Down to the nitty gritty

I'm losing it. It. Everything. After seeing Simone's video tonight I nearly broke down in tears thinking...fuck man...that's me right there. Only she's worked harder than I have. She works her ass off at the gym and making sure she gets her steps in, etc. I don't. I don't make it a point to exercise because every time I do I see a gain. And that shit is going the wrong way. I keep hearing that I need to do it but I know my body, I know what's worked for me, exercise has not been it. For the time being I need to just control my diet. If I can get a handle on that shit and get closer to where I want to be, not AT goal, but more than halfway, then I'll take up exercising again. That way a gain isn't going to destroy me as much.

I don't know why I wrote that. It's an excuse. Completely valid in my mind but still an excuse. I'm angry that I work out and see a gain. So I boycott. Does it do me any good? Probably not. But you know what? I don't fucking care anymore.

I got a comment on my last post, that I haven't yet approved because I really don't know how to take it. When I first read it I felt tears pricking my eyes...I was hurt. But this person is a pretty shoot from the hip kind of person, straight up, straight out, blunt. I appreciate that, I really do, but since I didn't know how to take it, I didn't want to feel completely humiliated either by posting it. For all to see this person calling me out on some things I can control, others I simply can not.

I am a woman. I'm not clinically bipolar, but I've never gone to a doctor either. I have this thing about asking for help. It took me imagining myself pushing my crying infant in his stroller into the river before I went into my doctor's office begging for drugs because I couldn't deal with the post partum depression on my own, and if I didn't get some kind of help, I was going to kill myself. Because though I visualized that shit...I knew I'd kill myself before hurting him. My angel. To this day I still want to plunge a knife into my heart for ever having those thoughts cross my mind. I hate myself still. It wasn't something I could control...but I feel I should have been able to.

Where was I going with this? Oh...right. I am a woman. I am hormonal. That is something I can not control. I wish I could, but I just can't. There are days that you can catch me smiling and happy and joking around...but they've become few and far between. One of my favorite readers, that quickly became a very good friend, calls me his Wednesday. Because mostly I'm cynical and dark, bitter. Like an expensive chocolate. Go figure.

I read all these blogs out there. Happy and excited and oh so positive...and I smile and feel great for them. But that isn't me. I find it hard to find anything positive to write about these days. Hell even the freak stories have disappeared. There's no excitement. Nothing changes. Nothing notable happens. My life has become stagnant. And I just don't know how to put a positive spin on that.

All anyone hears about anymore from me is blah blah roller coaster, blah blah up and down, blah blah blah. I'm surprised I have any readers left really. Who wants to read about nothing? About negative nothings no less? And like Simone...I feel like a fraud. Who am I to encourage or give advice when all I can do is hate on myself for the shit job I'm doing. Cuz that's what it is. A shit job.

For days now all I've wanted to do is curl into a ball and hide under a rock. I don't know whether to attribute that to the hormones or to life in general. I'm not happy, I haven't been happy for some time, I think a lot of it is the toxicity that is the city I live in. I need out. Like yesterday. And I get a lot of people telling me "oh you'll feel better when you get back to Wisconsin in October, it's not much longer". Dude, yeah, that'll help...for a couple days. Then I'll start missing my husband because I'll be there for three weeks and he won't. Then I'll have to say goodbye...again. I've been saying goodbye for eight years. I don't want to do it anymore. My nephew doesn't know me, my brother's baby is due on my son's birthday, he or she won't know me either...my son isn't nearly as close to my family as I feel he could and would be if we were home.

Would I have started this journey or stuck with it if I had stayed in Wisconsin to begin with? I don't know. I can't honestly say that I would have. I'm happy to be going home weighing less than I did when I left it right after high school...but does that change anything? I don't know.

I just don't know. I'm so lost. And as un-alone as I know I am...I feel so so utterly alone. We need a freaking helpline guys. Because blogs do it...just sometimes it's not enough. Now please understand that I'm not saying the comments of encouragement and support aren't so unbelievably wonderful, they are, really, but I feel like a little duck lost at sea. I know there are others like me....but there are miles between us....and sometimes the words are more than enough...and sometimes not.

I'm sorry. This post is all over the place. Scattered everywhere. But that's me right now. Completely scattered.

And.....

up 1 lbs.

I guess that's lucky considering I was a blubbering depressed hormonal mess this week and ate pretty much everything in sight.

fuck.

failed this week

And I'm on the downward slope of that Roller Coaster of Fatty Love.

Eating my way through the depression this week.

The fucked up thing was...I wasn't hungry. I knew I wasn't hungry. I said to myself...I don't even want this food....and I ate it anyway. Then I got a big bowl of Reese's ice cream after.

I'm SMRT.

Smart....

Hate.

Happy Toes

The definition of Happy Toes:

Happy Toes are not smiley faced toes, although they could be if that's what makes you happy. Happy Toes are a splash of color that you would never wear on your body, nails, face, hair but that makes you smile even a little when things aren't so hot.

I wear a lot of dark colors, even on my nails. Currently my nails are tipped a navy blue, very pretty, still dark.

PS: Yes if you click on the picture and get the big view you'll notice my cuticles are covered in polish too. You know...I still haven't gotten the hang of painting my toes. I find it an endearing trait...if you don't you can sweetly bite my Happy Toes :)

Well...it was ok

I was hoping this WI would bring at least a small loss over all the regain I had from last week. No such luck. I'm down 2.6 lbs this week to bring me right back to where I was. So I kicked the regain's ass...but nothing lower. Yet! I don't know if I'm going to make it to 195 lbs by the time I take off for Wisco, but if I can be below 200 I would be ecstatic!

Speaking of the trip I talked to my auntie who was going to pick me up from the airport when the Tonester and I flew into Minneapolis but it turns out she's going to be camping until the tenth. Two days after I fly in. Not gonna work! lol Talked to my cousin and mom and will find out what's going on there on Wednesday night. There's so much family drama...seriously. For the first time since my son was born I'm wary of leaving him with my mother. She's gone super jesus on me. Not really a bad thing, but she's starting to preach and my son is going to have the right to choose if/what he wants to believe. She didn't like it when I told her that.

I started scheduling some of the days down there yesterday and always am reminded that it's never enough time back home. Three weeks? Nope...maybe three months would be enough. Cousin and I are planning a spa day, I'm pretty stoked about that! She hooked herself up to facebook and myspace and finally got me added. When I talked to her yesterday she'd said she saw the pic that I took at the races, I was like yeah....then she goes "Why are you losing so much weight, now I'm going to be the only fat girl in the family!!" She was laughing as she said it, basically acknowledging my weight loss. She's the first person in the family to see a pic since I started losing the weight. My cousin has PCOS so it's been pretty impossible for her to lose her weight. She can maintain if she's able to lose, it's the losing that's the problem. She said she's looking into lap band surgery after having a baby. She's still not pregnant either...getting a hormone shot today. I hope she gets pregnant...she's wanted a baby for soooooooo long!

Ok this post is all over the place, I really have nothing interesting to say so I apologize lol.

Oh! I painted happy toes last night. I was feeling super lonely and depressed so I gave myself a pedi and covered my toenails in flourescent orange!!! I'll get a pic up for y'all later :)

It was worth it!

Up 2.6 today. No biggie. I went out with the girls last night and drank and ate a super salty and seasony grilled salmon, also went out for delicious bad for me food earlier this week as told in previous posts. I knew I was going to gain. And it still was totally worth it.

Next week...I'm going to see a loss for sure! Time to kick some ass, right Simone?!

Doin the homer drool...

Yesterday I mastered the chopsaw, today I went a round with the Hilti...it was badass.

I'm waaaaaaay behind on blogs and won't be able to start playing catch up for a while yet, apologies to all y'all out there!

Diet fail this week...I don't give no fuck!

I'm expecting a gain this week, but it is sooooo worth it! Next week I'll just have to work extra hard on taking myself back down, oh well :)

Last night was Hot August Night at Castrol Raceway in Edmonton. I love this shit! Top Alcohol, Nitro, jet cars...yum! If you haven't been to see jet cars I whole heartedly encourage going. I can't even begin to explain the feeling of watching these guys! The excitement in the plumes of smoke, the smell of the fuel, the pounding in your chest as the cars pop their way to the starting line. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...I LOVE IT!!! Orgasm on wheels baby, no fucking lie. Here are some pics from the night!

Now make sure your speakers are turned up, this will never do it justice, but fuuuuuck does it sound good!!!

Snake bite

So I heard some rumbling in the basement this morning, this usually means that one of the animals has pulled a houdini, then Hubs starts stomping up the stairs and mutters something about "blah blah forgot snakes that eat snakes blah blah and you smell like snake blah blah". He comes through the door and heads straight to the bathroom with a kingsnake coiled around his arm. Ha!

I head into the bathroom and watch him turn ice cold water onto this snake, then immediately grab the camera!

I couldn't help but laugh at him. Silly man, cleaning out one snake cage and not washing his hands before sticking them into a carnivorous snake's cage. It actually took him pouring a tiny bit of rubbing alcohol on the snake before it let go, then he tried to bite Hubs again lol. Yup...good times.

Yeah baby!

Dropped 2.6 lbs this week to bring me to 209.6. A total of 75.4 lbs lost! I'm rockin this shit!

Last night was great! Other than the fact that I physically felt like poo, we went out to my SIL & BIL's birthday party. We got to see a few people we haven't seen in some time and I got oodles of "Wow you're looking great!". It sure felt good to hear.

Our Uncle Al just poured it on though. He kept saying how great I looked, how awesome I'm doing, how much he really sees the difference in my face. On and on and on, I was blushing hardcore! It was pretty great because I had told someone I considered a good friend earlier yesterday morning that I had cheated and stepped on the scale and as long as I didn't blow it yesterday I knew I hit my 75 lbs milestone and got in return "Oh that's nice, I've lost a lot of weight you know". Yeah...I know. She also told my son I was fat and she wasn't a few nights ago. Nice friend, right?

There was one other girl I hadn't seen since my SIL's last deck party months ago and she told my SIL that I looked fantastic and that she hadn't even recognized me! That kind of baffles me though because yes I'm slimming down, but I still look like me. My face is thinner, but it's still my face, my brown eyes, my dimples. Ya know?

Anyway...this is a pretty great start to my week! Now I'm off to work a 10-9 shift. Fucking happy joy fun time.

Inventory...

I know I should be doing an inventory on myself, and I probably will pretty soon here, but I thought I'd share the list of animals we have with you all. I'd provide pics but I need Hubs for that. Some of them are evil bastards!

2 cornsnakes (Mater and Lucky)
3 boa constrictors (Kayla and two unnamed)
2 leopard geckos (Aphrodite and Zeus)
1 veiled chameleon (Karma)
3 russian tortoises (Anna, Boris, and Othello)
1 packman frog (Rita McNeil)
1 salamander (unnamed)
2 jungle carpet pythons (unnamed)
2 mackalot pythons (unnamed)
2 spotted pythons (Stanley and Stella)
1 sulcata tortoise (Baby)
1 iguana (Wolfang Amadeus Lizard..aka Wolfie)
3 suriname toads (Lefty, Simon, and Garfunkle)
1 axoltl (unnamed)
4 newts (unnamed)
6 mossy tree frogs (unnamed)
3 curly tail lizards (unnamed)
3 uromastyx (Carly Simon, Paul Anka, and John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt)
1 blue tongued skink (Ozzy)
2 red eared sliders (Bob and Little Man)
4 black mexican kingsnakes (Jackie, Kelso, Donna, and Kitty)
1 bullsnake (Odie)
1 box turtle (Stubs)
1 kenyan sand boa (unnamed)
2 scorpions (Chico and The Man)
1 tarantula (Aragog)
5 brown anoles (unnamed)
1 house gecko (Chinchilla)
1 fuzzy butt cat (Kitty)

Those are just pets. Then we have anywhere from 75-100 mice going at a time depending on how well they're breeding. Also we're holding 5 other turtles for a friend of Ian's. It's a full house man.

So there you have it...my inventory.

Shitty morning...literally

Before lunch I get to clean up a nice big brown spot on my carpet upstairs.

Hubs left the big tortoise in the shower for a couple hours this morning, forgetting about him and letting me carry his 80lbs compact ass downstairs. I set him down at the top of the carpeted stairs to get some more leverage and didn't notice he had dropped an elephant size shit until I was walking back up to take my own shower.

If I didn't have company coming I would leave the shit for Hubs to clean up. The bastard.

Cute, but heavy....and full of shit.

I'm stop-eating-the-paste special....

I used up all my points for the day, even dipped a couple points into flex, nothing serious, probably 1.5 pts.

Then I went to a fire at a buddy's place, she and her hubs are moving right away. Of course they order pizza. I did really good at first. I wasn't even hungry! I said no, nope, no thanks I'm good. Then I was like...ok one.

I only had one. But one was enough to make me want to slice open my guts and pull it back out. Why am I so stupid?

Blah

I seriously need to do some bloggy catching up, holy there were a lot of updates!

Down 1 lbs this week. Not great, not what I was shooting for, but not bad considering this week was PMS water retention week. I can't wait to see what the scales bring next WI. Will I finally see the 75 lbs loss? Fuck I hope so!

I'm so tired, so hurting. Work is no longer fun. It is now a job. This is not what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't not go "fuck yeah man I want to work in retail when I grow up!"...no I wanted to be on the radio. I did things differently, got married at 18, had a kid at 20, moved to a different country at 17 so that kind of nixed the college idea. Oh well.

Hubby keeps telling me to sell cars, I keep telling him if he doesn't shut his mouth his face is going to meet my fist. I don't give a fuck if I'm good at selling shit. I hate people and I don't want to put on the phony smile anymore. I'm sick of people pushing for discounts, pretending they're joking, and giving that wink wink nudge nudge. Fuck you asshole, you get no discount! I don't own the joint...it isn't up to me.

Bah. Sometimes I enjoy it, I think it's mostly when I get to work with my regional manager. I'm just really sick of this. I don't want to be there anymore.

I'm officially counting down to home time!

68 days to lose 17.2 lbs...that's 1.9 lbs a week. I'm going to work my ass off to pull this shit off! Wish me luck!