Saturday, June 28, 2008

The disappointments keep coming...

I was sooo excited when I woke up this morning. I was going to spend a little time in the sun with Tony then shower and get ready to head over to the in laws to get the car ready then off to the track.

Yet again the car is not ready. Apparently now there's a crack in one of the springs. Okay, so shit happens. It's better not to risk it. Then Ian told me that his dad said the trailor wasn't fixed yet either. What the fuck?! He's known since the beginning of the season (over a month) that it needed to be fixed. Last weekend he told us that come hell or high water we'd be on the track this weekend. Which means he'd have had the stupid trailor fixed by now. At this rate I'll be surprised if we get the track out at all this year.

One of the things that really sucks about this is I've taken every race weekend off to be able to pit for dad. Ian's work is really slow now, he's getting about half the houses he usually does and it's really really bad on our pocketbook. So I sit and think about this and I'm just like...I took off work for this? Don't get me wrong, I'm in retail, a weekend off is a rare rare occasion. I'm enjoying the time home, but right now I really need that money. Ian's talking about only going to Wisconsin for a week instead of two and I'm not okay with that. I can't short my time with my family.

I know with all my down blogs lately I must seem like the most negative person ever, but I'm not. Truly. It's just been a rough month and this kind of was the cherry on the ice cream. I've always envied Ian his relationship with his father because I never had much of one with mine. And generally when Paul said he was going to do something he did it. When my dad says he's going to do something you know he'll come up with an excuse a week later. He's not even going to show up for my brother's wedding. That's how fucking reliable my father is. And to some of you I'm sure, you really can't see what significance this race car is to me as I don't drive it and don't have a glorious position in the pit....but it's the first thing that made me feel part of the family. So for him to keep flaking on it and making excuses it just reminds me far too much of my dad. And I have no tolerance for my father's excuses, so I have no tolerance for Paul's. I'm just getting sick of the consistent disappointments.

Teeny Tiny Loss

Since I stepped on the scale on Wednesday I've been doing my damnedest to stay within my daily allotted points and drink lots and lots of water! Yesterday I even drank so much water I had to pee every five minutes! Even if my gain in the mid week is because I'm PMSing and retaining water, it paid off. I lost a teeny tiny 0.2lbs. That's it. Not even half a pound. But it's still a loss. Not a gain. Not staying the same. It's a loss. And that makes me feel a little better.

This weekend I'm off to the race track. Ian and his dad have been working on the car every weekend since the beginning of the season and dad's pretty well said the car WILL be ready to go out this weekend as it's a big race. Double header, the Oilman's Invitational. Big for points, big for prizes, and dad doesn't want to miss this one. So, pit I will! I love being in the track pits. I love getting covered in clay and oil! The smell of burnt up race fuel is a wonderful thing!

So, I'm forgetting my disappointment in my slight loss, but only for now. Wish me luck in having TOM visit this week and bringing with him an excellent non water retention weight loss!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Disappointing Day

I don't know if I just need to have my scale hidden during the week or what but I'm not happy right now. I stepped on the evil piece of machinery this morning and saw that I'm damn near back to 270. And I don't know why! I've done loads of walking and have been staying OP. I generally go into flex points, sometimes even leaving only a handful a week, but I've really been trying to at least leave half at the end of the week. And so far this week I've still got 16 FP left (WI is Saturday). Not bad. But wow....I never want to see that number again. I was hoping to be able to say goodbye to the 260's at least by next week.

I could handle plateau. I know that plateaus happen and I'm okay with that. Just a bigger challenge to forge through right? But a gain when I'm following plan? It's really upsetting me and I don't know what to do about it.

If you have any advice, please, let me know. It's driving me nuts!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Always wonder...

Tonight I had a shoplifter at my store. She couldn't have been more than 16 and was a tiny wisp of a thing. I started to go after her but stopped because...really...would you chase a shoplifter? I'm sorry but if they're criminal enough to steal they're probably criminal enough to stab.

And then I wonder. If I was a tiny wisp of a thing myself and knew I'd catch up to her would I have gone after her anyway? Would I have taken a chance and run? I think I might have because I tell ya I really really wanted to punch her. Yeah so I'm a bit violent. But I take offense to people stealing from me. And yes I know that the store is not mine and the merch is not mine, but I've never worked at a place and NOT felt like it was part of me. I treat my workplace as if it were my own and give it everything that I am. So I am offended by her stealing from my store.

So this really sucks. Today sucks.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Losing hope

I stepped on the scale for my WI this morning knowing the hard work I put into this week hoping for a higher loss. 2.7 lbs, that's all I wanted. It's what I needed for five weeks to reach that 10% loss and the goal of hitting 252 by Saturday July 19. I wanted to go home and say, yeah, I lost 33 lbs. and I feel great!

I know now, it's not going to happen. I'm not going to make it. And that absolutely drives me crazy! I started watching sodium intake, drinking more water, almost becoming obsessed with it. I hopped on the scale every morning and even some nights. I think it's getting to the point that it's not healthy anymore. I should be ecstatic with a 2.2lbs loss! So why am I so disappointed? Why do I feel like such a complete failure?

And then I think about how I feel and I feel even more pathetic. When I'd have weeks where I'd only lose 0.4lbs at the beginning I wasn't exactly jumping for joy but I was satisfied. I was satisfied because low as it was I was still consistently losing weight. I got completely screwed up when I got my period this month though. I wonder if I hadn't retained so much water and had a o.6lbs gain would I still be where I am now? Would I have lost more? Sometimes I really hate being a girl!

And I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I'm not giving up, I'm not walking away, I'm not saying screw this because I haven't met my weekly goal. It's just a step right? And even if I'm late, it's better than never. And a little loss is better than no loss. I really hope I get over this hump of pity poor me real quick here. I hate feeling this pathetic more than anything.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Bi-polar Wednesday

So today started off pretty great. I talked my hubby into taking a day off and spending it with our son and I. We walked around Fort Edmonton Park for three hours (11AP for leisure walking!!!). I love visiting the Fort! I love being surrounded in the living history of it. I love walking through the houses and shops and wondering what kind of ghosts live there (literally and figuratively). I love the beauty of it all. And because of the extra long walk I allowed myself to indulge in a single scoop strawberry frozen yogurt....mmm...mmm....mmm!

Then I came home and found an e-mail from my aunt saying that she and my uncle would not be coming to my brother's wedding because of financial costs. Yeah I was disappointed, especially when right after she said they couldn't come she asked for mine and my brother's addresses to send invitations to her daughter's wedding in September. When I called my mom to get my brother's new address she told me that he'd talked to my dad a couple days ago and my dad said he didn't know if he'd be able to make it. In dad talk that's "I'm not coming." Our grandpa had back surgery last month and still isn't back to work so I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be able to come either, and he's the only one I can excuse.

I lost faith in my father years ago. My parents' divorce and his pulling a houdini when I was a kid was a huge factor in my becoming and staying overweight. The fat layer was a comfort zone. But if he bails on my brother's wedding he's basically dug his own grave. I don't see how my brother will ever forgive him, and I will never be able to even look at him the same. He's disappointed us for the last time. And you know what? It breaks my heart. All of it. It pisses me off and it breaks my heart and I just don't know what to do.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Run away from the pie!

Why isn't life fair? Why can't everyone be built the same? Have the same metabolism? Eat the same?

As I sit here my husband is behind me on the couch eating an entire banana cream pie, minus a slice that he gave to our son. My husband is 6'2", 186 lbs. He's extremely fit and sports a hockey butt. I have no idea why he can ever be attracted to me at all.

Life sucks.

Monday, June 16, 2008

bad day all better?

I hope so was the first day I've heard "wow you've lost a lot of weight!"

I smiled so big right then! I haven't seen the girl who said it in over 10 weeks. She had no idea I am on WW, and she noticed.

That's what makes this worth it!

Bad Day

As of this moment Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" is lyrically running through my mind. I can't quite explain this bad day. Okay maybe I can. What I can't explain is why I'm letting it get me down as much as it is. Part of it is WW, part is financial issues.

As for WW, I don't mean I'm not happy with WW, but I'm not happy with myself right now as far as following plan. It's not like I'm completely overdoing it, but especially lately I've found myself going "oh it's just two points into my FP it'll be fine". But it isn't fine. I can't manage to stay completely OP and not go over my allotted daily points. I know the FP are there for a reason but that doesn't make me feel any better. Add to the fact that I haven't been able to motivate myself enough to actually exercise and get those happy endorphins flowing....and now I feel like a complete failure. The whole idea of not making my goal for the 19th of July is really throwing me off and completely screwing with my head. I'm not giving up, I'm still tracking everything and trying (for the most part) to stay at my daily points. I'm just not wanting to do any more than I have to. And THAT my friends is bullshit. It makes me angry with myself. But I don't know how to take that anger and use it to light a fire under my ass to move.

On to our financial woes. We have decided we want to save up $3000 for our trip. To cover gas, hotel, food, etc. So far we have....a couple hundred. My last cheque I said that's enough. From here on out I'm taking my full pay and putting it aside for this trip. Well my husband has been left without houses to work on (he's a subcontractor, puts up frostwalls in basements) and no houses = no monies. No monies = sad Amber. I can't use this coming cheque for the trip because I need to make sure we have food on the table and gas in the vehicles for the next two weeks. This also means that being the responsible one I've pushed my eye appt back again, for the fourth time now I'm sure and I also had to push my nail appt back. People look at me like I'm selfish and stupid for even keeping a nail appt when we're this broke....but in five weeks I will have the money for it. And it's the only thing I do for myself on a regular basis. I give my hubby whatever he wants that I can give him, and our son is unbelievably spoiled. I put off giving myself clothes when I need them because my son and husband need them more. I get my hair cut once every 8 months or more. Hair dye? Probably once a year professionally and only when I get down to my cousin's in Wisconsin because she'll only charge me cost. After that I'm on my own with bottle dye. My nails are thus the only thing I feel good about when it comes to my 'self'. My 'self' being all of me. Call it selfish or eccentric. I don't care. I'm not giving it up. I don't even like putting it off for an extra month.

If any of you have any advice...please please please help me. I can't do any better on my own. All I can do is keep going as I am. For now, I'm taking this bad day as a grain of salt and taking my son to the park.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

OP....for about 5 minutes!

Okay so I know it's completely my fault but I'm bummin so I'm going to blame my husband...for now.

On my way home from work he asked if I was hungry and of course I was, I worked a closing shift, I'm always hungry after a closing shift as I eat my "dinner" at about 5 pm. I don't know about you, but I can't go from 5-11 or 12 without eating. That's too many hours! He told me that he'd made these delicious pork chops and parmesan noodles. I told him no because I had my sandwich and baked lays for dinner at work and I only had a few daily points left. I guessed I had four but when I got home and checked it was actually 6.5. Made me happy because I could easily share a bag of popcorn with the hubby and have a 100 cal cup of ice cream and be within my daily points.

Dun dun dun....

I open the fridge and there it is. The beautiful dinner my hubby made me. In the end I dipped 4 points into my FP. Not much but on a late night before WI it was a bad idea, and I know it. I knew it when I was eating the tasty deliciousness. Add to that I'd been on my feet far longer than I'm accustomed to in a workday since I'd gone in four hours earlier. Generally when I wake up at 6 am and weigh it's a little higher, I go back to bed until 8 and I'll have dropped a couple pounds from a loss of water retention I'm guessing. It worked this morning, sort of. I ended up not being able to go back to sleep.

Last Saturday I had a gain of .2 lbs. It was also TOM and I happen to retain lots of water during TOM. Today I had a loss of 2.8 lbs. Should be an excellent loss right? But at this rate there is no way I'll make my short term goal next month. I wanted to go home for my brother's wedding having lost 33 lbs. I'll be at a healthier 252 (compared to 285!), and I'd honestly be able to say that yes, I've lost weight, yes, I'm doing something good for myself. I don't know if I can do it now! That doesn't mean I won't try, but I have a feeling I'm going to be fiercely disappointed in myself if I don't make it.

I have five weeks left to reach this goal. Add to the fact that I'll feel better and look better, it also means I'll have lost 10% of my body weight. If you asked me at the beginning of March I'd have told you it would be impossible for it to happen at all, much less within a few months. Now I'm dying to reach my 10%/252lbs goal and I don't know if I'll make it by then. In order to hit it I'll need to lose 2.7 lbs/week. My average so far is 1.8lbs / week. This is not looking good folks. Not good at all.

Now here's the point where I I just give up the goal or strive even harder to reach it? It's so easy to just say, okay, I'm not giving up WW....just my short term goal. I'll get there when I get there, right? It's really easy. But this time I'm not walking away. I can't walk away. I don't know why this time it's so much more important to me but it is. This is my chance. I'm going to do it right! Wish me luck....

Friday, June 13, 2008

OP and creepy guys....

Okay so I know they have absolutely nothing to do with each other but really...don't care. I'm taking this blog to a new level and adding more than just my weight loss journey because really, that's only a fraction of who I am right? My journey isn't all of my life but part of my life.

I digress.

As for WW and today, it has been an excellent OP day! I've drank more water than diet soda, which I totally admit is a vice that I'm having a really hard time giving up; it's 10:05 pm and I have 6.5 points left (which means I can indulge in some popcorn with the hubby). I keep peeking at the scale and since last week I'm already down over 3 lbs, I know it's because I was retaining killer water due to TOM last WI but it doesn't matter. It's a loss that makes me even more set in my decision to have joined WW and to stick with it for the long haul, and I've no doubt that a long haul it will be! Tomorrow morning is my WI and I can't wait to see what the week's total brings!

On to creepy guys. A little background, I sell biker leather in West Edmonton Mall. This old guy comes in and I've no problem with old guys in general. But he has a bright red giant daisy earring dangling from his left ear and that kind of throws me off. Then he wants to wear ladies' chaps. Okay....whatever, right? I go offer him the chaps, unzipped and unbuckled. Instead of attempting to put them on himself he raises his arms and waits for me to do it for him. Now, I'm normally completely comfortable fitting people for chaps. Men, women, transvestites, whatever! For some reason I really was not comfortable with this guy. Then as I'm going to zip up the second leg he goes "Oh oh, excuse me". Yeah. He ripped one! As my head was mere inches from his ass! I was not impressed.

He hems and haws a bit, asks questions, says he'll take them but he wants me to cut them to the proper length. Normally I won't do this because I don't want to be held liable if it's too short, but I did it for this guy because I wanted him out of my shop. After they're paid for and cut I, of course, have to put them back on him. Oh wait, no, this is after he's asked to change into them in the dressing room. He tells my manager and I that he wants to wear them without his pants. My manager gets this wide eyed are you crazy kind of look and says "Not in my store". He asks why and she tells him "Because then you'd be naked." Okay...not cool. So I get the chaps back on him for the second time, he doesn't leave. He sees a belt buckle he likes, buys it, then asks for me to put it on his chaps. Well first off you can't put a belt buckle on chaps....only a belt...common sense, second....there was no way I was getting that close to this guy again. When he had to pay for the buckle he looked at my manager and I and was like "I can't reach my wallet." Dude...I AM NOT going into your pants to search for it. Even thinking about the whole event has me wanting another shower. Yech!

And that my friends was my day. Let's hope tomorrow brings less creepy more fun!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

First blog...

So I've just spent a good hour or more perusing other blogs on the WW message boards. It seems like every person that is blogging is happy they're doing so, and the ones who didn't start blogging from the beginning wished they had. It's not the beginning for me either, I'm currently 10 weeks and nearly 20 lbs into it. I figured I shouldn't let the time slip by though. This is huge for me, it's better I document every victory and failure so I can see how far I've come, how far I can go, and all the work that's made the journey what it is.

For now I really don't have much to say, I just felt compelled to start. If I ever get the courage I'll post a current picture of myself. For ages I didn't step on a scale, but I have pictures that show how big I was. I'll post some of them too. I hope that somewhere along the way my blog encourages and inspires someone else like all the others have done for me. Thank you to everyone who's been an inspiration and a constant source of encouragement and support.