Now the kidlet's in full time kindergarten and I have a chance to make some real money, no more pocket change. Hubs has worked construction (building frostwalls in basements) for at least six years now. I'd occasionally gone to work with him helped him put in a bit of insulation, raise the occasional stud (damn that sounds dirty)...but none of it has prepared me. I'd have to say this is the most physically active I've been...well ever really.

I'd tried to get into my account on WW to change my daily activity level as I knew it would give me more points during the day to ease the insane hunger that's come with the activity, alas WW website totally denied me. So I haven't eaten the best this week. No excuses. I was hungry, so I ate, and it wasn't always healthy.

Tomorrow is WI and I know it isn't going to be a good one. I'm okay with that. However when I track my weight I'll be able to adjust the daily activity level and then I'm climbing off the roller coaster of fatty love (sorry Simone!), the ride has given me motion sickness and it's time to walk away. Back to constant tracking (even of the little things). I figure with my new ultra physical job and the 30 minute brisk walk to and from Tony's school in the morning I'm burning lots of calories...now I just need to stick with it!

The three week holiday ahead of me is a bit daunting...but not too much. Wish me luck!

Up

2009-09-12T10:40:00.001-07:00

2.4

Last night I had a bottle of wine...yes to myself, then split a 9" pizza and had four lemon pepper wings at about midnight.

I enjoyed every bit of it though.

Next week it will be better.

Super pissed

2009-09-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

Ok so I am officially a hockey mom. Apparently there's more to being a hockey mom than supporting my kid and occasionally telling the little punk that just hip checked my son if he hurts my baby I'll knock his teeth out. Yeah...I'm one of those. Don't hate, you're just as protective of your kids.

We were told to leave a $400 deposit check in the case that we didn't show up for our four required "volunteer" shifts doing concession at Oilers games. This ain't no bingo y'all. Hubs and I have talked it over after wasting four hours and two nights at pointless orientations and cash trainings with the slobbering gimpy idiots pulled right off the Employ Abilities line that actually got jobs at the arena, and they just need to let us know when they're cashing the check. The money will be there. If it were a simple bingo or sending my son door to door with book thingies...sure I'd do it. But I am not working what's really a second job to fund raise for my son's hockey team. Fuck that shit. Let's add that I quit my retail job because I've become so hateful and cynical with the general public that the next person that annoys me may very well be in for a punch in the face.

I heard once that a single person is smart, but people are ignorant. Sometimes it's true, not always. I'm sure people think that I'm an ignorant cocky bitch because of the way I talk, yeah I'm cocky, can be bitchy, but when I say something mean about someone...it's because it's true. And very obviously so.

I never used to be this mean. It wasn't until I spent so much time working retail that I really started hating people. I need to get out. Seriously, or I'm going to alienate everyone I know and end up truly alone. And I don't want to do that, especially to the people that really know me...the real me...not the incessantly angry and bitter bitch that most people see, even so, it takes years for those people to see...I don't open up to people easily.

Anyway...thanks to the most pointless nights of 2009 I'm going to see a gain, I'll be lucky if it's not more than a 2 lbs gain. Those stupid meetings were at 5:30. We had to leave the house at 4 to drop the kidlet off then get back to the northside in time then didn't get to eat until almost 8 pm, if not after, and the only thing nearby was taco bell. It was delicious, but completely screwed me. Oh well. Moving on...again.

Just to clarify

2009-09-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'm getting a lot of guilt about the kids. Here's the deal folks, I don't know her address, I don't know her husband's last name, the only phone number I have for her is a cell. If I did call CPS about the kids all I would have is a bunch of hearsay and no solid evidence. So she told me...they don't give a shit. And even if I did have evidence, I don't know where to point them.

So thank you for your advice...but it's much more difficult than just calling someone and walking away.

Life just can't be easy can it...

2009-09-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not even finished coming to terms with one addict in my life...now there are two...

How do I handle this? I don't know what it feels like, I WILL NOT make excuses for her getting a fix with her two babies in the car so she can "feel better".

What do I say? What do I do?

Fuck.

2009-09-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

Down 4.4

Soul Cleansing

2009-09-03T19:29:00.001-07:00

Tonight it's raining. I love the smell of rain. The forecast called for a storm but lately the rain hasn't been hanging around long enough to really lash out. I think I need it, my soul is screaming for a good storm.

Thunderstorms or rain have always felt like a soul cleansing to me. Metaphorically washing away all the shit. Drama, pain, anger...the toxicity that fuels hate, it's all gone after a good soul cleansing rain. Kind of like a good heart and gut wrenching cry. Right now I need the rain, very badly.

This black cloud that has followed me, building and raging but never releasing, is far more than just self hatred for my slow weight loss, my disappointment for falling so low I can't even stand myself. In the past few days I've found numerous moments that I feel a couple tears staining my cheeks, but I can't just cry. I feel that everything inside me is so congested that it just can not find its way out, and it's slowly eating at me.

I attribute part of this to the way I was raised. My father was a very proud, stoic man. Never one to show or stand for any kind of emotion or sensitivity I was taught from the time I was in diapers and could understand what was going on that big girls don't cry. We haul up our big girl panties and keep on going. My parents split when I was six, finalized the divorce when I was seven, after eight more years living with my hypersensitive mother I still hadn't gotten over the big girl complex. It drove me to cut, drink, smoke, even partake in a few "circles". It also fueled a very volatile temper.

I control tears, I don't control anger. I've been known to scream, punch and kick walls and doors, and throw shit around. Never at the person, just in their general vicinity. Only once have I ever gotten physical with someone, and that's because he made a racial slur against Mexicans...I happen to have Mexican blood and I didn't take to that too well. Before he knew it my hand was pressed against his throat holding him a foot off the floor against a locker, needless to say he never said anything like that around me again.

But I digress...it's been well over a year since I've had a good cry, a really really good cry. I've tried to make myself do it, knowing that when I do I'll feel that darkness ease, craving a bit of serenity from it. Nothing has worked, not movies, not writing, not even music. For those that know me well, they know that music affects, sometimes even controls my moods. If I'm angry I can usually release it by screaming out with a bit of Pantera, Melissa Etheridge, Three Days Grace, Godsmack....whatever fits the anger crying out for release in me.

At this time though, what I feel I need is a good gut wrenching, soul cleansing sob. I just don't know how to make it happen. I'm worried that I'm going to fall apart in the wrong place, at the wrong time, like when I drop my son off for his first day of Kindergarten. I'd started welling up already when we got to take a peek at his classroom. It's all going too fast, way too fast, I'm so not ready for this.

The wind's still whipping outside but the rain has stopped. I guess the we caught the storm's edge and I won't be getting that soul cleansing rain that I need so badly. Oh well, maybe next time.

Thank you

2009-09-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

For all of you out there that commented on my last post or tossed out an e-mail as a show of support, I thank you.

I'm in a pretty bad place right now, in head and heart, and knowing that there is support out there means the world to me.

Down to the nitty gritty

2009-08-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm losing it. It. Everything. After seeing Simone's video tonight I nearly broke down in tears thinking...fuck man...that's me right there. Only she's worked harder than I have. She works her ass off at the gym and making sure she gets her steps in, etc. I don't. I don't make it a point to exercise because every time I do I see a gain. And that shit is going the wrong way. I keep hearing that I need to do it but I know my body, I know what's worked for me, exercise has not been it. For the time being I need to just control my diet. If I can get a handle on that shit and get closer to where I want to be, not AT goal, but more than halfway, then I'll take up exercising again. That way a gain isn't going to destroy me as much.

I don't know why I wrote that. It's an excuse. Completely valid in my mind but still an excuse. I'm angry that I work out and see a gain. So I boycott. Does it do me any good? Probably not. But you know what? I don't fucking care anymore.

I got a comment on my last post, that I haven't yet approved because I really don't know how to take it. When I first read it I felt tears pricking my eyes...I was hurt. But this person is a pretty shoot from the hip kind of person, straight up, straight out, blunt. I appreciate that, I really do, but since I didn't know how to take it, I didn't want to feel completely humiliated either by posting it. For all to see this person calling me out on some things I can control, others I simply can not.

I am a woman. I'm not clinically bipolar, but I've never gone to a doctor either. I have this thing about asking for help. It took me imagining myself pushing my crying infant in his stroller into the river before I went into my doctor's office begging for drugs because I couldn't deal with the post partum depression on my own, and if I didn't get some kind of help, I was going to kill myself. Because though I visualized that shit...I knew I'd kill myself before hurting him. My angel. To this day I still want to plunge a knife into my heart for ever having those thoughts cross my mind. I hate myself still. It wasn't something I could control...but I feel I should have been able to.

Where was I going with this? Oh...right. I am a woman. I am hormonal. That is something I can not control. I wish I could, but I just can't. There are days that you can catch me smiling and happy and joking around...but they've become few and far between. One of my favorite readers, that quickly became a very good friend, calls me his Wednesday. Because mostly I'm cynical and dark, bitter. Like an expensive chocolate. Go figure.

I read all these blogs out there. Happy and excited and oh so positive...and I smile and feel great for them. But that isn't me. I find it hard to find anything positive to write about these days. Hell even the freak stories have disappeared. There's no excitement. Nothing changes. Nothing notable happens. My life has become stagnant. And I just don't know how to put a positive spin on that.

All anyone hears about anymore from me is blah blah roller coaster, blah blah up and down, blah blah blah. I'm surprised I have any readers left really. Who wants to read about nothing? About negative nothings no less? And like Simone...I feel like a fraud. Who am I to encourage or give advice when all I can do is hate on myself for the shit job I'm doing. Cuz that's what it is. A shit job.

For days now all I've wanted to do is curl into a ball and hide under a rock. I don't know whether to attribute that to the hormones or to life in general. I'm not happy, I haven't been happy for some time, I think a lot of it is the toxicity that is the city I live in. I need out. Like yesterday. And I get a lot of people telling me "oh you'll feel better when you get back to Wisconsin in October, it's not much longer". Dude, yeah, that'll help...for a couple days. Then I'll start missing my husband because I'll be there for three weeks and he won't. Then I'll have to say goodbye...again. I've been saying goodbye for eight years. I don't want to do it anymore. My nephew doesn't know me, my brother's baby is due on my son's birthday, he or she won't know me either...my son isn't nearly as close to my family as I feel he could and would be if we were home.

Would I have started this journey or stuck with it if I had stayed in Wisconsin to begin with? I don't know. I can't honestly say that I would have. I'm happy to be going home weighing less than I did when I left it right after high school...but does that change anything? I don't know.

I just don't know. I'm so lost. And as un-alone as I know I am...I feel so so utterly alone. We need a freaking helpline guys. Because blogs do it...just sometimes it's not enough. Now please understand that I'm not saying the comments of encouragement and support aren't so unbelievably wonderful, they are, really, but I feel like a little duck lost at sea. I know there are others like me....but there are miles between us....and sometimes the words are more than enough...and sometimes not.

I'm sorry. This post is all over the place. Scattered everywhere. But that's me right now. Completely scattered.

And.....

2009-08-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

up 1 lbs.

I guess that's lucky considering I was a blubbering depressed hormonal mess this week and ate pretty much everything in sight.

fuck.

failed this week

2009-08-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

And I'm on the downward slope of that Roller Coaster of Fatty Love.

Eating my way through the depression this week.

The fucked up thing was...I wasn't hungry. I knew I wasn't hungry. I said to myself...I don't even want this food....and I ate it anyway. Then I got a big bowl of Reese's ice cream after.

I'm SMRT.

Smart....

Hate.

Happy Toes

2009-08-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

The definition of Happy Toes:

Happy Toes are not smiley faced toes, although they could be if that's what makes you happy. Happy Toes are a splash of color that you would never wear on your body, nails, face, hair but that makes you smile even a little when things aren't so hot.

I wear a lot of dark colors, even on my nails. Currently my nails are tipped a navy blue, very pretty, still dark.

PS: Yes if you click on the picture and get the big view you'll notice my cuticles are covered in polish too. You know...I still haven't gotten the hang of painting my toes. I find it an endearing trait...if you don't you can sweetly bite my Happy Toes :)

Well...it was ok

2009-08-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

I was hoping this WI would bring at least a small loss over all the regain I had from last week. No such luck. I'm down 2.6 lbs this week to bring me right back to where I was. So I kicked the regain's ass...but nothing lower. Yet! I don't know if I'm going to make it to 195 lbs by the time I take off for Wisco, but if I can be below 200 I would be ecstatic!

Speaking of the trip I talked to my auntie who was going to pick me up from the airport when the Tonester and I flew into Minneapolis but it turns out she's going to be camping until the tenth. Two days after I fly in. Not gonna work! lol Talked to my cousin and mom and will find out what's going on there on Wednesday night. There's so much family drama...seriously. For the first time since my son was born I'm wary of leaving him with my mother. She's gone super jesus on me. Not really a bad thing, but she's starting to preach and my son is going to have the right to choose if/what he wants to believe. She didn't like it when I told her that.

I started scheduling some of the days down there yesterday and always am reminded that it's never enough time back home. Three weeks? Nope...maybe three months would be enough. Cousin and I are planning a spa day, I'm pretty stoked about that! She hooked herself up to facebook and myspace and finally got me added. When I talked to her yesterday she'd said she saw the pic that I took at the races, I was like yeah....then she goes "Why are you losing so much weight, now I'm going to be the only fat girl in the family!!" She was laughing as she said it, basically acknowledging my weight loss. She's the first person in the family to see a pic since I started losing the weight. My cousin has PCOS so it's been pretty impossible for her to lose her weight. She can maintain if she's able to lose, it's the losing that's the problem. She said she's looking into lap band surgery after having a baby. She's still not pregnant either...getting a hormone shot today. I hope she gets pregnant...she's wanted a baby for soooooooo long!

Ok this post is all over the place, I really have nothing interesting to say so I apologize lol.

Oh! I painted happy toes last night. I was feeling super lonely and depressed so I gave myself a pedi and covered my toenails in flourescent orange!!! I'll get a pic up for y'all later :)

It was worth it!

2009-08-15T07:47:00.001-07:00

Up 2.6 today. No biggie. I went out with the girls last night and drank and ate a super salty and seasony grilled salmon, also went out for delicious bad for me food earlier this week as told in previous posts. I knew I was going to gain. And it still was totally worth it.

Next week...I'm going to see a loss for sure! Time to kick some ass, right Simone?!