Friday, July 11, 2008

In general, I'm okay. I'm actually pretty happy. For the most part. I'm getting really excited about leaving next weekend for my trip home. I'm getting excited to see my family. It's great.

However, I step on the scale and am completely bummed out. It took two weeks of PMS before TOM finally came. So those two weeks I had piddly losses and now, because of TOM, I've gained. My official WI is tomorrow morning but I peeked this morning and I'm up 0.4 lbs. I see all these posts on the board of people that have lost 30+ lbs and I can't even hit 25. I've been fighting these last 5 lbs like mad.

I know a lot of it's my fault too. I've been staying OP, but I haven't really been exercising. But, when I was making those 2.8 lbs losses I wasn't exercising then either. I know I know, I need to exercise. And I will, eventually. I know it's my fault. I know by not exercising I'm sabotaging myself. It doesn't make it any easier to swallow. I have to start pushing myself.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

July 3

Has certainly gone out with a bang. Ian and I have just had one of the biggest fights we've had yet and it's ended with him walking out the front door and going to "work". We'll keep it simple with he thinks we are unbelievably financially burdened and found a shitty way to tell me we aren't moving anywhere, and I flipped out. He actually said to me "well we aren't exactly living on macaroni and cheese." Food has been a fight from the beginning. If I allowed it he'd let us live off of mac and cheese, hot dogs, and Mr Noodle soups...oh and kool aid. Why? Because it's cheap. And for because this is the first time he's said something like that since I started WW I flipped more than usual. I didn't get just sarcastic, I totally went off the wall screaming "fuck you". Yup.

We spend more on food now. I spend money on WW Online. He may not have meant his words as a giant fuck you to me, that's how I took it. I'm spending this money to make myself healthy. If all I ate was mac and cheese and hot dogs all I'd do is gain and gain and gain more weight. And then hey, if that's all I'm feeding my son....guess what happens to him. And one of my biggest reasons for wanting to lose the damn weight is so I'm a good influence on my son. I don't want him EVER to know the pain that I've suffered because of my weight. I don't want him to think that all the bad food is okay as a lifestyle rather than a treat.

Maybe I flipped out too much. But when those words were put out they cut me deep. I just can't ever do or be good enough. And I really don't know how to make it better.